130- Can you call for backup? Because I need help dealing with my feelings for you.
ELI
Not knowing what to say isn’t usually a problem I have. And yet here I am, totally speechless for the second time tonight. I said what I needed to say… Or, well, I blurted out the words that have been spinning around in my head for months, and now my brain has just... Shut down. It’s blank. Totally empty. All I can do is stand here like an idiot, waiting for Damien to say something. Anything. Shit, this is terrifying. How do people do this? How do people confess real feelings and then just exist afterward like it’s normal? Lust is so much easier. Lust I understand. Lust doesn’t matter nearly as much. But this? This matters. I am happy, genuinely, pathetically happy, to know that Damien’s at least attracted to me. But attraction doesn’t necessarily mean feelings. I know that better than anyone. I’ve lived that more times than I can count. Right now, I kind of want to grab him by the shoulders and beg him to love me. Which is, you know, not ideal behaviour. I do my best to look relaxed. Casual. Unbothered. Like I’m not mentally vibrating at the speed of light, like I’m not two seconds from shaking him until he gives me an answer. I promised patience, damn it. And I immediately regret it. What the hell was I even thinking? I am NOT a patient person. I can’t even wait five minutes to send a random meme to someone the second I see it. I find a funny picture online and it’s in six group chats within sixty seconds. And now I’m supposed to wait on something this important? Every second that I have to wonder it feels like someone is carving out my chest with a rusty spoon. How the hell did I think I was capable of waiting? It felt right when I said it. The kind of thing that you’re meant to say. Patient, supportive, respectful. The right thing to do. And it IS the right thing. I know that. It would be wrong to pressure him. Wrong to demand an answer. Wrong to demand that he feel something just because I do. I KNOW that. But knowing doesn’t make it easier. How am I supposed to wait? How am I supposed to act normal around him? I was already struggling to keep my hands to myself before, and at least then, fear kept me in check. Fear of screwing it all up. Fear of ruining what we had. But now? Now it’s out there. Now he knows. And the only thing standing between me and total disaster is... My own self control. Oh, this is going to end badly. So, so badly.
Damien clears his throat, snapping me out of my spiral. I turn to him anxiously, my heart hammering in my chest.
“Are you okay?” He asks awkwardly.
“Me? Yes, of course. I’m totally fine. Why do you ask?” I say, my voice a little too high pitched, a little too fast to be convincing. He raises an eyebrow at me like he doesn’t believe a word I’m saying.
“Because you look like you’re about to throw up or something.” Damien says flatly
“And I’m trying to figure out if I should duck. Not that it could be much worse than this glitter crap.” He adds, clearly trying to lighten the mood a little. I force a smile, not wanting him to feel like his efforts are going to waste.
“I’m not going to throw up.” I tell him mildly. Damien sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face, spreading glitter everywhere.
“You want me to figure out how I feel and answer you right now, don’t you?” He asks, brutally direct. I freeze in place.
“I... I said I would wait.” I manage hoarsely, hating how pathetic I sound. Dami rolls his eyes.
“I know what you said. But I also know you. You’ve been practically glued to me for months now. You hate waiting. You hate not knowing things. This whole situation must be killing you. It’s like the ultimate torture for you.” He points out, continuing with his bluntness.
“You’re... Not wrong.” I admit, swallowing thickly. He lets out a soft, short laugh.
“I thought as much. You say you can wait, and you would do it too, because you’re stubborn like that. But you’d be miserable the whole time. And if I made you sit with it just to make myself more comfortable, that would make me an asshole. You need a solution we can both live with, and you need it now.” Damien says firmly. My stomach sinks. He’s so calm. So steady. He’s not fidgeting. He’s not panicking. He doesn’t look like he’s seconds away from combusting the way I feel inside. If he was feeling anything even close to what I’m feeling… Well, there’s no way he could look like that. I’m doomed. Dami goes quiet for a second, contemplative, and then he nods to himself like he’s decided something. He meets my eyes, steady and focused.
“Tell me what you want right now.” He says, voice low and careful. I blink at him, confused. Is this a trick question?
“I want... What you want?” I answer hesitantly. Damien rolls his eyes again, slower this time, almost fondly.
“Okay, so that was apparently not the right answer…” I mutter. I want HIM to be happy. I want him to be okay. More than anything, I want him. But above all that, I want whatever’s best for him. Which, I guess, is how I know for sure that I love him.
“I meant... Ask me for something.” He says, trying again. Patient, but firm. I stare at him, still lost.
“Huh?” I respond dumbly.
“Well…” He scrubs the back of his neck, finally looking a little awkward.
“You told me you have... Feelings for me. And I don’t quite know how to answer that yet. But what I can tell you is that I care about you, more than I do about almost anyone. And that you’re right. I am... Attracted to you.” He confesses. My breath catches.
“So…” Damien continues slowly.
“Just... Ask me for something. Nothing insane, if you ask me to suddenly elope with you, the answer’s going to be hell no.” He clarifies. There’s a faint twitch of a smile at the corner of his mouth, but his eyes are serious. Honest.
“But I’m open to the idea of... Letting our friendship evolve.” He pauses. Takes a deep breath like he’s about to jump off a cliff. Maybe he is nervous after all. That actually makes me feel a bit better.
“I’m not like you, Eli. I don’t dive in headfirst. I take my time. I adjust. Slowly. Carefully. So... Ask me for something. Give me a chance to adjust?” Damien asks. His voice is steady, but underneath it, I can feel the weight of it, the realness of it. He’s giving me an opening. He’s giving me SOMETHING. Now it’s up to me not to screw it up.
Just as quickly as my hopes shot up, they plummet back down again. Damien wants me to ask for something. He’s willing to consider me, US, in a romantic light. And that’s... Amazing. Way more than I had even dared to hope for. But now he’s standing there, waiting. And I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to ask for… There are SO many things I want from him. So many things I want to give him. So many ways I want to be close to him, to be part of his life, to make him happy. But where do I even START? If I ask for too much, if I reach too far, I could ruin everything. If I ask for too little, he might think I’m not serious. That this is just some passing crush. Some impulsive whim. I would hate that. People already don’t take me seriously. They smile and laugh at the things I say, they brush me off like I’m harmless, like I don’t mean anything I say. If Damien thought that too, if he thought I wasn’t serious about him… It would break me. This shouldn’t be so stressful. It’s just one question. One small thing. But it feels like everything is balanced on the edge of a knife. What if I pick the wrong thing? What if I upset him? What if I go overboard the way I always do, say something too much, be too much, and scare him off entirely? I told Damien I wasn’t going to throw up, but honestly? Right now, I’m not so sure… Shit.