FINAL CHAPTER- 143- I have this annoying trait where everyone I chat with falls in love with me, did it work?
JANE
The theories come fast, loud, and increasingly ridiculous, but I am invested. Watching them circle the cork board, elbowing each other for space, passing snacks and notepads back and forth. It feels more like a game night than an investigation. But they’re trying. They really are. And that alone is FASCINATING. Lukas starts them off, calm as ever, with a suggestion that’s clearly been on his mind for a while.
“I think she might be a kraken. Tentacles, subterranean lair, occasionally eats people. Sounds like a sea monster to me.” He says it seriously, like he’s presenting evidence in court. Richard makes a noise of disagreement. Everyone turns to face him and he instantly looks offended.
“No, absolutely not. Jane HATES water.” He says, far too quickly. There’s a pause.
“And before you ask how I know that, let’s just say it involved a flooding and I have already apologised profusely. It didn’t work.” He shudders. I remember that day. He nearly hurt Rina. I was tempted to eat him, but Rina doesn’t seem to want me to. Strange. Eli leans forward.
“Counterpoint, maybe Jane doesn’t hate water. Maybe she just hates you.” He suggests. The room nods in near unanimous agreement, but they still cross kraken off the list. Next up is Torin, who suggests I might be some kind of fae.
“She gives gifts, and doesn’t follow normal logic. That screams fae. Plus they come in all kinds of forms.” He says. To test the theory, they disappear into the kitchen and return triumphantly with an old iron frying pan. Kyle groans, horrified.
“That’s my cast iron. You monsters.” He objects. They ignore him. He mutters something about iron seasoning and betrayal. They lower it toward the trap door. I take it delicately, like a charcuterie offering. I eat it whole. The crunch echoes. Yum, that iron seasoning is tasty. Maybe I should find a good gift for Kyle sometime. The next thing they test is salt. A perfect circle of it is sprinkled around my doorway like some sort of ritual. I wait a moment for dramatic tension, then run a limb over it and slurp it up. I take a sip of tea to wash it down. Someone swears softly.
“Right… So not fae, then.” Clare concludes.
“Or too fae to care about any of these things. Which is worse.” Eli adds. Lindy frowns.
“Way worse.” She agrees.
Clare makes a suggestion next.
“Could she be a ghost?” She asks, turning to Wren, their in-house expert on all things spectral. Wren peers down at me thoughtfully.
“No, Jane doesn’t… Feel dead. She feels weird. Like she’s sideways to everything else. Not living. Not gone. Just… There.” He makes a vague shape with his hands that suggests wibbly. I like his description. He’s a smart kid. Now that they know I’m not dead or undead, they move on. “What about a dragon?” Lindy proposes in her small, soft voice. Everyone immediately gets way too excited about this one.
“She hoards things, and dragons don’t have to look like dragons. They can be made of shadow. Right?” She continues. To test it, they present me with three offerings. A small pile of gold coins, a bottle of VERY expensive whiskey from behind the bar. Even though it belongs to Torin, once again Kyle seems the most distressed. They also offer me a drawing Rina makes on the back of a napkin. It’s a stick figure princess with a speech bubble that says, ‘help.’ I ignore the gold. Just to annoy everyone, I tip the whiskey out and eat the glass bottle with a crunch, much to Kyle’s horror. Then I turn to the drawing. I take it reverently, delicately. Rina drew it after all. It’s beautiful. A treasure. Rina beams a smile and I give her a tiny, appreciative purr from the shadows. They all argue for about five minutes and make another round of drinks. Their verdict is that my dragon status remains inconclusive but unlikely. Eli, undeterred, circles back to his vampire theory.
“Just hear me out!” He insists, even though no one asked him to speak.
“She might be a TENTACLED vampire. You don’t know.” He argues until they agree to at least TEST it. With a heavy sigh, Kyle offers me garlic. I eat it like popcorn. Damien carefully shines a UV flashlight towards me. How delightful. I make shadow puppets, it’s easy to do when you have as many limbs as I do. One of them is a dancing dog. Eli swears it’s mocking him. He’s one hundred percent right. Then, because he insists that someone has to do it, Eli clears his throat and speaks with great formality.
“Jane, you are cordially invited up out of the basement to join us.” He says it as if he’s inviting the queen to tea. I respond by reaching up and stealing his plate of snacks. Finally, Wren proposes something new, what if I was made? A magical experiment gone rogue. A spell with too much intention. A god’s weird mood swing, or even some kind of golem. To test it, they start issuing commands.
“Power up…”
“Power down…”
“Diagnostic mode…” They can’t be serious right now. Just for fun, I oblige them, briefly. I slump, draping my limbs over the floor and the edge of the bar like a deactivated toy, doing my best to stay completely still… Then just when they think something might have happened, I start to thrash like a toddler throwing a tantrum. I even knock a coaster off the edge of the bar. Rina laughs so hard she snorts. I lift a single tentacle and give her a perfect high five. She laughs harder. Everyone else stares. Lindy slowly raises her monster bingo card.
