Twenty Nine

10:56 AM Jackson turns his body and cups my face in his hands. "I'd die for you. I'd die a thousand times over if it meant you live." "Everyone dies." This statement is so cold, so far removed I feel as if I'm speaking about someone else. A character in a movie, or a book. "I'm not afraid to die." Am I? No. Not so long as I lived. With Jackson, I'm alive. "You won't. You can't. I can't live without you." "If you've taught me anything, it's to love each moment. We shouldn't think about what's going to happen tomorrow, a week from now, a year from now, ten years from now." How the roles have reversed. Ten minutes ago, I was demanding to know my future from Jax. Ten hours ago, I didn't know I'd die before the age of forty, either. Ten seconds ago, this minute, this moment wasn't as important as it is now. The idea of being separated from Jax, even in death, is one I can't bring myself to think about. It's too painful. Sure, maybe I am the one that dies, maybe Jackson is the one who gets left behind but it hurts just the same. "Maybe you were sent back here to be able to say goodbye?" This simple phrase gives me my first introduction to anxious Jackson. He stands and begins to pace the tiny space between the two beds. "Jax?" He doesn't pause. "Jax," I say more firmly. This time he does stop. His hand grips the back of his neck as if whatever it is he's thinking about is giving him a headache. "You're going to start a fire with the friction in your feet." "Sorry," he says. "I'm just thinking. What if the fucking stars aligned and the universe did whatever it's supposed to do. Maybe it's the work of God, or your palm reader. Maybe they were working together. My point is what if I was sent back here at the exact moment in time to change fate?" I frown. "What?" "Think about it Lola, what are the chances that you wished on the damned cupcake at the exact same moment I was bargaining with God for a second chance ten years in the future?" He makes an exaggerated motion with his hands. "Seriously, the odds have to be one in millions. One in billions maybe." "You think it was so you could change fate?" Jackson smiles, the first real smile I've seen in days. "I think that's exactly what it is." "Messing with fate, Jax. That sounds about as good an idea as using a Ouija board." "It's not messing with it, if it's given to you. Don't you see? We are so unparalleled together, the world probably couldn't stand to tear us apart. So boom. You make a wish. I say a prayer and everything comes together." I can't help but smile back at him. His optimism is pretty hard to ignore. "Okay," I allow. "So now what?" "Now, I want to see if I'm right. Where is this crazy ass palm reading chick at?" "Zena?" "Zena, Zoe, Zippy. I don't care what her name is." He walks over and drops a kiss on my forehead. "Where can I find her?" Now that he's close, I reach into his pocket, grab his phone and enter Zena's address into the notes app. "I think you're wasting your time. She freaked me out yesterday." "Nothing about us is a waste of time," he says. "Meet me for lunch. We'll celebrate." "Wow. You're confident she's going to tell you exactly what you want to hear, huh?" "I am," he says without hesitation. Fine. I'll humor him. The smallest part of me hopes he's right. Maybe we do have the power to change the outcome. "Where do you want to meet for lunch?" "How about that Irish Pub on fifth?" "Murphy's?" Jax is already backing away from me, headed to the door. "That's the one." "Okay. Noon?" "On the dot." He leaves, but the door opens again quickly and he walks to where I'm still standing, still trying to entertain his theory, and grabs my face in his hand. He kisses me. "See you later." I nod. "Okay." "I love you." "I love you, back." I say. "More than you'll ever know." "Not true," he says. "I know. Every single day, I know." I smile. "Bye Jackson Sunday." "Au revior, my Angel. Until noon." He leaves a second time and when the door clicks shut, I fall onto the bed and stare up at the ceiling. I don't believe in asking God for anything, but rather thanking him for what I have. So I do. I thank him for every single second with Jackson. I thank him for Xavier's strange cupcake. For Xavier and Tori and even Madeline. At the end of my prayer, because it certainly cannot hurt, I throw in, "and if you could make this work. Make us work. Ten, twenty, fifty years from now, I promise I'll be grateful." I stay that way for a good hour before I get up and dress. I blow-dry my hair and head to Madeline's apartment building. It takes only one knock before her door opens. Madeline smiles, and steps back with her arm slung across the door for me to step inside. "So," she