Chapter 15 — I’ll be home for Christmas…
I woke up to the amazing aroma of coffee and so I opened my eyes with a smile on my face. The sunlight passing through the window was too bright so I had to squint my eyes.
“Good morning” a familiar male voice said. The smile on my face vanished and I forced my eyes open despite the pain from the blinding sunlight.
“What are you doing here?” I groaned at Professor Alexander who’s sitting on the chair beside my bed, holding a delicious smelling coffee.
“I was hoping we could have another proper conversation like last time.”
“Get lost.” I grumpily said while covering my face with a blanket.
“I’m not leaving.”
“Don’t you have a school to run?” I sarcastically said from under the blanket.
“The school can run on its own.” he bluntly answered with a sigh.
“What do you want from me?”
“You said you want me to help you and I was thinking—”
“You know what?” I angrily said cutting him off after I removed the blanket off my face. “Forget it. Forget everything I said that night. I don’t need your help.”
“Miss Calanthe—”
“I am broken beyond repair, professor! I am not worth the trouble! I have severe insomnia, a violent traumatic past, I harm myself and I have demons talking in my head 24/7. No amount of proper conversation bullshit can help me! So, give it up already and just leave!” I yelled so loud I ran out of breath and my chest started hurting so bad.
“You can push me away all you want but I am not leaving your side.” he briskly said, boring his deep blue eyes in mine.
“You can’t help me.”
“You haven’t given me a chance yet.”
I didn’t answer, instead I kept staring at his deep blue eyes as if looking for the answers to the mystery of his eagerness to help me.
“You have to let me help you.”
“What’s your plan? Forcing me to do crappy exercises and meditations like those shrinks in Hollywood?” I scoffed while rolling my eyes at him.
“No.” he simply answered with a smirk or was it a smile? I can’t tell.
“Then what?”
“You can’t sleep at night because you’re scared of someone hurting you in your sleep, right?”
“Who the hell says I’m scared?” I uneasily said, looking sideways.
“Miss Calanthe, I am here to assure you that nothing bad will happen to you in your sleep.” he said in a serious voice.
“I will always be by your side.” he proclaimed placing a hand on his chest.
I scoured my mind to find the best arrogant remark but I couldn’t find anything. All I could ever think at this moment is that I am not worthy of all this trouble. The lengths he’s willing to take in order to help me. All of it. I don’t deserve it. What I deserve is pain and nothing else. I have been weak and stupid these past few days.
I need pain. I deserve pain.
“You’re wrong. You are worth it, Miss Calanthe.”
“You reading my mind again?” I said in a defeated tone.
“You’re worth is not equivalent to pain. I promise you that I will make you feel how valuable and worthy you are. I promise to show you the things you really deserve, not pain.” he gallantly declared with so much confidence burning in his eyes, for a second I actually believed him.
“You know how I hate promises, professor.”
“I know. But I told you to slowly put your faith on me, didn’t I?” he said with a smile that shone so brightly I didn’t know if it was because of the morning sun outside or this tingling sensation inside me that he’s making me feel.
I pray to the demons in hell it was the former.
“You’re really stubborn, you know that?” I said with a smirk on my face.
“No, I’m not, I’d like to refer to myself as relentless.” he proudly said.
“You’re stubborn.” he added pointing his forefinger at me accusingly.
“Thank you for the compliment.” I teasingly said. “Now, aren’t you going to give me a cup of that delicious smelling coffee?”
“Hmm...I don’t think it’s good for you.”
“Okay, leave. Nobody denies me access to coffee.” I said, glaring at him.
He chuckled so loud it actually echoed across the room.
“Calm your horses, Miss Calanthe.” he said standing up and pouring coffee into a big white mug. I slowly sat up with a smirk on my face.
“Here’s your coffee.” he said, sounding surprised when he turned around to see that I was no longer laying down on the bed.
“Seriously? No cream or sugar? Do I look like an old man to you?” I said with a grimace when he handed me the white mug.
“No, I just assumed that someone like you drinks black coffee.” he uneasily said walking back to the pantry table near the corner of the infirmary. Yes, the infirmary had a pantry table, that’s what you get when the doctor is an old bachelor who gave up all hope on finding a wife.
“Three sugars.” I ordered when I saw him put only one.
“Three? This is coffee not milkshake.” he said in disbelief but he added two more sugars anyway.
“I have a sweet tooth, professor.”
“Really?”
He handed me the mug and I smelled it first before taking a sip. I love the smell of coffee.
“I never saw you as a person with a sweet tooth.”
“Sweets are the only perfect thing in this world.” I proudly declared.
“What’s your favorite sweet treat?” he said with a wide grin on his face.