“Uh… Bingo? I think…” She says tentatively. The room cheers and someone opens another drink. I wonder if I can convince her to give me the winning card. I think it’s the kind of trinket I would like to keep.
Even though the bingo game is over, they want to keep guessing. I decide I should help them along. Or at least cause a little more chaos. Clearly, they are hopeless on their own, delightfully, chaotically hopeless, but still. So, one by one, I start tossing things up through the trap door, offerings to the world’s least effective research team. First, an ancient goblet that still smells faintly of wine from a century no one remembers. Then a weird, glowy rock I’ve had forever but never figured out what it does or even why it glows. An intact Victorian shoe follows. Then a handful of mismatched coins, a long extinct bird’s feather, and a stuffed bear missing an eye. That one is my favourite out of the lot. None of it helps them. Obviously.
“WHERE IS SHE EVEN GETTING THESE THINGS?” Laura flails and yells, as she ducks the bear. No one has an answer. Rina looks vaguely proud. Eli tries to catch the rock and fails and gets knocked in the head. Kyle refuses to acknowledge it at all and silently replenishes snacks. Smart man. He’s hard to tease because he knows when to mind his own business. Eventually, I give up on ‘helping’. They are entirely beyond saving anyway.
“Jane… How would you describe yourself?” Rina asks, soft voiced and serious. She gently lowers down a sketchbook and a pencil. An offering. An invitation. I take them and consider what to draw. It takes me a while, because my limbs are really not designed for drawing. It’s difficult, but eventually I pass it back. The page is simple, childish, even. A doodle of everyone sitting together around the bar. Laughing. Sparkles in the air. Tiny hearts floating between those that I have judged are in romantic relationships. I’ve labelled them all in squiggly, barely legible writing. Rina has a crown because she’s my favourite. Torin has horns. Crash is curled on his shoulder. I’ve even drawn myself, just a black scribble with a happy face in the middle of it. Rina loves my drawing and holds the picture to her chest like it’s precious. She tells Torin that she wants to frame it and put it up somewhere. She might be crying. I feel warm.
Laura sighs and looks at the list they’ve compiled so far. She reads it aloud.
“Not a Kraken. Not a Fae. Definitely not a vampire. Eats everything and possibly doesn’t have to eat? Probably not a dragon. Possibly a concept. Definitely weird. Probably immortal. FRIEND.” She sums up. The last word is underlined. Twice.
“What if she’s not from anything? What if she’s just… Jane?” Rina suggests, her tone is still very affectionate. I purr. A soft, thrumming sound that vibrates through the floorboards. I slip a limb up and gently curl it around Rina’s ankle in thanks. She grins down at me. That’s why she’s my favourite. No one else would let me do that. Laura suggests trying a more normal creature for comparison. They hold up a picture of a squid on Laura’s phone. I do the only reasonable thing. I slam the trap door shut with a dramatic BANG. I am insulted. Absolutely not. They all sit in silence. No one speaks and no one tries to open the trap door again. I hum softly beneath it, a low, tuneless vibration that travels through the floor. Every now and then, I slap a tentacle against the wall in perfect rhythm, just to see who flinches. I can hear the movement. Richard flinches twice, I note with satisfaction. Eli sighs, I can hear him thumbing through his notes.
“So, to summarise. Jane is not dead, not a sea creature, possibly immortal, probably understands English, enjoys jazz, and hoards treasure like a dragon.” Eli says as he flips the page.
“Any questions?” He adds,
“Yeah. Who the hell built this basement?” Damien asks. His voice low, almost reluctant. The question hangs in the air like dust. Torin clears his throat.
“My parents built this place. But…” He pauses.
“The basement was already here. They built over it.” He informs them. There’s a long silence. Then, from the darkness below I make a slow, deliberate thump against the trap door. Eli stands abruptly.
“Meeting adjourned.” He announces. It’s very late. I listen as they all scramble about, tidying up and getting ready to leave. I settle back into the cool dark. I like this place. The bar hums with warmth and noise and life. Rina will be sticking around, I can tell. She’s still pretending not to notice the diamond ring Torin has been anxiously carrying in his pocket, waiting for some perfect moment. I don’t know what that moment is supposed to be, but I hope it involves more tea. There’s good food here, and music I like, and people who are strange and kind and interesting. People who bring their messy thoughts and unguarded hearts and sit right above my head, where I can listen and learn and laugh. Sometimes they even bring me presents. Every dozen years or so, I get to eat someone truly unpleasant. There’s just enough trouble here to keep things interesting. I think I’ll watch over them for the next century or so. Maybe longer. After all… I’m Jane. And this is MY place.
THE END- Thanks for reading everyone! Please keep an eye out for my new book- Why You Should Never Rescue Stray Demons- I should start posting chapters soon! -Kit