Chapter 111 Chapter 111
AILSA’S POV
I sat on the edge of the bed. I had gone to the room just like Lucian had asked. I wanted to protest when he asked me to go to the room but I didn’t want to upset him more than he already was. This was the first time I had seen Lucian so murderous. He looked like he was ready to kill the elder till I begged.
I had heard what the elders said but I didn’t let it get to me.
My hands folded in my laps, staring at nothing. I felt the bond tighten. Lucian was angry and rippled with unrest. The feeling crept under my skin and refused to leave. It made my pulse quicken. Everything just seemed wrong.
Elara.
Her name surface unbidden. I exhaled slowly, pressing my palm to the center of my chest. After she had openly told me to leave Lucian for her, I had felt restless. Ever since she came back, it has been one problem stacking on top of another.
‘I knew there was a reason I didn’t like her in the first place’ my wolf said. I agreed with her.
I always knew she was a fake. She used sympathy to stay in the pack and everyone fell for it. Now, she was trying to keep her mark in the pack. Speaking with the elders on behalf of Lucian? I had never seen that kind of audacity.
I thought about the punishment Lucian is given her. Would it change her mind about wanting him back? Or was Lucian asking her about what she said to me?
I ran a finger through my head in frustration, I was thinking about different things that didn’t make sense.
Ailsa…think about something else. I said to myself.
The thought in my head was about my life. How far I had come. The pain I passed through too. I remembered when I started adjusting in this pack. The sudden appearance of my mark which I still didn’t understand the significance till today, the poison, the whispers from pack members. And then…
My child.
My throat closed. I hadn’t wanted to think about it. I had avoided the thought with determination. That has been the most painful thing, I had experienced in my life. The poison was nothing compared to this.
I wondered what it would have been like to watch my belly grow round and heavy. If I would have complained about sore feet and aching hips. If I would have craved strange foods at odd hours, sending Lucian into the kitchen at midnight.
I wonder if the baby would have had Lucian’s eyes or mine.
‘It would have been a boy who looked exactly like Lucian’ my wolf said sadly.
I had watched other pregnant women and new mom hoped for my turn one day.
That was what broke me. Tears slipped down my cheeks before I could stop them. I brushed at them angrily, frustrated at myself for thinking about this. But the thought wouldn’t leave. I was still wiping my face when the door opened.
I froze. I scrubbed my eyes quickly, forcing my breathing to steady sand my expression to be neutral. By the time I turned, Lucian stood in the doorway, his broad frame filling it entirely. His gaze locked onto mine instantly.
“Hey. You’re back already. How did it go?” I said, trying to sound normal. He didn’t answer.
Instead, he closed the door and crossed the room , stopping in front of me. His hand lifted, his thumb brushing beneath my eye.
“Why does it look like you were crying?” I stiffened.
Was it noticeable even after I had dabbed my eyes?
“I wasn’t” his brows furrowed.
“Ailsa?”
“I’m fine” I insisted, forcing a smile. “I’m just tired, I was waiting for you to come back” his jaw tightened.
“Your eyes say a different thing, Ailsa. You are doing it again”
“Doing what?”
“Shutting me out. What happened?”
The care in his voice was my undoing. My lips trembled, and before I could stop myself, the dam broke. A sob tore out of my chest, loud and broken. I was crying and my shoulders were shaking as everything I’d been holding back came crashing down. Lucian pulled me into his arms without hesitation.
He held me tightly, one hand cradling the back of my head, the other form at my waist, anchoring me as I cried into his chest. Lucian just let me cry and he didn’t stop me. When the sobs finally quieted, I drew back, embarrassed. I wiped my cheeks.
“I’m sorry” I whispered. “I didn’t mean to…” Lucian tipped my chin gently.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize for feeling” he said firmly. I swallowed.
“I just…today was a bit stressful and it made me sad”
“What happened? Tell me” he asked softly. I hesitated at first, thinking twice but he had already watched me cry and there was no use lying.
“I keep feeling like….everything is piling up. The elders. Elara. I feel like I’m just in the shadows…” my voice wavered. “And there are things I don’t want to remember but yet I can’t forget” Lucian’s thumb traced slow circles on my hand.
“Talk to me” I took a breath.
“I also thought about the baby” I felt Lucian stiffen.
“I didn’t want to” I said quickly.
“I tried not to. But today it just came back. I kept wondering if we would have had a boy or girl. What color of hair, they’d have, the color of their eyes” tears welled again.
“I feel like something was taken from me before I could even love it properly. And wonder if I’d ever have a baby again” his grip tightened.
“Ailsa…”
“I know it wasn’t my fault. But sometimes I feel like I failed” my voice cracked. He cupped my face, forcing me to meet his gaze.
“You did not fail. And trust me, we would have plenty babies. As many as you want” I smiled weakly and let out a shaky breath.
“I’m scared Lucian. Scared of where all this is leading. Scared that one day you’ll be pulled in too many directions and I’ll be the thing you sacrifice” his eyes darkened.
“That would never happen. How can you think such a thing?” The sounded annoyed by that statement.
“You say that now but you don’t know what the elders would do, they might invite the regional elders. I saw what happened today, how they looked at me. Everything they said” I whispered. Lucian pressed his forehead to mine.
“Listen to me. I don’t care what the elders do or whisper. What happened today would repeat itself if the regional elders say something about you. There is no future for me that doesn’t include you” my heart fluttered.
‘He cares about us. He loves us’ my wolf whispered. Almost like she was blushing at that.
But he hadn’t said he loved us. Did he?
“You aren’t causing any division. You are my anchor and my home” I nodded, clinging to his words like a lifeline.
“Do you ever think about the child we lost?” I blurted out.
“Always. But there’s no use dwelling on the past. I only want to think about the future. A future with you and our unborn kids”
“Thank you for the assurance” I smiled.
“Come. Let’s wash the day off” he said after a moment.
The water was warm as it cascaded over us. Lucian stood behind me, his hands gentle as he helped me wash and rinse my hair. This moment was nothing sexual but it was very intimate. Lucian took care of me like he was handling a baby.
He scrubbed my body and rinsed, he dried my body and carried me back into the room. I leaned into him, exhaustion settling deep in my bones. He helped me wear my night dress.
“Thank you for taking care of me”
“It’s my pleasure” he said with a smile.
“I forgot to tell you earlier, Elara is no longer allowed outside the pack house”
I had forgotten about his talk with Elara but I was surprised at the new development.
“That is the punishment for what she did earlier. She spoke to the elders when she shouldn’t have. She might have also discussed other things before my arrival”
“She liked having the elders on her side. She tried to stop you when you almost choked that elder”
“I didn’t hear her. I couldn’t hear anyone until you touched me. I could have killed the elder if you didn’t step in”
“I’m glad you didn’t. Next time, you have to keep your anger in check”
“I hear you. My anger would remain in check if they don’t speak about you”
“It’s fine. Let’s not talk about Elara or the elders. Let’s have this night to ourselves”
“Okay. If that’s what you want”
After, we curled together in bed, my head resting on his chest, his arm wrapped securely around me. I closed my eyes breathing him in.