Chapter 113 Say You Hate Me

Chapter 113 Say You Hate Me
Killian

I sighed heavily again. I have carried this weight in my chest for so long. She can't just say it's not a big deal. What I did was anger and revenge and I regret it because the next morning, I dumped her there and didn't have any intention of coming back. 

So she has to understand that. 

“ Listen to me, Raven.” I started. “Every day of my life I regret it, okay? ” 

I paused to take another breath.“ You might have thought it was just plain sex, but to me, I did something punishable by death and I regret it….okay? It ate deep in me, something in me broke after I realised what I did to you ….”

She interrupted me.“ But I chose not to take it as anything serious.”

I ran a hand over my face.“ I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.”

She nodded.“ I do and I choose to forgive you.”

I stared at her, disbelief in my face.“ No…listen to me. I raped you !” 

She nodded again.“ And I forgive you.”

I snorted, pacing a few steps and then returning back to my initial posting.“ I violated you, Raven!" 

She nodded again. Her nods are becoming annoying. This wasn't the reaction that had been playing in my head for years.“ Don't you get it? You're supposed to be mad at me….you're supposed to tell me you hate me and probably tell the cops.” I was yelling now.

She still appeared calm.“ But I don't hate you. I think I love you actually.” She put a hand on her jaw, as if she was contemplating what she just said.

I stiffened right there and then.

What?... Love?

My heart was beating so damn fast at her words. “ I'm not a good person, Raven. I've never been a good person, can't you see why my parents hate me?” 

She shook her head, disagreeing with me.“I love you regardless.” 

What!

What is she saying? 

She twitches, scrunching up her nose.“ Your parents hate you because they are blind, no offense though. I mean, look at you.” 

She looks me up and down, then circles me, tracing her fingers on my shoulders. 

I started hyperventilating. Chills were running up and down my spine so fast my breath got stuck in my throat.

“ You're a made man and you did it all by yourself. You're a doctor, the best surgeon in the country. You own your own hospital, you run an orphanage, you're dangerously handsome, you…..” She stopped talking, raising my shirt up to touch my belly.“ You've lost your abs.” 

She crooked a brow at me and I shrugged. I stopped working out months ago so of course my abs would disappear.

She continued scrutinising me either way.“You act like a child sometimes, you're smart, you have a dirty mind, you have a very weird way of expressing your feelings." She gave me a knowing look.

Every single word she said hit my fragile heart like bullets. There was this bubbling feeling in my chest, it was so overwhelming in a good kind of way.

I've never felt like this in my entire life.

She came to stand in front of me, locking her fingers behind my neck and pressing herself to my chest.“ You're the strongest man I know, Killain. Right up from day one, you have resilience and….” 

She places her right palm on my chest, right on the thing beating in my chest.“ ….you have a heart.”

If I were a girl, I'd probably start crying. Just kidding, I won't. But that doesn't deny the feeling of belonging that she just instilled in my subconscious. That feeling that somebody sees me that I had somehow longed for.

I didn't know what to say, my chest was filled with all sorts of emotions. I was standing so still that if you'd look close enough, you'd see the slight trembling of my hands.

She smiled at me, it was so genuine and…and….I don't even know the right words to use. But it tugged on this string in my chest. That simple gesture could raise the dead no doubt. 

“ And it's okay that you were scared. That's why you were never truly straightforward with how you felt about me plus you felt guilty. You were scared because you kept judging yourself from your parents' view, not how I see you.” She pressed a finger on my chin to force me to look at her. 

I had let my gaze fall to the ground because her words had hit something in me and I didn't have the guts to let her read my eyes. The fastest way to read me is through my eyes when I've let the mask fall off. 

“ You thought,I'd see you as whatever they said you were. Or I'll judge you for the supposed act you committed. You were scared that in the end, Nero would win and they would be right about you.” 

I wanted to say something, to deny it but I only choked on my saliva. 

She shook her head, like she finally got it.“ That's it, Killian. You're scared that Nero would win because he always has. So you wanted the quickest route to escape whatever pain comes with it.” 

I finally forced myself to speak and I could barely recognise my own voice." I'm not scared….I…I.." 

She placed her finger on my lips to shut me up.“ This child, regardless of whether it's yours or not, isn't what's putting us apart, Killian." She said and I swallowed hard.

Why was she repeating what Alex had told me? How come they are the only ones that think so?

" It isn't and I only realised it just a few days ago!”

Silence followed for a few seconds and she didn't stop staring at me. I came here to make up with her….I should be the one doing the talking. 

I don't like the way I was becoming uncomfortable and this disturbing feeling in my chest. Like my past was fighting my present and it was going on inside me.

She placed her hands on my chin again, forcing me to look her in the eye. I don't want her to look at me because I feel she can see right through me. It's like she can read my mind and I sure as hell don't want her to see what's underneath.

“ You haven't forgiven me, Killian.”

A snigger rippled through my chest.“ I…I…I…” Once again, my vocabulary failed me. 

I could have said ‘ I have ‘ and been done with it but those two words refused to form.

Her words had struck a chord in my head and the fact that they touched my subconscious showed that there might be some truth to what she said. If not, I would have had no reaction at all.

“ I see it in your eyes, Killain.” She continued.“ You're still struggling with the pain, you're still hurt even if you have been telling yourself for years that you have forgiven me.”

I want her to stop talking,I don't like the reaction my body is having.

“ And you know why? ….it's because you kept that Injustice in your heart for so long. It was never resolved….and the fact that I was the cause made it all worse.” 

My eyes were beginning to sting. I don't want to know why, but that anger that felt like it had been in a cage inside my chest for decades started resurfacing. 

I gritted my teeth tightly, forcing the anger to go back down. I even had to close my eyes for a brief moment but she tapped my cheeks, forcing me to open my eyes.

She shook her head.” No Killian ... don't suppress it, let it out.” 

I scoffed." I'm not mad at you…why will I be?” I didn't even realise that I had said those words angrily. 

My hands were vibrating and I was panting now. She wanted to reach for me again but I pushed her away forcefully, breaking our proximity. I was shocked at my own reaction. 

No...

I'm not angry!

I'm not angry!

I'm not angry! 

I kept repeating the words out loud, tugging on my hair as I paced until I finally realised that she was right. 

Right now, it feels like I finally want to explode and I really want to because I'm tired. 

I'm tired of pretending that it was fine when it wasn't so for the first time, I let my anger take control of my every being.