Chapter 51- Fucking situation - mduno
I forced myself to work, putting Rat and Onion to run around with reports from the many companies I own, both legal and illegal negotiations under my command. They didn't dare talk to me; the more time passed, the more uncertainty grew inside me.
Veronica hadn't called me. Why should I call her? I didn't have the energy for any of her stupid "put yourself in my shoes" philosophies. Onion was texting someone on his phone. He noticed me looking.
"Sorry, boss, Raúl texted me," he said, extending his phone.
"Do you think you'd still be sitting there if you were talking to an unidentified number?"
The head of security spoke. My staff was under strict surveillance; Rat didn't miss a thing when it came to intelligence.
"We're working," I commented.
"Onion, leave me with the boss for a moment."
"Did you just override one of my orders? He was supposed to give me the report."
Simon looked at Onion, who shrugged and got up.
"Don't make me choose, what a shitty situation."
"None of that, man. For now, get out," he said. Onion closed the door.
"This is the first and last time..."
"We're friends, the closest thing you have to friends," he said, tossing me the phone. "Call her, Roland! Ease that ulcer you have. Your mood is terrible, and it's freaking uncomfortable!" he shouted. "We don't have to suffer for your impulses. She's predictable on certain topics. There's no reason to get mad when she tells you to go to hell. You brought it on yourself!"
"She shouldn't react like that. I just gave her an apartment," I said, shaking my head and laughing again.
"No, Roland! You didn't just give her an apartment. You subtly told her, move in with me, marry me, let's have kids."
"I didn't say any of that crap! You know what I think about it. Marriage is the worst invention created by society, or whoever came up with it. It's a religious thing, and anything related to religion is garbage. It doesn't work, and that stupid illusion of 'faithful until death' is the biggest lie ever.
"Bringing kids into this disgusting world. Never, Rat, will I bring a being into this filthy existence!" He clenched his jaw, got up from the chair, and rubbed his temples, a sign I had pushed him to his limit. "You know I support the environment," I said sarcastically.
"Roland... I don't have the moral high ground to tell you if you're wrong. You know I believe in God, in earthly and spiritual angels. I have no salvation, and I'll be content if you achieve it. That would mean I did something in this world. I haven't caused harm for the sake of it. I don't justify those I've killed. I never take down a cop; you know I leave them injured. I kill those who are worse. And a few months ago..." I looked at him, wondering where he was going with this. "I prayed, and the proof was Miss Veronica's appearance in your life."
"What the hell are you saying?"
"Admit it," he whispered.
"I'm not marrying Veronica, no matter how much I like that girl."
"Watch your words. You might regret it."
He was emphatic, and like the stubborn man I was, I challenged him.
"Even if I had to choose between my death or marriage, I wouldn't marry. Tell your God to screw off!"
"Shut up, Roland! Don't mess with Him. I'm telling you from personal experience. You don't know how much I've regretted thinking I was better than the Creator. Don't do the same."
"I don't care about that! And Veronica needs to come down from that cloud. I'll never marry!"
I stormed out of the office, slamming the door. Why were women so complicated? I locked myself in the bedroom, or rather slammed the door. That slight burst of anger calmed my frustration a bit. It was past ten at night, and she still hadn't called me... I wasn't going to call her either.
I took a cold shower, not wanting to wait for the water to warm up. I let the anger wash away. It was just an apartment; why should it mean marriage? I didn't want to be with her for years; I just wanted to sleep with her, period. What a problem it had become to want to screw her! I turned off the shower.
The towel was white with Santa Claus's face. I balled it up and dried myself grudgingly. I put on a pair of boxers and checked my phone—no messages. "Now she's playing the dignified one?" I left it on the nightstand. I got into bed, suppressing a curse. It wasn't warm like it had been for the past four days.
I hate a cold bed! I didn't move for several minutes. When I turned over, the other side was still cold. In that small detail, I realized how much I had gotten used to her. Why doesn't she call? I checked the phone again to see if I had a signal. Perfect, everything was working fine.
