Chapter 118
“Vivian…? Vivian…! What’s wrong, Vivian!?”
Vivian blinked, trying to understand what was happening. The police shouldn’t be using that name… Where was it coming from? Who was talking to her?
Turning her head, the world around her was suddenly completely different. There’d been endless chatter, sirens, and questions, before it was suddenly changed into faint murmuring and a warm sun overhead that did nothing to stop the chill that swept over Vivian in the moment.
People were all around her, but they weren’t speaking, except the one calling her name.
Hadn’t she just been…? How had she gotten back here just like that? Why was she sitting on the track? Wasn’t she suppose to be… running?
Warm hands were pressed on either side of her face, helping to keep the chill that seemed to have taken root in her very bones at bay, if only a little. The hands belonged to the face just in front of her, and she blinked a few more times, frowning as her vision cleared. Samuel was watching her with a look of worry. “Vivian? Can you hear me?”
“Y-yes…?” She managed to say. “W-what h-happened?” Her body wouldn’t stop shaking. As she glanced around at the people encircling the two of them, her adrenaline flared again.
“Hey, Vivian, look at me,” Samuel instructed in a soft voice, drawing her gaze back to meet his own. “Everything’s okay. You’re safe. I need you to breathe with me, okay? Can you do that?”
She nodded a little and followed his example, forcing air into her lungs, holding it for a couple seconds, before slowly letting it out. This was repeated a few more times until her body stopped producing adrenaline and the shaking began to calm. “What happened?” She asked once it felt like she could speak without stuttering.
“I’m not sure,” he began, visibly hesitating as his eyes darting to the crowd. “But I think… you had a flashback.”
The way he said the word ‘flashback’ made Vivian wonder what, exactly, she’d done to make him come to that conclusion. However, she wasn’t about to ask while surrounded by strangers. “Oh,” she finally forced herself to say. “Sorry.”
Samuel’s expression softened as he shook his head. “You don’t have to apologize. Come on, let’s go somewhere you can rest.”
His hands left her cheeks and it suddenly felt like she was alone, adrift at sea with no shore in sight. “Vivian,” he called, drawing her attention again as his hands gently closed around her own. “Can you stand?”
Could she stand? She wasn’t sure. Her legs felt like they’d fallen asleep and wouldn’t fully cooperate as, with the help of her father, she rose to her feet. Samuel let one of her hands go and wrapped his arm around her waist, giving her some much needed support, as the world tilted before righting itself after a couple seconds.
Vivian still couldn’t understand what was going on, as the people sitting in the bleachers came to life, clapping and cheering. The sudden increase in noise made Vivian falter, but Samuel continued to guide her to her team’s bench on the sideline.
Lowering herself onto the bench, Vivian curled her fingers around the hem of her shorts as she tried to figure out what was real and what was memory. Samuel sat next to her as Coach Mac approached, crouching just in front of Vivian to look her in the eye. “Hey there, Miss St Peters. Can I get you anything? Water? Juice? A snack?”
People were still hovering — mainly her teammates — and it was making Vivian nervous. As if noticing her discomfort, Samuel spoke in her stead. “Some water, please. Can you give us a minute?”
“Yes, of course,” Coach Mac nodded, pushing himself back up to his full height before turning around and barking, “Aren’t you all supposed to be competing? Git!”
A few seconds later an open bottle of water found its way into Vivian’s hands, which she stared at for a while before taking a drink. Warmth had finally started spreading through her body as the last of the fuzziness disappeared from her mind.
Feeling self conscious, Vivian closed her eyes and let out a tired sigh. “How bad was it?” She asked after a minute.
The question seemed to take Samuel by surprise, as he shifted on the bench, his arm snaking around her shoulder and giving her a reassuring squeeze before he spoke. “You started running then suddenly stopped, and stood there for a minute before falling to your knees,” he recounted, voice still soft. “You were whispering something over and over again, until you started coming out of it.”
That didn’t sound so bad; at least she hadn’t screamed or, worse, acted out the memory. She was curious what she’d been whispering, but was hesitant to ask, worried about the answer.
It wasn’t the first time she’d gotten lost in a flashback, but she also hadn’t experienced once since just before her tenth birthday. Six full years had passed since then, but the memory still hit just as hard as ever.
After all this time it felt like she was eight years old again, trying to figure out how to deal with what had happened with no one she could turn to. For the first time since that day in the woods, Vivian felt the hollow space in her chest that was hopelessness. All these years she’d worked so hard to leave the past behind, but it always came back around time and time again. She was beginning to understand there would be no escape from it, no avoiding the consequences of what she’d done — what her mom had done for her.
Paul would never let her go. The freedom Vivian thought she’d found over the years was nothing more than an illusion, easily shattered when put to the smallest test.
A tear slid down her cheek, followed by another as Vivian wrapped her arms around herself. She couldn’t stop the tears from coming. Lowered her head, she fought against the hollow feeling that only grew bigger with each passing second.
Life wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t she be allowed to just… live like every other teenager out there? Why did everything have to go so wrong all the time?
It just… wasn’t fair.