The sweet chants of the early morning birds summons my senses from my delightful sleep, making me growl as I turn around, actually, chancing to turn around, but in terrific vain. I am buckled up to the warm and possessively dominant arms of Jerol behind me, our raw flesh against the other. He is virtually stifling me with his tight grip and I can't tell whether he knows.
I close my eyes, the waves of the glorious recalls of last night cruising through my mind, reminding me of that moment of raw confectionary madness and pleasure. Magical. Bliss - it was pure bliss. Sweet euphoria!
I shut my eyes tighter, bitterly acquiting a tight-lipped chuckle.
If any moment has ever been beautiful in my pathetic miserable life up until now, it was last night. It was the only time the phrases "happiness" and "pleasure" had meaning in my life, and they came in handy. Double potion! Double blessings! Double joy! The night was so phenomenal that I can recall every single detail of it without straining a nerve. It was magical, and ooh, so holy. It's a night to remember. Memories for keeps.
But...
Yes, that 'but' is eating me up. What happens next? What are we now? A real couple? I would give the world for that to be true. But his Ellie...
Ellie! Ellie! Ellie!
A kiss on my neck erupts a nerval seizure in my fragile body. Yes, weak, from last night's sweet madness. How long did we make love? It didn't go until morning as he had joked about, but it took hours. Long-sweet hours that now feel like seconds.
"Good morning, beautiful!" Jerol's sweet-bulky voice rings in my ears like a sweet arousal call, conjuring my senses, and arousing my sensitive hairs.
That's how terrific the effect he has on me has become, and I think it grew more vital last night. How couldn't it? We relinquished to each other as if it was the most right thing in the world. It felt like love - like we made love, like we poured our all into that moment. Including our souls. Or maybe we really did...
"Tell me you don't languish over anything, my love." I didn't realize he was peering at me from behind, stretching his neck through mine to attain a raw scan of my face.
My love!? Underline that, but leave it at that for now.
I rotate around in his arms, and he permits me. We stare at each other, and I get the elate to savor the look in his beautiful sparkling eyes. The look in his eyes depicts that he is wishing against everything that I do not regret whatever that happened.
Why would I, right? Why would I regret having had such euphoria? I kissed cloud nine for the first time. Thanks to him, I know how it feels to make love. I was at the moon. I still am. Besides, I had vouched not to regret anything after. I feel no guilt. No remorse. Nothing but pure bliss. But this sharp stinging feeling called Ellie is like a thorn in my sporadic bed of roses. It won't just let me be even for a second.
"Do you still love her?" I mumble, my eyes meeting his, searching for the truth in them.
Silence!
He doesn't say anything for far so long for my apprehensively restless soul. I know. His silence says it all. It was so stupid of me to ask. I...
"No!" His voice echoes, halting my mind from drawing my own assumptions.
That wasn't a vague hum that my ears would fail to catch especially given how close we are, but the authenticity of it is what I doubt, rendering me mute.
No? He doesn't love her anymore? The woman who drove him insane? Really?
I should perhaps be leaping with joy like my heart is coercing me to do, but I still find it difficult to believe the word I heard. How?
I conjure my voice, and bolster my gaze on his.
"Whatever you feel for Ella won't change how I feel about last night, Jerol. So, please be honest." I lie, because the truth is, I am wishing and hoping with all the bits that I am made of that he truly did let go of her finally. "Besides," I add when he showed no sign of speaking, "I promised that we won't ever talk about last night ever. I meant that, and no, I am not regretting anything. So, talk to me. You still...want her back?"
He browses through my eyes one after another, and I let him find whatever he is searching for. Finally, finally, after ages of pure stare, his lips curve up, discharging the most sweetest words that strokes through my heart.
"No. I'm done, honestly. I would be a fool to let a pure gold slip out of my hand while chasing silver."
Hello? We are on another planet called cloud nine, right? Or maybe in heaven. This is so...
My gosh, oh, my God!
He is finally free?!
But wait. Gold, silver...what was that?
I mean, even if he has finally decided to let that Ellallai ghost go, it doesn't guarantee that we have a chance, right? I mean, come on! Me? Gold? Am I even assuming things right or am just carried away?
"Tessa?" He beats me to speaking first, summoning my full attention. "Ella isn't in my heart anymore. I swear she isn't." He says, nuzzling my cheeks, the sincerity in his tone making me tremble with wild hopes.
Wild, yeah! Wild! I don't want to call it foolishness.
"I'm... I am happy for you. I'm sure you will find someone..." I almost choke on the nothingness I was battling to push down my dry throat.
"Are you okay?" He quizzes, rubbing my back, and snuggling me closer to him.
He must have sensed my turmoil.
"Yeah. I'm okay if you are okay." I whisper.
"What were you saying again?" He asks after giving me a slight smile.
What was I saying again?
I can't say it. The huge chunk of air has moulded on my throat again. I feel like I'm about to choke again. I feel like I will start tearing up the moment I decide to complete that sentence. It's too early for the melodramas. He doesn't need this. None of us does.
"Tessa? Speak up! Talk to me." He pleads, and I shake my head, taking a long blink before peeling my eyes past his ear to avert his gaze.
"It's nothing, Jerol. Forget it." I say.
"Your nothing means the world to me. Tell me what is eating you up, my love. You are avoiding my eyes, and that alone means you ain't okay. Please, please? Talk to me, please?"
When he pleads like this..., I lose all my guards. Instead of my mouth talking, my eyes do him the honors. Drops of tears start dropping one after another. I can't control them. I can no longer control this.
This longing.
I said it - we have dived in so deep into this. I have sunk to the rock bottom of these emotions.
"Tessa!" He whimpers, scooping me up carefully and encompassing me in his lovely arms like a baby, feeding me his warmth as he soothes me. "I'm here, Tessa! Calm down. Hush now, baby!"
He is here? For how long?
Can he bless my heart with what it is howling for? Can he even understand what I am feeling right now?