Chapter 11 0011
CAITLYN'S POV
Three weeks had passed since my wedding and every single day felt like torture. I had a calendar hidden in my closet where I marked off each day with a red pen. Twenty one red marks so far and I needed to get to at least forty before I could safely tell Collin about the pregnancy.
I sat on the bathroom floor staring at that calendar and doing math in my head for the hundredth time. If I said I was pregnant at six weeks then people would think I got pregnant right after the wedding. That would be believable, that would work.
But that meant I had to keep doing what I had been doing for almost three more weeks and the thought made me want to scream. Every night I went to Collin's room and pretended to want him. Every night I let him touch me and kiss me and do things that made my skin crawl and every morning I woke up hating myself a little bit more.
The nausea was getting worse too. At first, I thought it was just stress from everything that happened, but now I know it was morning sickness. I had to be so careful to hide it from everyone especially Collin. If he found out I was pregnant before enough time had passed he would know something was wrong.
I heard footsteps outside the bathroom and quickly shoved the calendar back into its hiding spot behind the towels. I stood up and splashed cold water on my face just as someone knocked on the door.
"Caitlyn?" It was Mrs Chen. "Your mother is here to see you."
My stomach dropped. I was not ready to see my mother right now but I could not avoid her forever. "I will be right down," I called out and tried to make my voice sound normal.
I looked at myself in the mirror and barely recognized the person staring back. I had lost weight because I could not keep food down and there were dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping well. I looked sick and tired and miserable but I had to pretend everything was perfect.
I went downstairs and found my mother in the living room talking to Mrs Chen. She smiled when she saw me and stood up to give me a hug.
"Sweetheart, you look so thin," she said and held me at arm's length. "Are you eating enough?"
"I am fine, Mom," I lied. "Just been busy adjusting to everything."
She did not look convinced but she let it go. Mrs Chen excused herself and left us alone, my mother sat back down on the couch and patted the seat next to her.
"I wanted to check on you," she said. "We have barely talked since the wedding and I have been worried."
"There is nothing to worry about," I said and tried to smile. "Everything is great. The house is beautiful and Collin treats me very well."
I told more lies. Everything was terrible, and the house felt like a prison, and Collin barely looked at me unless he wanted something, but I could not tell my mother any of that.
"I am glad to hear it," my mother said. "Your father and I were concerned after you fainted at the wedding. We thought maybe you were having second thoughts."
"No second thoughts," I said quickly. "I was just dehydrated and stressed. The doctor said it was completely normal."
My mother nodded and reached out to hold my hand. "Marriage is a big adjustment. It is okay if you are feeling overwhelmed; that is completely normal, too."
If only she knew what I was really overwhelmed about. I was pregnant with another man's baby and pretending it was my husband's. I was sleeping with someone I did not love just to keep up a lie. I was trapped in a house with staff who were too scared to look at me and a husband who disappeared for hours without explanation.
"I know, Mom," I said. "But really I am fine. You do not need to worry about me."
We talked for a while longer about boring things like decorating the house and planning dinner parties and all the things a new wife was supposed to care about. I pretended to be interested and made appropriate comments but inside I was screaming.
Finally, my mother said she had to leave because she had a church meeting to attend. I walked her to the door and hugged her goodbye. As soon as she was gone I felt like I could breathe again.
I went back upstairs to my room and lay down on the bed. My stomach was churning and I knew I was going to be sick soon. I barely made it to the bathroom before I started throwing up. I had gotten good at being quiet about it, so nobody would hear.
When I was done I rinsed my mouth and went back to the calendar. Twenty-one days down, nineteen more to go. I could survive nineteen more days, I had to.
That night I went to Collin's room like I had every night for the past three weeks. He was already in bed reading something on his laptop. He smiled when he saw me, which should have been nice, but just made me feel sick again.
"Hey," I said and tried to sound casual.
"Hey yourself," he said and closed the laptop. "This is a nice surprise."
It should not have been a surprise anymore. I had been coming to his room every single night, but Collin never seemed to notice patterns, or maybe he just did not care enough to think about it.
I got into bed next to him and he immediately started kissing me. I closed my eyes and went to that place in my mind where I did not have to think about what was happening. I counted numbers, recited poems, or made grocery lists. Anything to not be present in my own body.
Afterwards, Collin fell asleep quickly like he always did. I lay there next to him staring at the ceiling and feeling empty. This was my life now, this was what I had chosen when I decided to keep the pregnancy a secret.
I thought about Jason and wondered where he was. I had not seen him since that day in the hospital when he told me he would not let Collin raise his child. What did that even mean? Was he planning something? Was he watching me?
Part of me hoped he was not watching because I did not want him to see what I was doing. I did not want him to know that I was sleeping with Collin to cover up the fact that the baby was his. It was shameful and wrong and I hated myself for it.
But another part of me hoped he was watching because at least then someone would know the truth. Someone would know that I was not happy here and that this perfect life everyone thought I had was actually a nightmare.
I carefully got out of bed and went back to my own room, i pulled out the calendar again
And added another red mark. Twenty-two days down and eighteen to go.