I wish I knew
I wish I knew
Aribella's POV
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I hissed under my breath, clutching my clothes to my chest as I stare at the communal bathrooms.
Naked men parade around everywhere, scrubbing the dirt and grime from their bodies. Urinals lined a far wall, and a few curtains separated the toilets from view, but it wasn’t enough.
You can see everything.
There wasn’t an ounce of privacy, and I honestly don’t know why I assumed I’d have any.
This is another test, after all. One I’ll pass with flying colors, which will only piss Johnston off enough to kill me.
“Something got you scared, pretty girl?” someone called out, and a few whistles erupted throughout both the bathroom area and bunks.
I thought men were pigs in my past life, but this… I feel like a lab experiment.
“Scared of a sea of shrimp?” I squared my shoulders and straightened my spine as I walked through naked bodies and leering eyes. This was discomfort amplified. I felt their gazes, every last one of them against my skin, my face, my legs…. Everywhere.
Like I’m being dissected.
“Not a chance. I’ve seen scarier horse shit,” I step into a stall, tugging the curtain as far as it’ll go and just stand there, catching my breath.
Fuck Johnston and fuck Rhory. Fuck the Kingdom of Sacaris. Fuck Mael and Emrys too. The only one who would look me in the eye is Mael, and even he seems distant these days.
My neck is stiff from all my pretending. Hours of keeping my face a mask, my posture stone-like, and my mind far away from this wretched place.
Most of the men ignore me entirely, but the ones who don’t, are the loudest.
“Where’s your little dog, sweetheart?” I hear the heavy footsteps of Oscar, one of the most leering and angry of all the men who found themselves here.
They’ve started to refer to Peyton as my dog.
My patience is wearing thinner by the minute, but Johnston’s plan was to break me. It’s exactly what he wants, because he’s just like Mael. My suffering will bring him far more joy than my death.
Jokes on him. When I broke the last time, I picked up the pieces myself, ground them into dust, and molded myself into something stronger… Someone who wouldn’t break so easily.
“You jerks are relentless,” Peyton grits out.
“Would you look at that,” Oscar scoffs. “She says jump and you say how high. Hope you’re ready to die for the bitch. She’s going to be a liability.”
“Ignore him, Pey,” I call out, quickly peeling the uniform from my body. After changing, I rip back the curtain. Peyton’s hot on my heel, but when we get out to the barracks, I spin around, and he bumps right into me.
Peyton’s arm snakes around my back before I can stumble to the ground. His eyes grow wide and a light pink flush paints his cheeks, quickly righting me and taking his hands from my body as though it had burned him, “Goodness, Ari, I’m sorry,” he shakes his head. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, but you have to stop trying to protect me so much,” my shoulders fall at the dejected look that falls over his face. “You have no idea how much it means to me, but I don’t want a target on your back just for my sake.”
“I don’t care about a target on my back,” he’s offended, and guilt floods my gut. He leans down next to my ear, “The things they say about you,” a low growl vibrates the air near my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. “I won’t stop, no mater how many times you ask me.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, the events of the day finally crushing my will. My eyes panned around the room, hoping to catch a glimpse of Kaelar stalking somewhere in the shadows, but I knew it was fruitless.
I could always feel the intensity of his gaze, which meant he wasn’t here.
“Don’t you dare be sorry,” Peyton dipped his face down. “None of this is your fault, do you understand me? Those men,” he thumbed towards the showers. “They’re disgusting pigs, not even worthy of being on a farm, but you have nothing to do with that.”
I collapsed onto my cot, dragging Peyton’s until it was touching mine. He sat down, hanging his head between his legs, “I hate that you’re here, Ari,” he whispers. “It’s not fair.”
“Life isn’t fair,” I tug the thin, crusty cloth they provided as a blanket up my body, feeling the stiffness of the cot beneath my spine. The fabric is rough enough to agitate the skin on my back, and I’m certain I won’t get much rest here. “I’ll get through this the same way I have with everything else.”
“What does he think?” Peyton’s voice was barely audible.
I could spend the entirety of my inevitably sleepless night speculating what Kaelar thought, but even now, after all of this time, his mind is like a crypt. The contents are tightly sealed inside.
Even earlier, kneeling before him, there was an entire movie playing in his mind. A story that blended emotions and monsters, but I never had enough time to pick them apart, and he was a master at his art.
His voice gave away nothing.
“I wish I knew.”