Chapter 185 - Dead Inside

Chapter 185 - Dead Inside
KIERAN
Kaira stood at my door, heart pounding. It had been years since she last dared step across this threshold. My room was always like a forbidden ground, a place I guarded like a fortress.
She knocked once. Silence.
She knocked again. Still nothing.
Her hand hovered on the latch. Leave it, Kaira. Just leave the jar by the door.
But something pulled her forward. She pressed gently, and it clicked. The door eased open. A breath escaped her lips.
The room inside was cloaked in shadow, the curtains drawn so tightly that the moonlight barely pierced through. It smelled faintly of steel and earth, cold and unwelcoming, like the owner himself.
Kaira hesitated at the doorway, clutching the jar in her palm. Then a voice came from behind her.
“You lost something,” I said.
She spun around, nearly dropping the jar. I stood there in the dim corridor, cloak damp from the night air, eyes unreadable beneath the hood’s shadow. My sudden presence made her stomach flip.
“I… no,” she stammered. “I just… wanted to check on you. To see if you’re all right.”
“Oh…” I didn't know what to say at that moment. 
I brushed past her without comment, pushing the door wider and stepping into the dark chamber. She swallowed, then followed, her slippers whispering across the cold stone floor.
I moved straight to the window, unlatching it with a hard motion. The night air poured in, stirring the dust, and Kaira could see the faint black markings crawling from my chest up to my throat and face. I stood with my back to her, shoulders tense.
“You can see I’m fine,” I muttered.
Kaira lingered behind me, her eyes soft. “No,” she whispered. “You don’t look fine, Kieran.”
I said nothing. The silence pressed heavy, broken only by the rustle of the curtains. Gathering her courage, she stepped closer, placing a tentative hand against his back. I didn’t move, but I didn’t pull away either.
“What’s the matter?” she asked gently.
My chest rose and fell. I kept my eyes on the dark horizon outside the window. For a long time, she thought I wouldn’t answer. Then, my voice, low and rough, broke the silence.
“I feel like I’m already dead inside.”
Kaira’s breath caught. My words lingered in the air like a wound opened raw.
“I breathe, I fight, I walk these halls,” I continued, still facing the night, “but none of it feels… alive. It’s like my soul was buried long ago, and all that’s left is this body, waiting for the grave to catch up.”
“Kieran…” she whispered, her hand pressing firmer against mine.
I shook my head faintly. “Don’t waste your pity. Consolation doesn’t work on a corpse.”
Her eyes burned, but she held her ground. “You are not a corpse. You’re my brother. And whether you like it or not, you’re still here. That means something. It has to mean something.”
I finally turned my head, meeting her gaze. My eyes, pale and weary, studied her as though testing the truth of her words. For a moment, the silence grew unbearable. Then I looked away again, jaw tightening.
Neither spoke after that. We just stood, side by side in the cold air, the weight of my confession hanging between us.
Finally, Kaira reached into the folds of her gown. “Here,” she said softly, placing the jar on the ledge beside me.
I glanced at it, brow furrowing.
“A handmaid sent this for you,” Kaira explained. She hesitated, choosing her words carefully. “Ivan came earlier, with one of Eloise’s servants. She said… she made this for you.”
“A handmaid?” I echoed, my voice sharp with suspicion.
“Yes,” Kaira replied, though doubt tugged at her even as she said it. She wanted to ask me how a handmaid knows my suffering? but instead she forced a smile. “She gave it to Ivan. I thought you should have it.” That lie isn't necessary. 
My eyes lingered on the jar. My hand hovered over it for a moment, but I didn’t touch it.
“I should go,” Kaira said quickly, suddenly unsure if she’d overstepped. She withdrew her hand from my back and turned to leave, her footsteps soft but quick. The door closed behind her, leaving me alone again.
For a long while, I didn’t move. I stood by the window, staring at the little jar resting innocently at my side.
A memory flickered to Adeline by the stream, her earnest voice promising, I’ll find a way to clear it for you, I promise.
My lips twitched into a faint, bitter smirk. I snorted under my breath, shaking my head. “Funny girl…”
Yet still, I picked up the jar, weighing it in my palm. The warmth of her sincerity lingered on it, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the strange ache in my chest.