Unsure

Unsure
Mike's POV

At Mike's House

I didn’t talk much on the drive home. Amanda spoke once or twice but I just nodded. My mind was still at the hospital. I kept seeing that woman from behind. The same height. The same hair. The way she walked. Slow, calm, like she was not in a hurry to impress anyone. That was Diane. It had to be her.

When we got home, I walked upstairs without waiting for Amanda. I didn’t even help her with her bag. I said nothing. I just went straight to our room and shut the door behind me. I walked to the window and pulled the curtains slightly. The street was quiet. Birds were making some noise outside. It should have been a peaceful moment but my head was not peaceful. Not at all.

I kept thinking about why she had not reached out to me. It had been a long while since the divorce. She just signed and walked away. She didn’t call me. She didn’t send a message. She didn’t try to plead her way back into my life again like she did on the day we finalised our divorce. Nothing. Just silence.

Diane was not like that. Diane never let things go. Diane was obsessed with me. I could say that with my full chest. She loved me too much. She loved me to the point that it made me uncomfortable sometimes. When we were still together she always wanted to be around me. She always wanted to talk about us, our future, our home, our kids.

Kids. I scratched my head at that thought.

Kids that she never gave me. Kids she could not give me. What was I supposed to do? Stay childless because of her? Wait and waste while other men start families? I am a man. A man must have a legacy. A man must have a child to carry on his name. Amanda came at the right time. Pretty. Young. Strong body. She was the faster way to get what I needed from life.

I sat on the edge of the bed and leaned forward, elbows on my knees.

But Diane loved me. She would never leave me. Even if she pretended to hate me sometimes, she always came back. Always. Love like that does not die so quickly. She was probably waiting for me to call her first. Maybe she was trying to act strong. Trying to act like she had moved on. Women liked to act like that. Hard to get and strong headed.

But that look at the hospital. That woman had a man beside her. That part kept playing in my head like a broken record. A man. Walking next to her. Why should she have a man already? She didn’t even try to win me back. It felt wrong. It felt like she had planned to leave me for him all along.

My chest felt tight. I stood up and began to pace the room slowly.

Why had she not reached out? Why had she not begged me to stay? A woman like Diane should not heal so fast. She should be crying somewhere, thinking about me, wishing she had me back. That was how she always acted. She could not stay away from me.

My phone was on the table but I refused to pick it up. I was not going to call her. No. She should be the one crawling back. She was the one that lost me. She lost her place beside me. She lost her chance to give me children.

I sighed and rubbed my palms together.

A memory pushed itself into my head. 



We had been married for only six months that time. I had come back late from work. Amanda had not entered the picture yet. It was just me and Diane then. I remembered opening the door and hearing soft crying. I thought someone had died. I walked into the living room and saw Diane sitting on the floor, holding my dirty work shirt to her face.

She was hugging it like a child hugging a teddy bear. She looked up at me with wet eyes, red nose, messy hair.

“Mike, where were you?” she asked in a weak voice.

I frowned. “Work. I told you.”

“You came late. I thought something happened to you.” She sniffed and then hugged the shirt tighter. “I missed you too much. It scared me.”

I remember looking at her and feeling two things at once. One part of me liked the attention. It felt good that someone cared that much. But another part of me felt like she was too much. Too clingy. Too emotional.

Then she stood and ran to me, hugging me so tight like she wanted to disappear inside my chest. “I love you too much, Mike. I do not know how to stop. Please do not leave me. If anything happens to you, I will follow you.”

Her voice had shaken when she said it.

Follow me? At that moment I laughed a little because I thought she was joking. Later that night she tried to cook something for us but she made the kitchen a mess. I was angry but she kept smiling like everything was perfect. She kept saying how blessed she was to have me.

Later, she laid her head on my lap and slept like a child. I remember thinking she was too attached. Love was good, but hers was heavy. She held me like I was her whole life and I didn’t want to be somebody’s whole life. I wanted freedom. I wanted options.

Now thinking about it made me feel strange. Back then I didn’t care because I thought she would always be there. She loved me too much to leave. So I could afford to look elsewhere. I could afford to try someone younger. Someone soft. Someone like Amanda.

And Amanda wanted me the way a woman should. Silent. Gentle. Willing to do anything I asked. She didn’t cry and cling like Diane. She didn’t question me every time I stepped out. She didn’t ask for attention like she was starving for it.

Diane was beautiful but she was also demanding. She always wanted more love, more time, more talk. She wanted a child so badly yet nature didn’t answer her. She begged God for a child like she begged me for love. Too much emotion. Too much drama.

I remembered one fight clearly.

“You do not touch me anymore,” Diane had said. “I want a baby. I want a family with you.”

I had rolled my eyes. “Maybe God is trying to tell us something.”

She cried that day too. But she still held me in her arms that night. She still kissed me.

Always there. Always wanting. Always begging.