Adventures (chapter 22)

The memorial had been short and sweet, I got to meet Asher's sister Ashlynn and her two brother Jack and Ryan. We all shared our grief through hugs and tears. There was a little bonding time tied into the end of the ceremony.

Ashlynn's daughter looked so much like Asher it took almost everything for me not to walk away from the group, it hurt too much to even look at her.

Raymond and I saw little of each other as the days passed, he was by the makeshift bar drinking some mixed-up alcohol, he was taking shot for shot like a pro, but I knew we just had different ways of absorbing and arranging our feelings.

I grazed Asher's headstone with my fingertips instantly disliking the coolness, I wondered if Asher was cold and needed a blanket, I drove myself mad with scenarios, maybe she wasn't dead and was trying to claw her way up to the surface, back into our arms.

Our? If there was even an us, I think the second would be standing beside me not trying to run as far away as possible as he could from my presence; it was like he couldn't stand to see me, that did not just hurt, it fucking did!

"I thought if I made the headstone ash in color she would at least love it a bit" Raymond chuckled beside me but I was too keyed up to smile back, I slowly extricated myself from his side wanting the alcohol he had been drinking all of a sudden.

"No Katya! Wait, I beg you please wait"

"Wait for what reason, do you want to talk now, has my imaginary leprosy lifted"

"Katya please I just want to talk"

"I don’t want to—"

"I BLAMED YOU" he yelled. the music had stopped, and I was a 100% certain, the music we were playing was more interesting, the shock on my face added some drama effect.

"Why?" I croaked out "Because we were happy, because if you didn't waltz in at the last minute when you needed a savior AGAIN! We might have still been happy on our own, you did better in your room when you cried and we had to comfort you not over my girlfriend’s body." if it hurt before, I think John Cena and The Rock just made me their punching bag.

"She wasn't mine but you know I cared, if you're going to put the whole deal of her death on my shoulders then do so Raymond, if it would help you sleep better at night please do so" I watched the man I love or loved crumble before my eyes but I wasn't done "She taught me patience and you love, you're right I can handle it so I'll cry in my room for this pain to go away, I'd shed tears for this eternal guilt since it has been added to my list of sins.

"I thought I was never enough, I thought I could never be enough for anyone, but she showed me I had to be enough for myself, I might have zapped out the remaining life force she had left but I'm happy that life force will keep my dead one going. For that I have no regrets"

"I'm sorry" Raymond whispered over and over sobbing on his knees but I knew I had outstayed my welcome, it was time for me to walk away.

"I love you, big man; I'm not mad at you, oh! How could I be? You've been everything to me, you've been more than enough for me. A friend, a mentor, human." I wiped the tears I could catch off his face. "I'll always love you for being human to me but I'm not sure I can be here anymore, I've found who I am, I hope you find that too. That, would be the greatest gift we can give her"

I gathered my things making a hasty exit from the event, the rest of them comforted Raymond while I got sympathetic glances, it just didn’t matter anymore.

She was gone and pretenses or anger wouldn't bring her back.

If they did Michael Jackson wouldn't be six feet under.

**

"All passengers boarding the flight for Istanbul please proceed for boarding" I sat staring at the planes running in and out, people rushing to board their flights and others cursing when they had missed theirs.

This really sweet couple was all loved up next to me; the diamond ring on the woman’s finger almost blinded me, sitting several feet away from me was a woman who I guess is a single mother, she looks tired but still holds up a smile when the children look her way. She looked miserably happy.

There was a priest dozing off some feet away, I wondered if he would miss his flight, two gorgeous women strolled around. They looked like best friends, but I recognized that look in their eyes.

The world was a beautiful place with so much pain, sadness, love, and hope; it was the perfect place to fail or succeed, fall or grow, lose or win, have faith or let it go.

This place was designed with so many choices we were just afraid to choose, I thought sitting in the park showed me the wonders of life but looking at it through everyone’s eyes I knew it wasn't the best place for some people, so they needed to leave.

It wasn't the worst either but not everyone had the heart to stay, I always heard of the worlds beyond, Heaven and Hell. Fuck it was scary, just thinking about burning for eternity but a lot of us have prepared ourselves for that, it's funny when we say 'How hard can it be'

You and me both brother, I muse silently to myself.

God loves us all, but he also gives us a choice, Most of those choices make you fall out of his good graces; that doesn't mean we don't continue to make them. We moved so far out that we take snippets out of the bible that covers up what you do, you drag Deuteronomy and Matthew but hate Revelations and James.

Making it to that special place seems almost impossible with the thick smoke of hypocrisy covering the world, but I'm not God and I shouldn't judge just like you also are not God so leave the judging to him.

The flight ticket I bought some nights back laid heavily in my pocket. I was going to Paris. Not my first choice really, I was thinking Las Vegas but I didn't want to go broke before my foot touched the land of gold.

I was sure the ones I loved had found their adventures, I have found mine, but my story wasn't over.

It was just beginning.