Chapter 39-1

Reubinon Palace, Pellarmus. One week after the attack. Nadia healed me slowly, working over the course of a few hours in hopes of not overwhelming my body. Just as she'd done after the Linomi mission, she pulled the stiches out and healed the wound without them. It was agonizing and I spent most of the time blinking away tears and trying not to cry out in pain, but I was glad when she'd finished and I could walk without issue. That night, we had dinner together in my room. It was the first time she'd really had anything to eat in days and at my request, the maids brought in a feast worth of food. As we ate, I told her about Isla's impending marriage to the prince of Haniver, leaving out Isla's relationship with Annalise in my telling. I explained the need for troops closer to Erydia and also told her about what Britta had said about being in Nadia's debt. Nadia, in turn, told me everything I'd missed right after the attack. We stayed up late, munching on buttered rolls and sipping cups of hot chocolate. And it was nice, just talking. Even if the subject matter was still morbid and stressful, there something normal about it—just getting to spend time together. Funny, that this was what I'd come to considered to be peace. Nadia told me about Dellacov's return and how he'd come to the medical ward looking for Uri. He'd found only Cohen, unconscious and lingering somewhere in the dark depths, and Britta—who had been the one to tell him that the princess was gone. Lost forever. He'd come to find me afterward. "Britta didn't know all of the details and I—I didn't want to discuss it with Cohen there. I don't exactly know what he can hear, if anything. But..." Nadia had paused, her attention caught on the rising moon outside the window. Its silver light had glowed along the sea, catching in every crested wave. She'd chewed her bottom lip, considering, before she'd finished, "I want him to only hear good things. I want him to come back to me. And—And I want him to have a reason to live. To fight." I'd sipped my drink and watched her, unsure what to say to that. Finally, I asked, "Are you in love with him?" Her brows had risen at the question. "I—um..." She shoved hair from her face and said, "We haven't really—It isn't—We aren't like—" "I shouldn't have asked, I'm sorry." "No. I just—We haven't exactly said it to each other." This had me smiling. "But do you love him?" Even in my bedroom, lit only by the heat of the fireplace, I could see the blush spreading across her cheeks. I'd thought maybe she wouldn't answer, but after a long moment, she spoke around her fingernail. "Isn't it obvious how I feel?" I'd smiled at the question. "You should tell him." "I will, if he decides to wake up." I'd shrugged. "Why wait until then?" "Because..." Nadia had trailed off. And that's how we'd ended up in the medical ward at two in the morning. *** Britta glanced up from the book in her lap as we entered the room. She did a double take when she saw me, her eyes widening as she said, "You—You seem better." I nodded, "Yeah, I feel better." The tension between us was unyielding as I nodded towards the door. "Can we talk alone for a minute?" This caught Britta by surprise, but she hid it well enough, only hesitating a heartbeat before she shut her book and stood up. "Is everything alright?" I nodded. "Nadia just wants a minute alone with Cohen." Her brow furrowed at that, but she didn't protest as I headed for the door. I gave Nadia a little push towards the bed before I glanced back to make sure the queen of Pellarmus was following me from the room. Britta said something I couldn't hear to Nadia on her way out and then shut the door behind us, leaving my friend alone with the unconscious boy she loved. Britta crossed her arms over her chest and glanced towards the door, as if she could see through it. "What—What is it?" "I wanted to apologize for the other night. I don't—I don't exactly regret what I said, but I shouldn't have been so rude. It wasn't appropriate, I guess." She seemed taken aback by this and her arms went slack at her sides. "Monroe, I'm a grown woman, I—I'm not mad at you for challenging me or for being upset. In some ways, you were right. I should have told Cohen the truth. I should have done more to get him out of harm's way sooner. I just...I realize I didn't do things the right way, or at least, not in a way that benefitted everyone. Your choice to work with the Culled didn't benefit everyone either. It certainly didn't benefit my brother or my sister—people you considered friends. I think maybe we should just agree that neither of us is perfect and that we made the best of bad situations." I nodded. "I'd like to start over." She considered me. "You know, Uri liked you a lot. And I know maybe she came across as being carefree and easy to be friends with, but she was guarded and—and she didn't have a lot of friends. She was lonely a lot of the time. Most people didn't get close enough to her to care about anything more than her title..." Britta shrugged. "But you did. You invested in her. And in Cohen—even though you didn't have to. And, for all your faults, I know that the letter my brother found included a plea for their safety. Dellacov told me that himself. And it's something I will not forget. I have not forgotten it." I held her gaze. "I don't want to be your enemy, Britta." She pulled her sweater tighter around her shoulders and nodded. In that moment, she didn't look like a queen. Britta just looked like a hurting girl—a young woman who was mourning her younger sister and spending every waking hour by her brother's bedside, praying to the Pellarmi gods or the Erydian goddess that he wouldn't die. She looked a lot like the young portrait of Viera, near tears, with the world on her shoulders. Britta's voice was soft as she said, "I don't need any more enemies. I am surrounded on all sides." "Then let's start over. Let's be friends." She considered me for a moment before she nodded. "Yes. Let's." *** I arranged a meeting with Britta for later that morning. Our truce, however fragile and fledgling, was enough to convince her to meet with me and the other goddess-touched girls. I waited in the hallway outside Cohen's room just long enough to tell Nadia goodnight—long enough to see her flushed cheeks and slightly uncomfortable smile as she'd opened the door and thanked Britta for the privacy—and then I'd gone to sleep. I knew what it was to see the person you love unconscious and hurting. I'd seen Kai like that twice—once in my family's cabin after Linomi, and again after he'd been shot during the journey from Erydia to Vayelle. I'd known both times that I loved him—but I'd only admitted it to him after he'd come-to, and after he'd said it first. As I'd crawled into bed and curled into the darkness of my bedroom, I wondered if I'd have had the courage to tell him I loved him even if he hadn't been awake to say it back. Maybe the pressure of him returning the sentiment wasn't there—but to speak something like that into silence and know it wouldn't, couldn't, be returned... it took a different sort of courage. That sort of action was hinged hope. I was still thinking about it as I woke and dressed that morning. I'd become so accustomed to being in pain, that I expected each movement to ache. It was bizarre to be able to move without my side crying out—without the off-kilter hobble of my steps. I didn't even have to pause as I pulled on my leggings and laced my boots. I felt whole and well for the first time in days. But the morning was not without its challenges. Heidi had taken to brooding—which wasn't exactly a surprise, but was an inconvenience. What was worse, she'd somehow made friends with Tavin—who before the attack had seemed as likely to kill her as he was to kiss her. Now, they'd created some sort of alliance, one I didn't exactly understand, but I knew had to spell trouble for everyone involved. Heidi on her own was a force to be reckoned with, add in Tavin and we were certainly in for a mess. When the maids couldn't track Heidi down early that morning to tell her about our meeting with Britta, I went in search of her myself. I stopped in the kitchen long enough to swipe a tart from one of Isla's secret tins and then I was off.