"Dad," I entered his room and smiled when I saw he was peacefully sleeping. These past few days, I hadn't been able to talk to him properly because of his back-and-forth condition. His family always wanted me to hide whenever he was awake, as a daughter I obey what they command me.
And one thing they advise me on is that I should not mention the names of Mommy and Mr. Smith. Even if I was eager to know earlier, it was not possible because Dad might trigger it in his mind, which I don't want to happen. I slowly went to the edge and then put a towel with warm water on his forehead. He often has a fever, even when he is just sleeping, which I was afraid of.
"Get well soon, Dad; your grandchildren wanted to see you." My voice cracked when I said that. I was still a daddy's girl even after years of being apart. I knew we would be fine, after all, it was just because of a misunderstanding.
I wanted to blame everything on him, but I knew I was guilty too. I wanted to make up with him, but given his condition, I just wanted to take care of him. I caressed his thinning hair; it was starting to lose, and it earned a weak sob from me.
"D-dad, we still have a lot to talk about; we have a lot of problems to solve together with my kids." A tear circles in my eyes while holding his hand. "You told me you were okay. Even if you can't forgive me, Dad, even if you just talk to me like before," I chuckle. What I wish for is impossible. How can I do that if he can't forgive me?
"Do you remember what you always told me before? 'Never give up no matter what' but I gave up at that time but everything has changed. Even if you throw me away and throw the words several times that I was a curse, I'll endure it until you can forgive me." I smile at him even though he can't see me. "Despite all the heroes in the movies, I still admire you, Dad; you're the only one who stands out." I grew up as his princess, and I get everything that I ask of him.
He was scratching; I never heard him complain about my every request. He crawled, worked hard and wanted to finish whatever it took, yet I failed him. I don't know where those days started. When he came home, he was furious, threw things, was always drunk, and barely ever came home.
It was still a question to me about how my mom didn't exactly the same as what my aunts told me. Mommy is quiet, has no friends, is modest, and always stays at home. Daddy and I will be served, and after that, we will go to sleep. Even though I didn't see Mom being talkative to others, when she scolded us, she often said a lot.
I love them; I didn't want to doubt them, but...it's like I didn't know my family yet? I tried to remove it from my mind, but until I fell asleep, that was what was on my mind.
The next day, when I woke up, I snuck into my dad's room when no one was around and they were all downstairs. I slowly closed the door and started searching for my dad's album and the mom that he was carrying. I scratched it until I reached the end, but still had no clue. Everything was clean, and it was as if someone knew that I would be seeking something. Everything was polished; there was not even a trace to tell that anyone had moved.
A nervous rise in my chest thinking about it—how come I feel this way? Dad was still sleeping; the doctor said he would wake up later and said his temperature was just high. I give up when I see none. I can't insist on immediately seeing what is hard to find.
I walked and held my dad's forehead and also mine to compare; he was still hot but not as high as yesterday. I stayed there for a few minutes, then decided to go downstairs, and they might wonder why I was here in Dad's room for so long.
When I went down, I caught up with my aunts, uncles, and Raven, who were talking about something, and it looked like they were still waiting for me because they hadn't touched their food yet. When Aunt Lucia spotted me, she immediately waved.
"Let's eat." I just nodded and had no choice but to sit next to Raven because that was the only vacancy nearby.
"Good morning." I greeted them all out of respect.
"Good morning, we are talking about your business in Chicago." Uncle John started. I simply took a glimpse of the man to see his reaction, but I found none. Does he know, or is he pretending not to know?
It's annoying; I don't have the ability to read his mind. I pouted and looked at my family instead.
"Ahh," I scratched my nape. "That was a small business to survive in Chicago."
"Anyway, you get your dad's thinking when it comes to business, so I wasn't even surprised anymore." Uncle John beams, so I did the same to him.
"Why didn't you ask for help from us or from your family on your mother's side? I mean, we're still your family." I parted my lips and wanted to tell them that I knew they would just throw me away, but I forced myself to just put everything in my mind.
"I want to be independent." I answered instead of telling them a story about how I refused to ask for help from them because I already knew the outcome. We started eating, and we were talking about something else when they noticed I was uncomfortable with the topic on my part.
***
In the middle of my thoughts, Daddy suddenly came in front of me. I was startled, but I chose to smile even though I tried. Because I was in their garden, I recently discovered this area, which is my aunt Laura's favorite spot because, like her mother, she is fond of flowers. However, I was here because of the butterflies that land on the flowers and spread their wings in different colors. It's making me feel so good.
"Dad," I stood up to greet him; he smiled and also looked at me, so I went to him and followed.
"Do you see that butterfly who had a lot of mixed colors?" I nodded. "It was your mom's favorite butterfly of all; she doesn't want plain or simple because it is boring in her eyes." I heard a heavy sigh. "Just like her favorites, she is something special; she surpasses the others wherever I am looking." He started to open the conversation, my eyes sparkling knowing that my dad would tell me how everything started, but it faded when he gave me a dagger look. "What are you doing here? Get out! I don't need you here; you killed my wife!" He was going to attack me, and all I did was close my eyes to feel his anger, but I waited too long and decided to open my eyes. When I saw Raven push Dad to the other side, he was supported by the maids.
I weakened; I didn't expect that was what he would do next. It really seems like I can't get anything rapidly. Nevertheless, I thought that Dad still neglected me in his mind because of what I did to Mom, so now that I'm here, it happens often.
I don't know, but someone is whispering to me that there is something wrong and I need to stay here to discover what it is.
Raven supports me. I start to feel something when his hands touch my skin. I chose to ignore it and instead was troubled by what I should do now. It's as if my hunch is not good about this household; since coming here, Daddy's eyes are full of anger but also with concern.
"Raven," I called his name. He stayed with me, and I held his other arm with my left hand. "Tell me, is something wrong with my dad? How come he's the only one with such a disease and since he's been here everything has gotten worse?" I whimper, trying to understand that maybe my suspicion is unlike others.
"I was suspecting that too," my eyes widened hearing it from his mouth. Then I'm not the only one, "he was fine when I talked to him, so...I don't know why he was like that when you came."
"You two talking?" He nodded. "But why?"
"I just ask for permission," he responded sparingly. I respected it if he was hiding, "but... your dad really wants to see you when we last talk. That's why I picked you up as he ordered." I doubted the truth even more, and I need to know what it really is because I can't be bothered if I just stay here.
"What else did he tell you?" He massaged his temple. I was waiting for something.
"Oh, he said, let's meet in his zigzag room." I was hopeless; I didn't know what or where that was; I didn't know anything about this house. My shoulder fell upon realizing that there was nothing I could do this time, but a sudden light started to recall my memories