Chapter 32 — Coming home…

My ears were ringing. My knees were shaking and I think I suddenly ran out of breath. Did he just say what I think he said?

I pushed him a little so I could meet his face and see if he’s fooling around but he’s not. His eyes were serious and sincere.

“What did you say?” I said almost breathlessly.

“Marry me, Cali.” he repeated. Wait, are those tears on his eyes? Why is he crying?

“When I read your letter, I was really, really scared. I didn’t know how I was supposed to live without you, Cali. I can’t lose you. I just can’t.”

All of a sudden, I felt my heart drop to my stomach and all my fears and years of pain started haunting me. It’s like all the demons I’ve been battling and trying to run away from for years had all decided to buff up and make a reunion at this exact moment.

My mind was filled with fears and voices telling me to say no or to run away because staying would only endanger their lives together. And who’s to say he wouldn’t leave me hanging again? Or betray me like he did almost a year ago?

What if he doesn’t really love me? What if he only loves Cali and not Calanthe the assassin or Lilian the traumatized kid? What if he could never accept the fact that I have killed so many people that I already have a cell reserved for me in hell?

What if he leaves me the moment that he finds out what I have done? What if he realizes he doesn’t even love me and was just infatuated at my fake identity or something? What if those men came back? What if the other families come after me for taking down Ivanov? What if they come after him?

“A-Alexander...I-I…”

The thoughts came rushing through me like a wave of tsunami that I couldn’t even hide them from Alexander anymore. He heard it. I knew he did. I could see the worry in his eyes changed into pain and anger.

“I love you, Cali. Marry me.” he earnestly said as if hoping that was enough to ease all my worries.

“B-But A-Alexander...I-I did so many,” I said, hearing my own voice breaking as tears rolled down my cheeks. “So many horrible, horrible things to people.”

“Things that I can’t even think about for too long because the guilt would kill me.” I helplessly sobbed at him.

“Cali, I love you.” he firmly repeated. “I don’t care about the things you had to do to survive. I love you.”

“No, no, you’re only saying that because you don’t know the horrible things I did,” I sobbed. “I bet you wouldn’t be able to even look me in the eye and ask me the same thing again once you find out.”

“Then show me.” he said, cupping my face and placing his forehead in mine. “Show me who you really are.”

With an aching heart, I let the thoughts and painful memories in. All the memories that I have locked away in the back of my mind, I set them free. If he wants to see it then so be it, if this is the only way for him to at long last let me go and be safe, even if it hurts so bad, I have to do it.

I remembered my first day on that hellhole. I remembered waking up in that cold dark room with tears on my eyes and fear consuming my entire being. I was so afraid that time that I couldn’t even stop shaking for days. I showed him how I couldn’t sleep for the first couple of weeks. I showed him the torturous training all those three years and the looming fear every time I go to sleep in that foreign territory.

I showed him the dozen mutants I had to kill in that arena so that I could win and get a ticket home to my family, which I never got. I showed him the 30 piled up bodies of mutants underneath my feet while I am drenched in their blood as I looked up at the glass window in that same arena with so much anger and exhaustion in my eyes. While a pair of taunting dark eyes looked down at me as if what I did wasn’t enough to impress him. I showed him how Ivanov immediately walked away at that moment as if regretting ever wasting his time watching that battle.

I showed him the long briefing Ivanov’s men gave me for my mission on the Deviant Heritage Academy. I showed him how I was unhesitant stabbing Cheryl Jones. I showed him how I controlled Irene Smith’s hand to kill herself. I showed him how I shot and killed Harry who turned out to be Amon. I showed him how I mercilessly killed those creatures who were trying to get in the academy.

I showed him a dozen more assassinations I had to do under the orders of Ivanov during the entire year we weren’t together. I showed him the twenty people I had to torture using my abilities under Ivanov’s orders as well.

And lastly, I showed him once more how I continuously lied to him back at the Deviant Heritage Academy.

By the time I was finished showing him all the painful memories, my eyes were so filled with tears I couldn’t see anything when I opened them. I had to blink a couple of times to clear my vision and even then, I couldn’t make out his expression so I removed his hands from face and started wiping my eyes. That was the only time I realized that I was shaking so badly.

I looked away. I didn’t want to see the horrified look on his face. I don’t have the courage to do so.

“L-Leave.” I muttered under my shaky breath. “L-Leave, I’ll understand just—”

I wasn’t able to finish my sentence when he suddenly turned my head to face him and placed his lips into mine. When our lips parted, to my surprise his eyes weren't filled with horror instead it was anger mixed with pain that consumed those blue orbs. I was afraid that he’s angry at me but something inside me tells me he is not.

