Chapter 145 Shocked
Chapter 145 Shocked
Yet during his first two days in Australia, Gaara did nothing at all. He spent his time sitting on the porch, waiting for the sun to set, accompanied by cans of beer scattered beneath his feet and an overflowing ashtray after smoking more cigarettes than he could count, exhaling long, weary breaths.
Who was he fooling. Himself. He was not okay. His heart was shattered.
Being in the house that held his mother’s memories made him understand what had destroyed her body and mind until death claimed her. Now he understood that love was something dangerous, something capable of ruin.
But when Gaara thought about it again, he realized that a heart could not be broken without first knowing love. If one reached the point of knowing their heart was shattered, then at the very least, they had truly loved.
Gaara had truly fallen in love with Esther.
On the third day, Gaara finally gathered the courage to visit his mother’s grave.
He knew that to this day, his father continued to spend a great deal of money maintaining her resting place. His father probably believed Gaara had no idea where the grave was, and never bothered to tell him. But Gaara had his own ways of finding the truth. Through careful observation, he learned that his mother’s grave had been hidden away.
By asking the right people, Gaara eventually discovered the chapel built by Jorge Maxwell, tucked away behind the grand building where his parents had once exchanged their wedding vows.
Visiting his mother’s grave stirred a storm of emotions.
Anger, of course. Gaara had always carried anger toward his father, because of him his mother had lost her sanity and chosen to leave the world when Gaara still needed her. But deep down, he was also angry at his mother for making such a foolish decision, for leaving him alone, for ignoring Gaara’s love for her.
And yet, being there brought him peace, as if he were reunited with his mother, sleeping quietly beneath the earth. Gaara missed his mother terribly.
“You would probably be disappointed in me if you saw me now, Mom. This is my first time visiting you. I really was an unfilial son. But I think you would be happy to know that I am no longer angry at you. I understand now, Mom. I understand what drove you to make such a reckless choice.”
Humans were selfish creatures. His mother was. Gaara himself was. They wanted their love to be returned, yet they could not bear the truth when it was not.
“I understand everything now, Mom.”
This was their fate. For the first time in weeks, Gaara felt calm.
The next day, Gaara found a small spark of motivation to live. He decided to take his father’s Jeep Wrangler out into the desert. The first time, he found nothing. He returned home coated in dust.
The second time, having learned from his mistake, he wrapped a scarf around half his face. This time, he encountered a wild camel. For a moment, he was tempted to capture it, even to keep it. But he knew his lack of knowledge might only cause the poor animal suffering.
On the third attempt, Gaara found the place. An oasis. Hidden in the heart of the Australian desert. The perfect place to disappear forever.
The fact that they had once been hidden by Jorge from those who wished them harm meant that Uncle Yoshi had stored several firearms in an underground cellar for self defense. When Gaara checked the place, the weapons were still there.
After that, a new idea crossed his mind. An idea to meet his mother. An idea so tempting it scared him. He thought it through carefully, from every angle. What was the worst that could happen if he died.
He named, one by one, the people he thought he had bonds with. Then he realized the truth. He had no one who truly loved him. People were drawn to his looks, his money, his fame. It was pathetic to realize that no one genuinely cared.
Grace. Esther. All the same.
Gaara felt there would be nothing to regret about leaving this world. A world full of hatred. A world of injustice. A ridiculous world filled with jokes that were not funny at all.
Until his thoughts returned to Esther.
Would she cry for him. Gaara did not know, and he did not want to know.
His mind drifted back to the time when he and Esther suddenly grew close. Skipping class together, sitting side by side in the park, Gaara opening up about his past. He remembered her innocent expression when he told her he was part of the mafia.
This was what terrified him the most. Not knowing. He did not know whether his memories of Esther were real, or if they were nothing more than a cruel performance she had played so convincingly.
“Why are you so blind?” her voice echoed in his head. What was it that he had failed to see. He felt he had seen enough. His mother’s death. His father’s betrayal. His first love turning into a farce. Even Esther’s lies. All of it disgusted him.
“I love you, Gaara.”
This time, his eyes flew open.
Gaara suddenly stood up, grabbed the pistol in front of him, and hurled it far away. No matter how desperate he was, he could not become like his mother.
She did not want him to be the same kind of person she had been. How could he demand love from others when he did not even love himself.
“To hell with everything. Why did you lie to me, Esther. Why. You know I would have given you everything. Everything. So why did you stab me like this.”
Alright, maybe he looked insane now. But every word that left his mouth made him feel lighter.
“Damn you, Vinson. Damn you and your meaningless revenge. Why did you drag other people into your mess. Bastard.”
Gaara was gasping for air before he dropped to his knees.
“Damn you, Mom. Why did you choose to leave me alone. Was my love not enough for you. Did you really choose death over staying with me. Why did you not choose me. You know I loved you more than anything and would have done anything for you.”
Gaara drew a deep breath.
And for the first time in a very long while, he finally cried.