Chapter 388 - Revelation - mdfour
Patricia
My whole body was sweating, a cold shiver ran through me from head to toe, making me sweat even more. Instinctively, I entered my son's room where he was sitting in his crib. The stuffed animal wasn't huge, nor small—it was the perfect size... very cute, by the way; a beige and brown teddy bear with doctor’s attire made from the same plush fabric.
I sat beside the crib and started to cry. Amin reached out his little hand through the crib bars, wanting me to give him the stuffed animal. It was the second gift from his father. I handed it to him, and with that smile that reminds me every day of who his father was...
My lip trembled, why does he send it? If he hasn't cared about me all this time, why do I still care about him? He doesn't deserve my love anymore. It's not fair that with just one act of affection from him, I get like this.
My baby started playing with his gift, giving it little kisses, which broke my heart. Maximo had told me even before his birth to tell him he was his father, but my damn pride...
My hand felt heavy, I knew it was because of the letter. I left the baby in the crib, he falls asleep on his own. I went to the kitchen and drank a glass of water. I had left the envelope on the island. He's probably going to scold me for my impulsive act. I refilled the glass and went to the living room with the envelope in hand. I opened it. I just hope I'm ready for what he has to say after a year and eight months:
Hello, Patricia (out of respect I won’t call you what I used to)
I don't want this gesture to affect the relationship you have with your husband. That’s not my intention. If it bothers Maximo, please apologize to him for me.
You can't imagine the number of sheets of paper thrown into the trash... but this is the only chance I have, and I want to express it through these words. I want to ask for your forgiveness a thousand times. Those apologies I omitted and should have offered after my vile actions. I am aware that, face to face, I lack the courage, gallantry, and the guts to look you in the eye and beg for FORGIVENESS.
Before leaving Blanco because it was unbearable to have you in the same city where I worked, you must already know this. I overheard a conversation the women in the family were having; they couldn’t understand your reaction to marrying someone else... And once again, the wise sayings like: "no one knows the harm of the pot, but the spoon that stirs it." This only confirmed once again that you were faithful to me even in your words. Another woman would have run to speak ill of my neglect and treatment. But you always spoke highly of me, none of them knew how cold I could have been, undoubtedly another slap to my arrogance. So in this confession, I tell you; no one really knows what happens in a house except those involved.
Being a wife and mother has been your dream since you gave me headaches in Germany, and mine were not those. I restrained you and even manipulated you all this time, I have been vile to you, which is why I believe I am paying the price now. You shouldn’t have put up with me so much, even though I said I loved you, I never supported those words with actions. That’s why in our story there’s nothing from my side to back it up, and this has caused havoc on my conscience when I compare it to everything you endured. I deduce that you must feel you wasted your time. However, for me; now with the help of psychologists, I understood that it was irrefutable evidence of your great feelings for me.
"They say; you don't know what you have until it’s gone," another saying I have claimed as my own. I confess to you once again; I realized my mistake the moment I read your letter, but I was so proud that I didn’t run to find you.
For many people, marrying in haste or seeking refuge in another man's arms might have seemed impulsive, but I know that was your defense against my manipulative and conniving mind. Because I would have done things to get your attention and make you feel guilty, even though I was the guilty one, and I would have had you back where I always had you. You broke the vicious cycle we were in. For whatever reason, now I can see things as they are, and I tell you; it was the best decision. Even though we no longer have a future together, I have overcome my issues and you must be an empowered woman, not overwhelmed.
Maybe some of our relatives judged us. People tend to do that when they don’t really know what happens at the heart of a relationship. It’s human nature, I can assure you, we have been the topic of conversation among our friends. That's why I want to tell you that I have never judged you, who am I to do so? I, who desecrated our bed with another body while you waited for a reaction from me, and look at the time that has passed before I finally react, I should have done this sooner, not with the intention of changing our current reality, but to have peace of mind.
That morning, when we saw each other for the last time, I felt like you were going to tell me something important. I've thought so much about what it could be; surely, once again, you were going to ask me to try again. When it should have been me begging you on my knees to stay with me, not just that time, but all the previous times when I messed up and made you feel like the guilty one. Now I recognize that I'm the villain of the story, that's why I'm grateful you freed yourself from me. I wasn't good for you.
You leaving me helped, even if my knuckles, my ribs, my body, and my soul were left in shambles. But this time, I was the one who had to get up and acknowledge that I had a problem. Thanks to this time, I got closer to God. I learned to tell people how important they are, that's why I'm writing to you. Although I don't intend to hurt anyone, it's more of a therapy to heal my soul and be able to return to my family. And if I see you again, be able to control the urge not to kill Máximo.
I still remember your look, there was so much disappointment and pain when you saw another woman in what used to be our room. You have no idea how regretful and dirty I felt that morning. But I must accept, I had all the time in the world to show you how valuable you were and what my soul felt and feels for you, but I chose the wrong path.
I can't overlook the day of your wedding. You looked beautiful in your white dress and you don't know how hard it was to accept that you weren't dressed for me. And since I'm confessing some truths, I still don't understand, nor forget, and you don't know how much I long to hold your child again. I refused so much to have one with you, but the moment I held him, I felt something inexplicable… I remember it daily, I long to hold him again.
I hope the gift for your son is to his liking, he must be so big and very spoiled by his mother. You deserve all the happiness in the world, the one I could have given you and didn't because I was a fool. I promise, as well as to all the women in this great family, that I will take care of your son.
I won't go on, even though I still have a thousand things to write to you. Forgive me for not fighting for you in time, but back then I was still the same scum. Thank you for everything you taught me Patricia, and even apart, you keep teaching me. I deeply regret having disappointed you, I and only I have been the cause of my failure. Without disrespecting you now that you're a married woman, I have great feelings for you. Give your son a kiss from me for his first birthday.
God bless you.
Alfredo Masa.
Not even water could calm the tsunami that emerged from the depths of my being. I couldn't hold back the scream that arose from my entrails and ripped through my skin, leaving me raw. I couldn't even think. He wasn't the only one to blame, my fear of losing him in my immaturity.
All this time, I've thought so much about my mistakes. I lacked the courage to stand up to him, like I've seen my friends confront their husbands. Not feeling secure, I feared him because he never asked me to be anything. Throughout almost our entire relationship, I was the one who threw myself at him; it was always easy for him.
And now, how do I tell him he is Amín's father? I tore my throat again with the scream that came out; I don't want to hurt Máximo. But it was time to face everything. Hasn't he been here? Did he leave because of me?
I should return my psychologist title; in me, I have been a complete failure. I let the tears flow, and little by little, my mind calmed down. He is right about something; if I hadn't gotten married, I would have begged for affection again. I didn't love myself, I didn't value myself, I was an absolute shadow.
While beside Máximo, during my pregnancy, he encouraged me to have opinions, to demand. That's why we moved to a bigger apartment, and in our practice, he empowered me to manage it on my own.
I was also to blame, the problem was that now I was married and I believe in God, so for me, marriage was a lifelong decision. Máximo won't take long to arrive, I know we need to talk and make this relationship work in the best way.
It was time to accept the consequences, and one of those was telling Alfredo the truth, the one I didn't tell him that morning when I was blinded by jealousy. I need to talk to someone. I took my phone and called my mom.