Chapter 44 044
RYAN
I woke up to Emily hugging me so tightly that her breath warmed the side of my neck.
For a few seconds, I did not open my eyes. I stayed perfectly still, like if I moved even a fraction, the moment would dissolve.
Her leg was hooked over my thigh, anchoring me in place. Her hair, soft and familiar, tickled my jaw, and her body fit against mine in that way my body had never forgotten, even after three years of learning how to sleep alone.
It felt unreal.
Not dreamlike in the hazy sense, but unreal in the way something precious feels when you are convinced it cannot possibly be yours. Like finding something you lost and already mourned, only to realize it is still warm in your hands.
I breathed slowly, carefully, afraid that even breathing too loudly might wake her. Afraid she would pull away the second she realized where she was and who she was holding.
God, I wanted to pull her closer.
I wanted to roll us so she was underneath me, wanted to kiss her awake and watch her eyes soften the way they used to when she smiled at me first thing in the morning. I wanted to remind her of how easy this once was. How right it still felt. How good we could be if I stopped fighting it.
But I did not.
I stayed still. I let her set the pace. I let her decide what this morning meant. I had already lost her once. I was not eager to do it again.
She shifted first.
It was small, barely anything. A quiet, sleepy sound slipped from her throat, the kind that only happens when someone is still half lost in dreams. Her hips rocked once, instinctive and unthinking, and my body reacted instantly. Heat rushed through me, sharp and unwelcome and impossible to ignore.
The contact was light. Accidental.
She mumbled something incoherent, words tangled and soft, and nuzzled closer like she was searching for comfort even in sleep. Then she rocked again, slower this time, still unaware.
I bit the inside of my cheek hard enough to ground myself. I stared at the wall, counting breaths, reminding myself that this was not about me right now.
Then she froze.
Her body went stiff against mine. I felt it before I saw it. A sharp intake of breath. A sudden awareness settling in.
Her eyes flew open.
She jerked back so fast she nearly tumbled off the bed. “Shit, shit, I’m so sorry.”
I caught her elbow on instinct before she could fall. “It’s fine, Em.” My voice came out rougher than I meant it to.
She stared at me, eyes wide, cheeks flushed. Embarrassment flickered across her face, followed quickly by something harder. Defensive. Guarded.
She pulled her arm back like touching me burned. “We both know last night was a mistake, Ry. We were both in the moment.”
“Oh.” The word slipped out before I could stop it.
It was quiet. Too quiet. Inside my head, something splintered. Shit, that hurts.
She scrambled off the bed, grabbing clothes from the chair like they were lifelines. Like if she did not get dressed fast enough, she might fall back into something she was afraid of. “I need to get dressed.”
I sat up slowly, rubbing a hand over my face, trying to keep my expression neutral. “Okay.”
She disappeared into the bathroom. The door clicked shut. A second later, the shower came on.
I leaned back and stared at the ceiling, my chest tight in a way that had nothing to do with arousal and everything to do with disappointment.
Last night replayed in my mind whether I wanted it to or not. The way she had kissed me. The way she had clung to me after. The way she had fallen asleep with her forehead tucked under my chin like it belonged there.
And now it was a mistake.
Of course it was.
I dragged a hand down my face and exhaled slowly. I told myself not to take it personally. I told myself she was scared.
Still, it stung.
A soft knock interrupted my thoughts.
“Mummy?” Zara’s voice floated through the door, small and sleepy. “Mummy, Daddy didn’t sleep over?”
Emily’s muffled curse came through the bathroom door. “Shit, shit, shit.”
I smiled despite myself.
A moment later, the bathroom door opened and Emily stepped out, hair damp, cheeks flushed, leggings pulled on hastily, an oversized sweater hanging off one shoulder. She shot me a glare that carried more panic than anger. “Dress faster.”
I grabbed my jeans and pulled them on, tugged my shirt straight. “Done.”
She cracked the bedroom door open just enough to block the view of me. “Morning, sweet girl.”
Zara stood there rubbing her eyes, hair sticking up in every direction. She looked past Emily, suspicion dawning on her face. “He left, Mummy. Daddy left me.”
Emily crouched immediately, smoothing Zara’s hair. “Shhh, baby. Your daddy just went to the toilet, okay? He slept over in your room. Come on, let’s go make breakfast for Daddy.”
Zara sniffled. “Really?”
“Really.”
That was all it took. She grabbed Emily’s hand and let herself be led down the hallway, already chattering about pancakes.
I waited a few minutes, long enough for them to reach the kitchen, then slipped out quietly. The house felt different in the daylight. Less secret. Less forgiving.
When I stepped into the kitchen, Zara saw me first.
“Daddy!” she squealed, running straight into my legs. “You slept over!”
I scooped her up and kissed her forehead. “I did, princess.”
She wrapped her arms around my neck. “I love Daddy so much. And I love my birthday.”
I laughed softly. “I love you more.”
Emily stood at the stove, stirring eggs. She glanced over her shoulder, eyes flicking between Zara and me. “Don’t you love Mummy too?”
Zara grinned. “I love Mummy too!”
I turned Zara so she was facing me. “Hey, sweetheart. Daddy has to leave soon.”
Her lip wobbled instantly.
Emily’s spoon paused mid-stir. She looked at me, questioning and something else. Hurt, maybe.
“I have an important meeting,” I said. The lie came easily. Too easily. “I’m needed there.”
“Nooo,” Zara whined, eyes filling with tears.
I bounced her gently. “I’ll pick you up later, okay? We’ll do something fun. Just you and me.”
She sniffled. “Promise?”
“Promise.”
That did it. She hugged me again, satisfied, and wriggled down to run back to the table with her crayons.
Emily watched me the whole time. When Zara was distracted, she stepped closer, lowering her voice. “I hope the meeting goes well.”
I knew she did not believe me.
I nodded anyway. “Thanks.”
I did not trust myself to say anything else.
I walked out the door before the silence could stretch any further. Before I could ask questions I was not ready to hear the answers to. Before I could tell her that last night did not feel like a mistake to me at all.
The truth was, I was not needed anywhere.
I just needed space. From Emily. From the way she could make me feel like everything was possible one moment and completely unreachable the next.
Especially after watching her turn something that felt real into something she could dismiss with a single sentence.