“You may be fifty years older than me but I’m not a child.” I scowled at him.
“Fifty years?” he surprisingly said while scoffing disbelief. “Miss Calanthe, I am not that old.”
“Well, you sure do look like it.”
“I do not!” he snapped back with his cheeks turning red in embarrassment. The great Professor Alexander is embarrassed?
“Hombre viejo.” I smirkingly said in perfect Spanish accent.
“Hey! I know Spanish, Miss Calanthe and I am not an old man.”
“I can’t believe it,” I said with wide eyes. “You just yelled hey like a teenager”
And then I started laughing so hard I had to place the white mug on my bedside table because I almost spilled it.
He joined me after a few seconds then when our laughter died down, he intently stared at me.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I was only surprised to see you laugh like that.” he snickered as he looked down on his feet.
“I surprised you a lot today, didn’t I?” I teasingly said which made him raise his head back up and look at me.
“Yes, you did.”
“I have a question, professor.” I asked, feeling a little bit uneasy with my question.
Instead of answering he just nodded his head for me to continue.
“Why is it always snowing here?”
“You’re from Russia, right? Aren’t you used to the cold weather?”
“I am, I just thought that we were somewhere in the southeast part of the world.”
“You have no idea where we are?” he asked, his face a mixture of disbelief and confusion.
“My uncle didn’t bother to tell me or maybe he did but I was probably still in a state of shock or something.”
“Well, if you must know, we are in the northern part of Sweden, that’s why it’s always snowing here.” he said with a reassuring smile.
“Sweden? I guess my uncle didn’t bring me somewhere far from home after all.”
“Wait, didn’t you ever go with Miss Crimson and Mister Sandoval to the city?” he asked with furrowed eyebrows.
“No,” I simply said. “I can’t leave this place.”
“And why is that?”
“I can’t tell you, professor.” I sincerely said. “It’s not the time yet.”
“So, you’re Swedish?” I said changing the subject with a forced smile.
“Half, I grew up in the United Kingdom though before I built this school here. It’s my father’s homeland, by the way.”
“That explains your weird accent.” I teasingly said with a wide grin.
“I don’t have a weird accent.” he argued with furrowed eyebrows.
“Yes, you do.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Yes, you do.”
“No, I don’t.”
“I could go on for days, can you?” I dared with a grin while I drank from my coffee mug.
“Fine, you win.” He finally said after heaving out a deep sigh.
“I know.”
Silence settled in between us so I decided to ask him to leave but he suddenly spoke before I could do so.
“I heard you like reading books in the library with Mister Alvarez.”
“How did you know about that?” I said, playfully squinting my eyes at him. “You’re stalking me, aren’t you?”
“What?! No! Of course not!”
He started blabbering about excuses but I wasn’t listening, instead my mind was completely blank as I stared at his mature bearded face adorned perfectly with thick glasses. Now that I think about it, this is the first time I ever saw him up close during the day.
We always had our brief encounters at night and we only met in the classroom during the morning, where he had always kept his distance to not show favoritism. Now, with the sun shining brightly behind him, therefore letting me see his full features, I realized how a handsome fine man he is.
“Well, thank you for that.” he suddenly said with a smirk which forced me back to reality.
“Thank you for what?” I asked, sounding oblivious.
“For agreeing that I am a stalker and I’m the handsomest man alive.”
I felt my cheeks warmed up while I stared at him wide eyed.
“What are you talking about?!”
“Silence means yes, right?”
“You’re such child!” I bellowed, shooting him a death glare before childishly throwing him a piece of tissue.
He was utterly shocked by my action and so was I. I even felt my hands tremble in astonishment.
Within seconds, he lightened up the atmosphere by laughing and throwing me crumbled tissues paper as well. Before I could make sense of what’s happening, we were having the most head to head battle of tissue throwing in history as we laughed our heads off.
“Now this is a Christmas miracle.” a familiar well-mannered and courteous voice said from the doorway.
We froze on our spots and turned to James Corvort who grinned widely while he walked towards us.
“I have never seen you two not fighting like cats and dogs.” he added.
“James.” Professor Alexander said removing tissue papers from his body and started fixing his clothes.
“Professor Grant. Miss Calanthe.” he politely said, lowering his head in respect. “I apologize for cutting your time together short but there are certain urgent issues that require your attention Professor Grant.”
“Wait a second, what do you mean you’ve never seen us not fighting like cats and dogs?” I skeptically asked.
“I always hear you shouting at each other from my office, though I never understood for what reason. The walls aren’t that thin.” he bluntly said.
Does he know?
“I’ll be with you in a minute, James.” Professor Alexander blurted out.