“I hate myself for not being there for you in all those years. I wished I had used my powers more, pushed myself into your life more, maybe then you wouldn’t have to go through that much pain. I am really sorry, Cali.”

Did I hear him right? Is he out of his mind?

“Why aren’t you angry at me or something? I’m a murderer, Alexander! I killed people!” I cried out to him.

“You never wanted any of that to happen, Cali. You just wanted to go home.” Alexander said as he wiped the tears on my eyes. “I wished those were my words but no, it was Mister Alvarez who told me this before I left and he was right. I knew he was right but I guess I didn’t—”

“Felix?” I surprisingly said to which he nodded.

“Cali, I love you.” he sincerely said, with so much determination in my eyes as if none of what I showed him unnerved him which surprised me so much I couldn’t even speak.

“My love for you is unconditional and will last until the day I die and even after. I have no fear when I’m with you. I know you’re worried about the mafia coming after me but don’t be, I will make sure that none of them will be able to lay a finger on you or our family in the future. And so, I’m asking you again, will you marry me, Cali?”

“But shouldn’t I be marrying Felix since he’s the one who believed in me from the very beginning?” I teasingly said which I thought would make him snicker but it didn’t. Instead, it made his face drop into a deep frown and he even let go of my face hopelessly. I immediately took his hands into mine again.

“I was kidding! Oh, come on Alexander of course I’ll marry you!” I laughingly said which brightened up his face.

“Really?!” he asked in surprise as he hugged me tight, slightly lifted me up and spun me around like what those cheesy couples did in classic romcom movies. What we did definitely got the attention of more than just a couple of people in the streets.

“If that’s not a cliche, I don’t know what is.” Clark said in his deep sarcastic tone.

“Oh, shut up, babe! They deserve a cheesy romantic scene after everything they’ve been through.” Andrea said in a sassy tone.

Alexander slowly put me down with a stupefied look on his face as his three students who were supposed to be back in Sweden travelled halfway across the world and are now standing in front of him.

“Mister Miller, Mister Alvarez and Miss Crimson?” he asked in surprise. “What are you all doing here?”

“Mister Corvort sent us here.” Clark answered with a smile. “He was worried that something bad might happen to both of you.”

“James?” Alexander said with furrowed eyebrows.

“Good thing we were right in time, if we were late for only a couple of minutes who knows what could’ve happened?” Felix said, beaming at me with that annoying cheerful smile of his.

“What does that mean?” Alexander asked, looking at me worriedly.

“I’ll tell you about it later, what about you go change your clothes first?” I offered with a grin. “You’re literally wearing a bathrobe in the street.”

“And while you do that, Cali and I will start planning your wedding!” Andrea jubilantly squealed.

“Wait, what?” I said with eyes wide open. “H-How did you?”

“Oh, we heard you two! Now come on let me see the ring!” Andrea excitedly said, looking down expectantly at my hand.

“Uhm...there’s no ring yet.” I shyly said. Why am I being flustered all of a sudden?!

“What?!”

“We’re just going to pick it out together, do you guys want to come with us?” Alexander kindly offered to which Andrea was just about to happily agree when Felix stopped her.

“I think it’s best if we tour around New York for a bit, Professor.” he politely said.

“You sure?” Alexander asked, looking at each one of them. “Well, let’s meet back here around lunch, my treat for all the trouble you went through just to check on us.”

“We’ll see you at lunch, professor, and congratulations to you two.” Clark said with a sincere smile.

“Okay, just make sure to pick the biggest diamond you could ever find!” Andrea said with a dramatic pout before giving me a kiss on the cheek.

“Congratulations, Cali, I’m so happy for you.” Felix said as he gave me a hug.

“Really?” I asked, placing my head on his shoulder. “Thank you, Felix.”

When we parted, I held Felix's gaze for a while to see if he’s lying but he wasn’t, his eyes really showed how happy he is for me. I’m glad that he is.

….

“That’ll never happen, Alexander.” I firmly said, looking away as we walked down the street searching for a nearby jewelry shop. After getting him dressed up and watching him eat breakfast from hotel room service, we decided to be adventurous and walk the streets looking for a jewelry shop without asking any locals or the internet about it.

It was fun and even “romantic” at first but now that he had brought up my family and how he’s insisting that I should go home, even a stranger passing by would notice the sharp tension between us.

“But you just said yesterday that—”

“That was different, I was about to die yesterday. “I snapped back at him.

“Cali, they’re your family.”

“Cali doesn’t have a family. Lilian does and she’s gone.” I said while blinking away my tears. I have been crying so much since last night I think my tear ducts are already empty.

