Now we have a problem. It’s still early in the day, and our investigation plans aren’t really viable until later this evening. Which means I have HOURS in which I have nothing to do but freak out about an already nerve wracking plan. And the more I think about it, the more one particular question keeps circling back. What exactly is my role in this? Lukas is doing the mind reading. I don’t have enough magic to be useful in any kind of self defense or emergency situation. I could maybe manage ONE decent spell… If I’m lucky. So what am I even meant to be doing there? Standing around and looking pretty? I wander through the house aimlessly, spiraling deeper into my very valid concerns. Then, finally, I decide that this plan is insane. With a new wave of determination, I march back into the living room, where Lukas is sitting on the couch, watching something on TV, looking… Entirely too relaxed.
“I still think this plan is stupid.” I announce, arms crossed. Lukas pauses his show and turns to me, frowning. Probably because he thought he already won this argument.
“But if you’re going to do it anyway, you should find someone else to go with you.” I inform him. His frown deepens.
“Why would you say that?” He asks, sounding almost offended.
“Because I’m basically useless for this kind of thing.” I sigh, already frustrated.
“You need someone who can actually watch your back. We could ask Laura. Or Richard. Honestly, basically anyone else would probably be more help than me.” I say glumly. Lukas immediately shakes his head.
“I don’t need a bodyguard or someone to watch my back. I’m smart enough to know that if I get caught, I need to run. There’s no fighting my way out of Solem’s territory.” He says firmly. Great, how promising… He leans forward slightly, his gaze steady.
“No, I need you there specifically. No one else can help me the way you can.” He says it with complete sincerity. I raise an eyebrow doubtfully.
“You’re just saying that. You still haven’t listed a single thing I should actually do.” I point out, narrowing my eyes. Lukas is quiet for a second.
“Remember when we went shopping? How overwhelmed I got with all the people and crowds?” He asks, suddenly changing the subject. I nod immediately.
“Yeah, of course. You hate crowds. Yet another reason why going to a busy casino is a terrible idea.” I say pointedly. Lukas gives a small, almost amused huff.
“What you can do, is be my safe place.” He says gently. I pause, not totally sure what he’s saying, what he’s asking me to do.
“When there are too many minds, too many thoughts happening all at once, I can focus on yours, and you can help me deal with it…” Then, to my surprise, he trails off. His shoulders fall slightly and his voice loses its confidence.
“That is… If you don’t mind?” He asks quietly. I hate how genuine he sounds. How small his voice gets, like he actually thinks I might not want to help. I’m totally blaming his parents for this. Lukas was definitely not loved enough as a child. Or as an adult. I know it’s a little awkward, but is sharing your thoughts REALLY so bad? I mean, unless you’re keeping a bunch of deep, dark secrets, there probably isn’t all that much to hide anyway. It’s not so bad when you’re used to it either. Like I don’t automatically think of all the things I want to hide when he’s listening in anymore. Partially because he already heard about most of my worst insecurities, and partially because it’s not weird anymore. It just feels kind of normal. Sometimes it’s even a relief, when I’m thinking a mile a minute and I can’t quite find the right way to put my thoughts into words he can just… Know what I mean. Being properly understood is a really underrated pleasure.
“Of course I don’t mind.” I say immediately. Then, after a second, I hesitate. Not about helping him, but I saw what he was like in a crowd before. Can I really be all that much help?
“But I’m still really not sure that I’m actually going to be all that helpful.” I admit. Lukas shakes his head.
“I know you will, I couldn’t do this without you.” He says, his voice totally steady again. I exhale. Despite the fact that I’m entirely unconvinced, and despite the fact that I still think this plan is ridiculous, I find myself… Nodding. I take a deep breath, then straighten up.
“Well, If we’re dressing up tonight, and I have time to kill, I think I need to go fix my hair again.” I decide, making my peace with this impending disaster. Lukas grins, entirely too satisfied with this outcome. Ugh, I think he just won the same arguement twice. This sucks.
I head back to my room and immediately start yanking off my pretty dress, pulling the hair tie from my hair as I do. Well, that whole outfit lasted what, an hour? Maybe two at most. Figures. It was nice while it lasted, but right now, I need something old, something I don’t mind ruining, because if I want to feel confident tonight, I need to touch up my roots. That means bleach. And dye. And at least a few hours of self imposed distraction. I throw on an oversized tshirt and some old shorts, then set up everything I need. The gloves, the mixing bowl, the brush, I’ve done this enough times that I can practically do it in my sleep. As I work the bleach into my roots, I start mentally going over my plans for tonight. It’s going to be a long night, and I want to look and feel good. No, I need to feel good. This isn’t just about vanity, at least not completely. When I look put together, I feel put together. And considering how chaotic everything has been lately, I could use every ounce of confidence I can get. While the bleach is doing its thing, I take the time to lay out my outfit for tonight. I pull out the dress I plan to wear, the one Lukas was teasing me about. I should probably be offended that he just knew I had one I wanted to wear, but he was right. It’s a gorgeous pink cocktail dress I bought a year ago, back when I had this ridiculous idea that I’d eventually go somewhere fancy enough to wear it. Spoiler alert, I never did. Turns out, my life doesn’t have a lot of ‘cocktail dress’ occasions. But the dress was perfect, one of those impulse buys that I just HAD to have. And tonight, I finally have a reason to wear it. Even if the reason is kind off horrible, there’s no reason I can’t have a little bit of fun with it, right? Which reminds me. I pull out something else. A pink tie. The same one I bought when I went shopping with Lukas. I know he prefers to wear all black. It’s practically his entire personality at this point. But maybe… Just maybe, he’d be tempted to try something different. Just this once. For me. I glance toward the living room, making sure he’s still focused on the TV. I don’t particularly want to show off my dodgy, half bleached hair. Then, as casually as possible, I grab the tie and tiptoe out of my room. Lukas has been keeping his clothes neatly folded in an old plastic storage tub by the couch. It’s not exactly an elegant solution, but it works, especially after we learned that leaving them in shopping bags was basically an open invitation for Princess to claim them as her new personal nest. No matter how much we clean, no matter how much we vacuum, Lukas is never going to be free of cat fur. He should just accept his fate now. I sneak over and carefully place the pink tie on top of his neatly stacked black shirts. It’s not exactly a subtle suggestion, but I don’t want it to be. Will he actually wear it? Realistically? Probably not… But there’s still a small chance and if I don’t give him the option then the chance is zero. There’s no harm in trying, right?