“I will be waiting for you outside, Professor Grant.” he said before lowering his head again like a real-life eighteenth-century butler.
“He doesn’t know.” Professor Alexander said as soon as the door closed behind James Corvort.
“How can you be sure?” I doubtfully asked.
“Because if he did, he would’ve understood why I wanted to help you, instead of forcing me to leave you alone.”
“You should’ve listened to him.”
“Not a chance, Miss Calanthe.” he said with a smile on his face before he walked towards the door patting his clothes to get rid of the tissue papers.
When a good twenty minutes had passed and I knew he’s somewhere far away from the infirmary I let my real thoughts inside my head.
Sweden, huh? What was I expecting? That they will send me somewhere in America where I would only be one drive away from my home? Of course, they wouldn’t.
I am on an entirely different continent. Even if I somehow find a way to disable this transmitter/poison in my body, I would be killed before I could escape from this continent.
What the hell am I doing? Telling things that I shouldn’t to that bastard professor. I should punish myself for being too weak and emotional these past few days. I have been weak.
“You need to stop waiting for me to save you. You need to let yourself be saved.”
Let myself be saved? Kyle, is this what you want me to do? Let that bastard professor save me from my hell bound life?
I need a loophole. I’m too scared to surrender all that I am, Kyle. I need a loophole.
What if I just continue what I am doing? Being honest with what I am feeling but not with the reason behind it. That way I can continue on with my mission at ease.
It’s a loophole, I know. But in order to survive, people like me need loopholes in their own belief system that they built over pain and torture.
….
As expected, after Thanksgiving the holidays rolled in like the cold winter breeze. Shortly, it was already four days before Christmas Eve. It’s been two weeks since Doctor Collins discharged me from the infirmary and made me promise to never show my face there again, in a good way.
Professor Alexander kept his promise about helping me sleep at night. During lights out in the dormitories, he would pass by our door and I would be knocked out without a moment to waste.
The students were still anxious about the monster that attacked me last November. Despite the precautionary rules implemented such as no students are allowed to roam around at night and synchronized lights out in the dormitories, it did not lessen their fears.
As for me, I couldn’t care less for that monster. I was a bit curious but I still have a mission to finish. Besides, I stopped going out of the room unarmed so the next time that beasts shows up I will cut its throat. In fact, I am actually waiting for it to show up again to get my revenge.
His biggest mistake that night is not making sure that I died.
Some students came home two days early for the winter break, out of requests of their rich parents. Professor Alexander had no choice but to let them go, doubting that they will still come back after the break.
The students who treat this school like their home had no choice but to choke on their fears and pray to whoever god they worship that they will not be the next victim of the monster. Professor Alexander had been so preoccupied about this that he and I seldom talked. And if we do it will only be for a few minutes before James would show up and cut it short again.
That’s good, though, it means I wouldn’t have to worry about the things I should say to him. Like how much truth should I let him now and what lies should I cover it up with. But sometimes at night, I would stare at the door waiting for it to open and to reveal the usual annoying smile of that bastard professor. It never did. Instead I would just find myself dozing off as I was staring at it and the next thing, I knew it was morning already.
“Cali!” Andrea cried out snapping me back to reality. “Were you listening to me?”
“Y-Yes, you were saying something about Clark and Christmas Eve?”
“Yes! We have to help him out with the preparations for Christmas Eve.” Andrea insisted as Harry and Felix were pretending to be busy chomping on their pizzas.
“He’s fast, he can do that by himself.” I muttered under my breath as I put my attention back on my food.
“But Cali!” Andrea whined like a child. “The kids going home early for the winter break had already put enough stress on his shoulder already and with that jerk face Liam’s case still going on.”
“He’s still not convicted yet?” I asked in bewilderment.
“He’s from a rich family, Cali, his father would hire hundreds of lawyers and even buy himself a judge if that’s going to keep his son out of jail.” Harry blurted out in an irked manner.
“That jerk.” I said gritting my teeth.
“See? Clark needs our help! This Christmas Eve should be the best party this school has ever seen!” Andrea confidently declared.
“Why?” I muttered, returning my attention to finishing my food.
“Because Christmas is the season of giving, love and hope! After what happened last November, this school needs a new beacon of hope. The Thanksgiving feast wasn’t enough! We need something bigger, better and more extravagant than that!” Andrea enthusiastically announced that made me regret asking my previous question.
“Oh come on you guys! Where’s your sense of camaraderie and goodwill?” Andrea argued back with a soft whine.
“You don’t have to force them, Andrea.” I turned around and I found myself face to face with a distraught looking Clark Miller. His hair was disheveled and it seems like he hasn't shaved his face in weeks.
"You look like a mess, Clark." Harry said, his face contorted into a grimace.