says, "dish. What happened? Did Jackson give you any answers? Do you feel better? Did you talk to Xavier? Did you decide who you're meant to be with?" I blink. "Did Madeline take an upper this morning? Or maybe ten?" Color rushes to her cheeks at my question. "Sorry," she says. "I got a bit carried away. Tea?" I look at my phone and shake my head. "I don't have long. I just came to fill you in." She moves to the living room and sits down. "Okay ready." "So after you dropped me off at the dorm, I questioned Jax." "And?" "And at first he didn't want to tell me anything but I got angry and demanded to know. The night when I made my wish, in the future, we were in a car wreck." Madeline's mouth drops into an 'o' for a split second before her hand darts to cover it in attempt to hide her surprise. Her eyes are round and wide though, so her efforts are pointless. She says nothing. "Jackson says I died. Or-at least I was dying. The doctors were trying to start my heart again." "Ohmigod," she says, "What?" "Yeah. Jackson swears he closed his eyes and started to pray for a second chance and when he opened them, boom, he was in my dorm and in the past." Madeline's hand drops from her mouth. "But you're dead? You're dying?" She reaches out and grabs the top of my arm. "Oh my God, Lola. The way in which he came is the way in which you leave." "I know. At least it makes sense now. I mean technically, I suppose if my heart stopped I'm dead but he disappeared before he knew the outcome and now he's gone to Zena's demanding to know if he can change the future." She covers her heart with her hand. "That is so tragically freakin' romantic while terrifying all at the same time." I nod. "So what happens now?" "I don't know. He thinks we can change the future. Maybe we can." "Oh," she says, "I hope so. Lola! How are you so put together?" I shrug. "Everyone dies." This is almost a textbook case of a person who is shocked. Numb to feeling. I should be sad, devastated, shattered that I'm going to die before my time is up yet somehow I've accepted it already. None of it makes any sense. "But not when you're 31! Surely Jax is right. I mean everything happens for a reason. He's here for a reason. To save you." Her hand flutters to her chest and she sighs. "Ugh, it so romantic." "There isn't anything romantic about death." "Not dying, silly. I mean Jax, coming back here like a knight in shining armour destined to change the future." "Maybe not. Maybe so. There aren't any guarantees. At least I get ten years with him. I'd rather spend ten years with Jax than fifty with someone else." Madeline considers what I've said for a moment. "I guess that's your other answer too, about Xavier." "Yeah," I say, "I guess it is." She clasps her hands together. "Oh Lola, I do hope you figure things out." "That makes two of us." I look at my phone. 11:15. "I should go. I have to meet Jackson soon." "Text me," she says. "Fill me in on what he's found out." "I will," I say. "Promise. Madeline?" "Yeah?" "Thanks again. For everything." "Welcome," she says. "Maybe once we're done praying for you, we can start hoping that some perfect guy will fall at my feet." "You'll find a great guy," I say, standing. "I have no doubt." She smiles sweetly. "Good luck, Lola." I make my way down the stairs, my eyes glued to my shoes when my feet stop moving. They settle on the familiar pair of Vans affixed to Xavier's oversized feet. I look up with caution. He's walking up the same stairs I am headed down. He sounds surprised to see me. "Mouse?" "Xavier." "What are you doing here?" "I was talking to Madeline," I say. I sense he's disappointed, maybe hoping I'd say I was here to see him. We both know it would be a lie. Doesn't matter how hard we try, the wedge between us colossal. I'd feel more sorry for him, but he is the one who put it there. He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks at his feet. "Oh." I turn my body to avoid physical contact with his and try to squeeze past him. "Mouse?" "I'm late Xavier. I have to go." "Don't you think we should talk about this?" "Honestly? No. I think we should forget it ever happened and move on. You shouldn't have said those things Xavier. You know it as well as I do. I gotta go." He rolls his eyes and sidesteps to let me by. "Lola, c'mon. This isn't you." "You don't know me as well as you think you do then, X. This is me." "It's not. Lola. It's not you. You'd never tell me to go to hell. Quit pretending like you don't give a shit." "I don't." It's a lie. If it were the truth, I wouldn't be half as angry as I am right now. "You do. Lola…" "What?" My voice comes out irritated. Clipped. "Don't go to him." "Xavier, you've lost your damned mind."