Chapter 35-3

Isla's brows rose and she started to shrug, almost out of habit, but then stopped herself. She inhaled deeply and then exhaled, fiddling with the cigarette before she said, "Yes." I adjusted my hips, trying to find a more comfortable position on the carpet as I asked, "For how long?" "A while." "But your brother doesn't know?" Isla didn't respond right away. She just stood there, smoking her cigarette, her green eyes distant—lost in a memory I couldn't see. After what felt like its own eternity, she said, "My brother sees nothing except his own plans, his own desires. Everything else is...unimportant." I thought of what I knew about Isla. She'd wanted to stay in the military but she hadn't been given that option. She'd followed her brother's direction. Instead of doing what she wanted, she'd stepped forward to meet her "other obligations," as she'd once put it. Even though Cohen had said she was probably more deadly than any of us. Even though she'd wanted a different path—even though Isla had wanted to continue to fight. I meant it as I said, "I'm sorry." Isla glanced up at me. Her voice was gruff, full of a sort of frustration I understood, as she said, "I'm not asking for your pity. I just..." "You don't have my pity, Isla. My understanding, yes. My support, certainly. But I wouldn't dare insult you with my pity." She took a long drag of her cigarette and turned her gaze on me. "He suspects, I think. I—It isn't like I'm super good at hiding it. I don't really want to hide it. I don't try, not like I probably should. So, if he would look, he would probably see. But, Darragh is blind. He sees only what he wants to see. And right now he only has eyes for Britta Warwick and Erydia." "And Annalise does want to hide it?" "Annalise does not want to make things more difficult than they already are. She does not want to have her heart broken. And she knows I'll end up hurting her—even if that is the last thing I would ever want to do." "Why would you hurt her?" "Because she knows I'll choose him. Darragh—He has always asked things of me and sometimes...sometimes they are not easy things. They are not always things I like or enjoy. But I will choose him. She knows it." "Then why do them?" She shrugged and tapped the cigarette against her lips. "He's my brother. My family. And now he is my king." Loyalty. Pure, fierce loyalty shone in her eyes. There was a quiver in her bottom lip as she leaned forward, tapping ash into the vase as she admitted, "But—But Annalise is my friend...more than my friend. And—And I wish I could choose her, just once. Sometimes, sometimes I think maybe I shouldn't love her. Darragh wouldn't like it. He—I'm expected to marry and have heirs. Whatever my future holds, no one will support my desire to be with Annalise. No one will fight for it." As soon as the words left her mouth, she looked to me, those jade eyes searching my face as if she regretted saying anything at all. I pressed a hand to my side and closed my eyes. My first instinct was to apologize, to reassure her that she could trust me, but I also knew that Isla didn't want any pity from me. She didn't want me to feel sorry for her. I think maybe she just wanted to be heard. To be seen. And that was a feeling I knew all too well. I sighed heavily. "I am in love with the King of Erydia. He lied to me about who he really was. He let me walk into a trap because he was too afraid to be honest with me. And—And he let his uncle beat me, burn me, for weeks and he—he...he didn't fight back. Or...he didn't fight back the way I wanted him to. And now, now he's sent someone to kill me. I'm hurt because of an edict he signed. An edict that would have me dead before I could ever return home. Return to him." Don't come back. The three words rang through me, like a death toll. I opened my eyes and ran the pad of my thumb across the ring I wore. The small stones and intricately carved band seemed to catch the light. I looked up at Isla, meeting her gaze as I said, "He sent me away. He has made himself the enemy of everyone I care about. He is—He is technically my enemy. But I love him. I love him even though all of my friends hate him. Even though he is to blame for so much of what has happened to me. And they expect me to fight against him. They expect me to stop loving him. But...but I can't. And maybe that makes me weak—" Her voice was soft as she said, "It does not make you weak." "What I'm trying to say is: No one is going to fight for my relationship with Kai. Even he has stopped fighting." My throat burned. "He would like nothing more than for me to stay here. But I won't. I—I can't. Fighting for him, for us, is my choice. I don't expect anyone else to stand beside me in that battle. I realize it is not the popular choice. And maybe it's the same for you and Annalise. Well, not exactly the same, but similar. If you love her and she is worth fighting for, then fight. Fight even if you fight alone. Fight even if she's given up." Isla pursed her lips. "But you did not fight for him in Erydia. He sent you away and you left. Darragh—Darragh told me you didn't even get upset. You didn't even cry. How can you sit there and tell me to fight, when you aren't fighting for the person you love?" I glanced up at her. "Leaving wasn't my choice. I was drugged and put on that boat. If I had my way, I'd still be there with him. I'd fight with him. For him. And I did get upset. Just not in front of everyone else. I—Isla, I love Kai. I love him desperately. My fight for him hasn't started yet. Not really. Right now, it's all quiet hunger. It's got to be. If I'm loud, if I tell everyone that I still love him, they'll keep me here. My friends will keep me from helping Kai. I know they will. They'll fight me and—and I just want to save him without having to hurt anyone I love." "If I chose Annalise, I would be shirking my duty. I will hurt Darragh and my country. He needs me to do what he asks. He needs me to deny myself—my wants—and do what is best for Pellarmus. He's doing that. He did that when he married Britta Warwick. He was fond of her, sure...but he married her for the alliance. He married her for the betterment of our nation. I am expected to do the same." Footsteps sounded down the hall and for a moment it looked like Isla might cry with frustration. She shoved the butt of her cigarette against the shiny exterior of the vase and then dropped it inside. It made a soft, hollow sound as it hit the bottom. She straightened as the footsteps grew louder, heading our way. I reached out a hand to her and she stepped forward, her gaze still on the end of the hallway as she helped me to my feet. I hissed in pain and had to lean on the wall to steady myself and catch my breath. Good goddess, the wound hurt like hell. Isla frowned at me, but said nothing. I tightened my hold on her as I leaned in, careful to keep my voice quiet as I said, "Isla, if you do decide to fight—it doesn't have to be alone. I'll stand with you." I offered her a small smile. "Remember: powerful women have to stick together." She swallowed and nodded quickly. Just before the footsteps rounded the corner, she said, "And you won't be alone either, Monroe Benson." "You swear that?" Isla gave my hand a firm squeeze and took a step forward, moving to greet her brother as he rounded the corner and headed towards us. "On all the gods," she said to me, her thick accent almost making the Erydi words incoherent. "I swear it on all the gods."