Chapter 72 Torn.

Chapter 72 Torn.
Laramie:

I kept replaying Noah's words over and over again in my head for the rest of the day.

Elodie did not come back to our dorm that night and I guessed that she was probably out having a great time with friends, making memories, and only worrying about what cocktail she was going to try next.

I found myself feeling envious of her and regretting the fact that I wasn't doing the exact same thing as well.

Instead, I was lying in bed with the covers pulled over my head worrying about things that a first year college student shouldn't be worrying about.

I wondered if Ethan had seen my interaction with Noah. And if so, how much of it did he see?

Did he see the way Noah touched me?

Did he see how intimately close we were standing?

And did he see the way Noah kissed me?

More importantly. Did he see me do nothing to stop him from kissing me?

I wanted to go to him as soon as I saw him staringg at me through the window. But the look on his face and the way that he turned around told me that it would be a mistake and that I needed to give him some space.

I needed some space as well. I needed to think about what had happened between Noah and me. I needed to process - the kiss, the way he touched me, and his words.

Noah loved me.

Not just as a friend.

No, he actually loved me for real.

The mere recollection of his words still left me feeling winded and a little dizzy.

I guess a small part of me knew that Noah felt that way. I mean, how could I not? But maybe I just didn't want to allow myself to think about it because I was so focused on my relationship with Ethan.

Ethan...

My mind quickly went to our interaction in his office.

We had sex again and it was great. It was better than great actually.

But then again, sex with Ethan always was.

Then we had a fight again. Another nasty one.

Was that how our relationship was going to be? We'd have amazing sex but then end up fighting over something stupid because we were always looking over our shoulder hoping that no one ever found out about us.

What if Ethan got really upset and lost his temper? Would he hurt me again? Would he get physical with me again?

He promised me that it would never happen again - he promised that that was the first and only time. But isn't that what they always say? Don't they always promise that it would never ever happen again?

Would I ever be able to fully trust Ethan again?

My mind wandered to Noah and the way he kissed me again: so gentle, so sweet, so full of promise.

I wondered what it would be like to be in an actual relationship with Noah.

A relationship that we didn't have to hide.A relationship that we could proudly flaunt in front of everyone without being scared of what might happen or what people might think or say.

I wondered what it would be like to be loved by Noah.

Then I wondered what it would be like to be bedded by Noah.

Would it be gentle and sweet like his kiss from earlier? Would he make slow and passionate love to me?

Or would it be wild and urgent the way it always was with Ethan?

And that's when it hit me. A realization so chilling that it actually sent a shiver down my spine.

Ethan and I have never made love. We've only ever fucked. And even though fucking Ethan was great - even though it always blew my mind. It was always wild and urgent. More like a hunger we both needed to satisfy than a way for us to show how much we loved each other.

I twisted myself around under the covers furiously, pulling my knees up and hugging them to my chest.

If that was the case with me and Ethan, then how could I even be sure that what we felt for each other was love and not just some deep forbidden lust.

How could I even be sure that we would have anything in common once the flame of our passion for one another burned out.

I stayed in that position for the longest time replaying every second of my relationship with Ethan in my mind. Going over every single detail with pain-staking percision trying to figure out if what I felt for him was love or if I was just caught up in the excitement of it all.

I also tried to figure out if what Ethan was feeling was real and actual love or not. But I had no real way of knowing for certain. I simply didn't know Ethan well enough to know if he was telling the truth about his feelings or not.

Then I began to wonder about the future of our relationship in general.

What was the future of our relationship?

Would we just continue to see each other in secret until I finally graduated and we noo longer needed to hide our relationship?

Would Ethan be willing to quit his job here and move to another college so that we could be together openly?

Should I be the one considering making a move to another college so that we could be together?

What would happen if either one of us made a move and things didn't work out between us?

I rolled onto my back again and threw the covers off completely as I sighed a little too heavily.

My mind was racing and my head hurt. I had no more clarity about my situation than I did when I started. I was feeling exhausted and drained.

Maybe I was making too much of a big deal over this entire thing.

Maybe Ethan and I weren't supposed to last anyway.

Maybe I was just supposed to enjoy it for what it was and move on to better things when our relationship inevitably ended.

Maybe Ethan wasn't even supposed to be my happily ever after.

Maybe Noah wasn't supposed to be either.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to have all the answer and that was supposed to be okay too.