Chapter 125
“Can you tell me why you can’t, or won’t, talk to them?” Theo asked as he tried to meet her eye, but she pointedly looked away so it couldn’t happen.
Would he accept that Vivian was terrified of their reaction? Was that a good enough excuse? Could Theo not see that she had too much to lose?
“What can I do to help you through this?” He asked when she hadn’t said anything for a minute.
“I don’t know,” she whispered, feeling drained.
“If you feel you can’t tell them yourself, would it be okay if I told them for you?”
Vivian opened her mouth, but no sound came out, so she closed it. Why was everything about this so hard?
The truth was she wanted her family to know, to have no secrets, so she could stop worrying about them finding out; but she feared they’d walk away because of it.
It was the same thoughts constantly going around in her head and Vivian was so tired.
“If you were in their shoes,” Theo began, pausing for a second as if for emphasis, “how would you react to your child, or sibling, telling you what you told me? What if you learned that they worried about telling you, because they were scared of your reaction? Has your family ever done anything to make you think they would stop loving you just like that?”
Vivian grimaced, not wanting to think about how she would take such news from a loved one. She’d accepted Theo, even after learning about the events from his childhood, because he was still the same boy in her eyes. There was a chance her family would react in kind, but she also knew her way of seeing situations was considered ‘odd’ by others. It was likely they wouldn’t react the same way.
“Okay, how about… why didn’t you tell anyone about being bullied?” He tried again, gently prodding her with words. “Were you worried you’d be seen differently by everyone?”
Vivian shook her head at his question, the answer being simple enough she was certain her voice wouldn’t fail this time. “Silence is a person’s strongest weapon,” she told him, still not meeting his eye. Pressing a hand to her chest, she continued, “You don’t talk about … you don’t talk about what’s happened. You let it stay in the past, so it can’t hurt you anymore.”
“… but your past is still hurting you, Vivian, even though you’ve never talked about it. Why not try a different approach, instead? It’s obvious that keeping it all inside isn’t working.”
She couldn’t argue with him on this point. Keeping everything inside, never bringing it up… it was all still there, still haunting her every thought. All her decisions were based on past experiences, past suffering, in order to protect herself in the present and future. She’d never been able to trust people, because it felt like her childhood had been this big lie; one that, when found out, ended with her mother’s murder. How could she trust anything when there was a chance none of this was what it seemed? When the outcome could lead to someone’s death?
“Talk to me, Vivian. What’s going on in your head right now?”
Vivian shook her head again. “A lot…”
“Hmm… if you could use a single word to describe it, what would it be?”
After a minute Vivian gave up trying to find a better word to describe what was going on in her head. “It’s a mess,” she told him with a shrug. “I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Vivian… what do you want?”
“Huh?” She said, confused.
“What do you want?”
“For what?”
“Anything. Everything. Right now. What is it you really want? What do you want from your family? What do you want from me?”
What do I want? The thought felt awkward to Vivian, like it didn’t belong in her mind. What she wanted had never been a high priority; only survival mattered. “I don’t know.”
“Okay… okay. How much do you trust me?”
What was he trying to get at now? Vivian frowned and finally met his gaze. “I… don’t know.”
Theo chuckled at her honesty, earning a deeper frown from Vivian. “It sounds like you’re lost on what to do.”
“… I guess… But…”
“Let me help you. Please. I want to help you. Your family wants to help you. You trusted me enough to tell me about your mom… don’t you think your father and your brothers deserve the same?”
She knew Theo wasn’t wrong. There was no reason for her not to trust her family… and yet it was so hard to do. They’d never done anything that made her feel nervous or unsafe, and always kept their word. Hadn’t she told Laurent he was free to tell their father whatever he wanted about her, to run her over with the bus if that’s what he thought was best, only for him to do… nothing. As far as she knew, her brother hadn’t said anything to their father, just like she’d asked. Didn’t that count for something?
What about when he’d gotten her out of the locker, and kept people from overwhelming her? Or how Samuel always made sure to check in with how she was doing? He’d even hired a bodyguard to keep her safe.
Gabriel was always wanting to do little things with her, like go for ice cream or see a movie — was that not worth something?
Even Sebastian, as little as she’d interacted with him, always took the time to have a conversation with her when he was at the house. He also messaged her at least once a day. Sure, it was usually a meme or something silly, but it meant he was keeping her in his thoughts, didn’t it?
All of them were putting in so much effort, making her feel welcome and part of the family, and all she did was keep her distance.
How was that fair?
The foster families she’d been a part of had never put in so much effort. The man she’d once called Dad… Paul had never cared about how she was doing, never took the time to get to know her as a person, or show any sort of affection that didn’t end in punishment.
These people, her real family, had never raised a hand at her, never did anything to make her feel unsafe… in fact they’d only ever done the opposite.
Vivian let out a low sigh. “… alright.”