His secrets
His secrets
I caressed Brynne's photograph in its frame on my desk. The one I'd taken of her with my mobile when she showed me Lady Percival for the first time at the Rothvale. She looked so happy and beautiful. Last night she wasn't happy. No, I'd scared her and then made things worse by sending her away when she tried to reach out to me.
... God in heaven, I fucked up with her. I tried to imagine switching places. What if it had been she who had sent me away after a nightmare and refused my comfort? I've been on the receiving end of that before, and it sucked. It had felt awful, just like I'd made her feel.
Still, I had been afraid last night of what I might do to her if she touched me any more than she did. The other times I woke up from one of those night- mares? Yeah ... not nice. I'd gone off on fucking tangents literally. Using sex, and Brynne, to level me out to a place where I could come back down from that horrible place I'd found myself in my dreams. She didn't understand how much I was walking the razor's edge in those moments. I didn't trust myself with her. What if I hurt her or went too far with the sex? She was pregnant and vulnerable now. I just couldn't take the risk of what I might do.
It had been the hardest thing to send her back inside last night when she wanted to stay with me and listen to my story. She'd tried to hold me, but I'd kept her back. I hadn't even looked at her face, because if I'd done it I would have caved. I had no willpower when it came to Brynne.
To keep myself from taking her after I came back inside. I'd slept the remain- der of the night on the couch. I didn't trust myself to get back into bed with her. All it would take was her scent up my nose and the sound of her breathing next to me, and I would've been on her and buried deep, trying to get lost inside her. Brynne was my heaven. I'd seek out my heaven endlessly. I knew myself well.
She was right, though. About so many things, but about last night's fuckup she was completely right. I needed some help. There were places I could go for it. Lots of soldiers came home from the war with issues and baggage. I was just another in a long fucking line of others before me. I got that I didn't want to face the demons, but I knew I needed to. More important priorities were in the canvas that was my life. I had Brynne now. We had a child on the way. Neither needed me having psycho dreams and terrorizing their peaceful nights.
I had to ask myself why. Why was I suddenly back to that time so vividly in my subconscious? Could Brynne's situation be triggering the long-shelved memories of my time as prisoner and bringing them back to life? Fucking hell... It was a painful thought, but probably spot-on accurate.
I'd make it up to her tonight. Flowers, dinner, romance complete honesty about the hell I'd been in and how I'd made it out. She deserved to know every- thing, and was strong enough to handle it. The bonus was having her support on some of the emotional burden. This was one of the aspects of a deep rela- tionship. She shared her stuff with me. Why wasn't I doing the same? Because you are a thoughtless arsehole a lot of the time and you need to work on that.
Brynne hated when I shielded her from things. I'd learned first hand that she was incredibly strong, with the will to fight ingrained deeply inside her. She was no coward, and wouldn't go down without giving it her all. My girl faced her fears head on. I should take her example and do the same. I accepted the time had come for me to seek out some professional help and to trust someone else with the burden of my demons. Brynne would be there to help me through it, and I couldn't be in better hands than hers.
Brynne would also serve my ass to me on a silver platter, and I should be prepared for that when I got home. She would never let this issue go, regardless. I had to grin at the thought of her reaction to me tonight. She'd looked gorgeous as usual with her eyes blazing, hands on her hips, battle-ready and full of fire. I looked forward to seeing the change in her when I came in bearing gifts and humbled, ready to finally share with her the darkest demons inhabiting the unmentionable places in my soul. And how she might reward me for all that, afterward...
I had some phone calls to make and plans to be put into motion. Life was speeding by at a reckless clip and there was no time for sitting around woolgath- ering over regrets that couldn't be remedied. I sent Brynne a text first: I love u.
Sorry 4 last nite. xx I'm going 2 fix things ok? I dialed my sister in Somerset and waited for the call to connect
"Brother, you have impeccable timing. I just had a visit from Mr. Simms, and he's got some papers for you that need signatures."
"That is very welcome news then. Let me have Frances get you an overnight slip and we'll do it that way."
"Sure. I do think it's the most marvelous idea, E." I grinned in my seat. "I do too. After having a look, do you think it's possible in such a short time?" "Well, it'll be close, but I think it can be done not everything, mind you, but for your purposes, yes." "Good. I mean, I trust you implicitly, Han. Just do your best."
"When can you come here? At some point you need to see it with your own eyes." "Right. I won't be able to manage anything until the closing ceremonies, but the moment that's all behind me I'll slip in a quick trip... somehow,"
BRYNNE'S POV.
I kissed Benny on the cheek and hugged him tight. Then I went right back to looking at the image proofs on the screen. "Oh my God. I love them all, Ben. I can't choose."
He laughed softly. "He'll think they're beautiful. Bree. They are. They're breathtaking."
"Thank you so much for doing this for me on the spur of the moment. The idea just came to me after....something that happened... and I wanted to do these pictures for Ethan. Nobody will ever see them but us." I touched his cheek. "Thank you for making that possible, my dear, amazing friend."
Ben smiled down at me with such kindness-I could tell he was touched I had asked him to take special pictures of me. Very special pictures indeed. Just me and my wedding veil. And only ever for Ethan's eyes to see.
Ethan...yeah. We had yet to talk about last night. He'd never come back to bed and when I woke up this morning he was already gone from the flat. That bullshit wasn't going to fly with me tonight, though. I would be sitting him down when he arrived home and he would talk to me or else.
Or else what? I didn't have all the answers, but I'd think of something. He was in bad shape emotionally with those nightmares and I had absolutely no intention of allowing him to continue suffering without some professional help to deal with them. And the part he had shared with me last night just shredded my heart into pieces. His torturers were going to behead him and taunted him with the fact. I couldn't imagine how he had endured it all and wasn't stark raving mad. It made me want to wrap my arms around him and shower him in my love. Ethan was going to get it from me whether he wanted it or not, I vowed.