“Cali and Lilian are one and the same,” he said in a soothing voice. “They’re both strong and love their family so much.”

“Alexander, you don’t understand, they’ve moved on. I recently paid them a visit and they’ve moved on. I can’t just go there reopening four years' worth of scars and heartache.”

“Cali, they deserve to know what happened to you all these years.”

“It will break them.”

“You don’t know that,” he firmly said after stopping in his tracks and facing me. “I think you’re just afraid that it will break you. Cali, I’ll be there with you every step of the way. You can hold my hand the entire time and I’ll lend you my strength.”

“Why are you insisting on this?!” I angrily yelled back at him.

“Because I know how much you want this, I know how much you want to go home, you’re just scared. And when you’re scared you turn into the Hulk, which is exactly what’s happening right now.” When he said this, I steadied my breathing and started realizing how he’s actually right.

I do want to go home. I just don’t have the strength to face them.

“Fine,” I said with a loud groan. “But we’re not going to tell them everything.”

“But Cali—”

“Those are my terms. I am coming home but I can’t tell them everything I have gone through because that would literally break them.”

We stared at each other for a moment as if we’re in a staring contest in which I totally won since he just let out a defeated sigh and shook his head a few seconds later.

“What? Are you already regretting asking me to marry you?” I teased him as we started walking again. “Because that’s just one of the many more arguments that I will win and you’ll lose. Come on, you can say it now while we haven’t picked out a ring yet.”

He playfully wrapped his right arm around me and squeezed my shoulder.

“No way, I’d rather lose a thousand arguments with you than live a life without you in it.” he said as he kissed the top of my forehead which sent butterflies in my stomach.

“Hey, that’s Tiffany’s!” I said pointing to a Tiffany & Co. store ahead of us. “Let’s go in.”

“Who’s Tiffany?” Alexander said in confusion as he looked around the street for a person named Tiffany.

“Oh, you old bag, it’s a jewelry shop! Come on!” I said while dragging him inside the store.

“Did you just call me an old bag?” he said, sounding offended and hurt.

“You know, it’s always been my dream since I was a kid to have something from Tiffany’s.” I said, gazing at the glass display boxes with mesmerized eyes and a fluttering heart.

“When I was young, I remember only settling for even a small charm or a brooch but now I’m actually here to pick out my own engagement ring!” I excitedly said to Alexander with a giggle. He simply smiled back at me before taking my hand in his again.

“I love seeing you happy, my beautiful orchid.” he said before placing a kiss on my hand. “Now, pick any ring that you’d like.”

“Any ring?” I teased. “Because Andrea would kill me if I don’t get the one with the biggest diamond here.”

“Just pick one that you really like, my love.”

“Are you trying out different call signs for me?” I said, scrunching my nose in disgust. “Just pick one.”

“Well then what would you like me to call you?”

“Just Cali would be nice.”

“Okay, just Cali, why don’t we—”

“Stop trying to be funny.” I said, rolling my eyes at him before walking away and heading to the nearest ring display case.

For some reason, I felt like this is the first time I ever felt like a girl in years. Despite having enough freedom for the past year to buy my own stuff with the money I get from working for Ivanov, I didn’t have the grit to shop luxuriously. Because at that time I felt like a hollow shell drifting in the sea of criminals and corrupt politicians.

I had no hope. I was simply living day by day without looking forward to the next. I was always in combat without anything fighting for, even my own life. Ivanov used to call me a reckless assassin with the way I do my job without taking into consideration my own safety. But when I saw Alexander at that party, a fire ignited inside me and I knew as he stood there in the middle of the pool of the most corrupt and evil criminals in the world, I just had to protect him.

And when I had someone worth fighting for, I started to hope that maybe there would be a better future for me. I thought I could do it on my own, apparently, I was wrong. I still needed a help or two from Clark, Felix and Andrea.

Now as I stare into the sparkling beautiful jewelries on the glass display cases I couldn’t help myself from feeling a sense of euphoria. This is what a normal girl in her twenties should be doing. Shopping with her boyfriend without an ounce of worry that someone will come out of the shadows to assassinate them both.

“What’s wrong?” Alexander worriedly asked.

“What?”

“Your face looks different,” he said with furrowed eyebrows. “I’ve never seen you looking like that before.”

“Why? Is it bad?”

“No, in fact, I like it. You look beautiful.”

“You don’t have to lavish me with compliments,” I said, grinning back at him “I’m already marrying you remember?”

After spending at least more than an hour at that store choosing the perfect ring we decided to take the 2-carat round-cut diamond ring with its platinum band covered in diamonds as well. This is my first time picking something so luxurious for myself after wearing nothing but plain black and grey clothing for four years, so obviously I had to go with the most diamonds.