I remembered the conversation with Simon. I rewound the times beside Veronica. Moving again, the sensation of cold reminded me of her absence. She wasn't here because of my idiocy and stubbornness.
Our problem was the apartment, so I put it aside and considered it settled. Minutes passed, I continued with insomnia, unable to sleep. If she didn't call, I must not be that important... I want to matter to her.
I turned over again and faced the window where she had placed the giant reindeer, sitting on the couch. It was only one in the morning. "Aren't you going to sleep?" Talking to oneself was indeed depressing. I got out of bed, grabbed my phone, and stopped before pressing the green button. "Don't be an idiot, Roland, let her come to you."
I ran my hand through my hair, realizing it was growing out, better get a haircut. I put on some comfortable pants and a white t-shirt, then left my room. I found Ines kneeling in the living room, praying or so I thought.
"Ines?" I said as I approached, seeing her make the sign of the cross. "I didn't know you were Catholic."
"There are many things you don't know about me."
It sounded more like a reprimand. She had been with us since I was almost ten years old. She was our mother figure.
"Sorry," she smiled, stood up, and turned on the lamp.
"Do you need something, son?" she asked in such a maternal way that it reminded me... I shook my head. "Well, I'm going to bed now."
"Do you always pray at this hour?"
She smiled and sat in the living room, so I sat across from her.
"I've been doing it for about a month now."
"For any particular reason?" Her look was uncomfortable.
"Do you want to talk about religion, sir?" I shook my head. "Well, then I can't answer your question."
"I understand."
Ines stood up, and I stood with her. I didn't want her to leave; I wanted to talk. Maybe she could help me understand my situation or help me with what was happening to me.
"Can I offer you something to help you sleep?" We looked at each other.
"I gave Veronica an apartment."
She smiled, sat beside me, her eyes shining like my girlfriend's sometimes did.
"Was it wrong?" I sighed.
"It depends on the meaning. For a woman, it's something on a higher level, Roland."
She hadn't called me by my name in years.
"Rata says it was a marriage proposal, and that's never crossed my mind. I don't even plan to do that in my life."
"Talk to her, explain it, tell her it's not that."
"She hasn't called, maybe she's still mad."
"Did you see her mad?" I shook my head; she wasn't until she heard my response.
"She just looked thoughtful, told me we'd talk when I understood..."
I laughed, kissed Ines on the forehead, and hugged her. She broke into tears.
"Why are you crying?"
"Because it's the first time... You've never hugged me, and look how much I've wished you did it more often. The boys do it all the time, but you're so closed off, Roland, to any display of affection, you get offended."
"Sorry," she caressed my face.
"You have no idea of the love around you. We care about you, don't think otherwise. Let the young lady heal you, son. If you knew how long I've been praying to God for your salvation. What I did earlier was a penance of gratitude. I've always asked the Lord to send you the angel to bring out the true self hidden here."
"I have to go." I felt uncomfortable with what she said. She smiled. "We'll talk later, Ines, and I'm sorry for making you cry."
"They're tears of joy, son."
Instinctively, I kissed her forehead again, stood up, and grabbed my car keys. I left in the early morning, heading to Veronica's apartment. What was I going to say to her? I didn't want to marry her, but I had to acknowledge the premature and, well, imprudent gesture.
I didn't want to keep wondering if I mattered to her or not. I rested my head on the seat and took a deep breath. I saw the truck parked three houses away from Veronica's. Negro flashed the lights, letting me know he had noticed my presence or maybe Rata had informed him.
In any case, I hadn't left my girlfriend unprotected. I grabbed the keys and, upon stepping out, the cold asphalt made me realize I had gone out barefoot. I knocked on her apartment door, but she didn't answer. Could she be out? Impossible, Negro was watching. I knocked again, and on the third knock, she opened the door. The light from the living room cast a soft glow on her delicate face.
Her eyes were swollen and a bit red. "Damn, she's been crying because of me." She looked me up and down, noticing I was barefoot, and bit her lip.
"Let's forget about the apartment, okay?"