I was actually quite surprised when he bought it, I didn’t know he had that much money in his pocket. I mean how much does a professor make?

While he was paying for the ring, I was staring at him with a suspicious look on my face.

“What?” he asked with a smirk.

“Just how much money do you make in a year?”

“Well, for the past year I have been jobless since I spent the entire time searching the world for you.” when he said this so casually the lady behind the counter couldn’t resist giggling as she gazed at me with adoring eyes. “But I’ve been working hard enough for the past decade to save quite a fair amount of money.”

“Fair amount, huh?” I said, furrowing my eyebrows at him. “Wait, so you travelled the world for a year, stayed at this fancy hotel, probably paid-up Jo for her services and now you bought me this expensive diamond ring?”

I can see from my peripheral vision that the lady behind the counter had her eyes wide open and her mouth ajar when she heard me say “paid up Jo for her services” but I didn’t care.

“How are you going to pay for our wedding? Or is that when I come in? Do I have to pay for everything at our wedding?” When I said this the lady behind the counter was aghast and was slowly packing the ring as if she knows that there’s a chance that it will be placed back into the display case.

“Babe,” he said, trying another call sign which only angered me more. “I mean Cali, I will pay for everything at our wedding. Don’t worry.”

“But you just said it, you were jobless! And Clark said you resigned from your position as headmaster at the academy.” I snapped back, crossing my arms against my chest.

“I am not just a headmaster in the academy, Cali. I have a couple of businesses in Sweden.” he said with a shrug before turning to the lady behind the counter which surprised her so she decided to hurry up.

“A couple of businesses?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him. “Why don’t I know this? What businesses?”

“You’ll know once you meet my family.” he firmly said. “But we should meet yours first.”

“You’re family’s not part of the mafia in Sweden or something, right?” I walked closer to him and whispered in his ear.

He chuckled at me as he grabbed the small blue bag with the ring box from the lady behind the counter. I am already wearing the ring so that box is just empty.

“They’re not.” he said as he led me outside the store, still chuckling like a fool.

“By the way, I’m not going to let you shoulder all the wedding expenses, we’ll do it in half.” I said after rolling my eyes at him.

“And just how much money do you make in a year?” he mockingly said.

“Hey, I’ve got a pretty good amount of money from working for those bastards. It may be dirty money but it’s still money.” I said with a shrug of shoulders. “After everything they’ve done to me the least, they could do is give me the best wedding any girl could ever ask for.”

“No, baby,” he said, shaking his head. “I will pay for everything at the wedding, you just plan your dream wedding.”

“Did you honestly think that I was asking for your permission?” I said, furrowing my eyebrows. “And baby? That’s disgusting.”

“How about honey? Sugar pie? Honeybunch? Sugarplum?” Alexander teased with a chuckle as my face contorted into a disgusted one every time, he mentions a cheesy call sign.

“My pearl would be nice.” I said with a smirk.

“I’m not Mister Darcy,” he said with a frown. “I’m not that older than you.”

“Really?” I sarcastically said, rolling my eyes at him. “Then how old are you?”

“Uh...22?” he said to which I laughed so hard every passerby looked at me.

“What? I wouldn’t pass for 22?” he said, looking offended.

“No,” I said in between laughs. “You wouldn’t even pass for 25.”

“Okay.” he said, before acting like he’s walking away which made me laugh even more.

“Hey! I was just joking! You’ll definitely pass for 22!” I said, grabbing his arm to face me. “Ten years ago.”

He groaned and started walking away for real this time.

“If you think I’m going to chase after you, then find someone else to wear this ring.” I called out to him which made him stop in his tracks as if waiting for me to catch up with him.

“And for the record, I like older men.” I simply said once we’re walking side by side again, which made him chuckle.

After meeting up with Andrea and the rest for lunch and having him gawk on my diamond ring, we decided to book our flights for Pennsylvania and Sweden. Of course, Andrea and the rest would have to go back, although I hated seeing them go. But I promised that we would come back to the academy after paying my family a visit.

New York felt like a dream now that we’re sitting on an airplane heading towards my home. This feels more like the reality I was running away from. I wonder if everything I would be experiencing for the rest of my life will feel like a dream and my reality is when I go through pain and heartache.

“No, they won’t, Cali.” Alexander said in a soothing voice beside me. “Starting now you will live a life in the real world with me filled with happiness and the occasional arguments.”

“Occasional?” I sarcastically said while raising an eyebrow at him.

He shrugged before placing a reassuring kiss on my forehead and for the rest of the trip I felt safe and calm because I know I’m with him.