"Thanks, Harry." He sarcastically replied.
"We'll give as much help as you want, man." Felix reassuringly said.
"Are you sure?" Clark said in a defeated voice.
"No," Harry impassively said but Andrea kicked him under the table so he immediately changed his answer.
"I-I meant no problem." He uneasily added.
"And you, Cali?" Clark asked with a desperate look on his face.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I reluctantly answered.
After lunch, Clark excused us from our classes and led us to one of the empty classrooms where every decoration on events were made and stored. There were about four other people there but it was obvious that they are in dire need of extra hands.
“I didn’t know there were other student body officers.” I casually said as I sat on one of the chairs.
“Our duty is to only help Clark on events and such. As for the school regulation duties, he does it all by himself.” the girl who as I recalled named Gavin said.
“Typical, Clark, always playing the hero.” I scathingly said loud enough for him to hear, but he didn’t seem to notice since he was preoccupied with the ribbons that a girl named Jessie was showing him.
“Alright, Andrea and Harry, you help Gavin with the musicians and the sound system. Felix you help Jessie and the others with the decorations. And as for you Cali, you’re coming with me to the kitchen to discuss the food buffet.” Clark said in his usual authoritative voice.
“Let’s report back here before dinnertime.” he added before he motioned for me to follow him. I almost dragged myself to follow him to the kitchen. I hate doing charity works like this.
“I reckon you didn’t imagine yourself spending the holidays like this.” Clark muttered in a low voice all of a sudden.
“What makes you say that?”
“You’ve had a sour look on your face ever since Felix offered me your help.” he answered looking down at his feet.
“Christmas just makes me feel nostalgic and sad. Don’t mind me. So, what food do you plan on serving for Christmas Eve?” I said quickly changing the subject.
“I was thinking of some traditional mashed potatoes, loaves of bread, lamb chops and....so far that’s it.” he said, looking defeated to which I responded with a chuckle.
“Seriously? Who planned last year’s food menu?”
“Sir Corvort did, but now he’s a bit busy with all of the students going home early for the winter break.” he answered in a forlorn voice.
“Well, how about we just asked the people in the kitchen for their suggestions?”
“That’s a great idea.” he said with a small smile.
When we reached the kitchen and started talking to the staff about the food for Christmas Eve, I can’t help but reminisce about my family.
4 years ago It is the morning of Christmas Eve and I woke up to the sound of banging on my door.
“Pumpkin! Wake up! We’ve got loads of work to do!” mom’s voice bellowed from the other side. My mom could be as beautiful as an angel and has the aura of a celestial being but she could also be a really scary monster when she’s pressured and angry.
“I’ll be right out.” I groggily said, dragging myself out of bed.
As soon as I walked out of my room, I could hear the chaos inside the house. There were only four people in here but with their loud yelling people outside would assume that there’s ten in here.
Everyone had their own duties to do. It’s Christmas Eve in a couple of hours and as per family tradition our relatives would be celebrating it with us. They’re all staying at a nearby three-star hotel since they couldn’t fit in our house but they’ll be arriving later tonight expecting hors d'oeuvres and a large feast on the table.
Mom and I are in charge of cooking the feast while my dad and Kyle are wrapping the gifts and fixing some last-minute house decorations. It was chaotic. Everyone was yelling across the room asking where the masking tape was or if dad bought the hot chocolate mom told him to.
It was a loud and stressful morning but I enjoyed it. This was one of our Christmas traditions that makes me really happy. And I would never exchange it for the fancy Christmas Eve celebrations in London or anywhere else in the world just like what my classmates always had.
“Pumpkin, will you start preparing the lasagna?”
“Yes, mom, three batches, right?” I said with a chuckle.
“We need to feed three families tonight, sometimes it makes me think we’re in a soup kitchen.” Mom jokingly said with a soft laugh.
“And one of them is Kyle so make that four families.”
“Hey! I heard that!” Kyle yelled from the living room.
The four of us roared into laughter as we continued doing our duties. By sunset, everything was set, the food was all cooked and ready to be eaten and the gifts were neatly wrapped under the three. As Dad waited for our relatives to arrive, I headed to my bedroom and took a quick shower.
I put on the red halter dress with a white knitted cardigan on top before I headed to my parents’ bedroom where my mom was putting on makeup. A sparkling green bodycon dress that runs until a few inches above her knee. As always, she looked beautiful.
“Pumpkin, why is your hair like that?” she asked, looking disappointed. My hair is tied up in a messy bun like how I always wear it.
“What’s wrong with it?”
“Come here.” she said motioning for me to sit on her chair while she stands up behind it.
“You’re already 14, Lilian.” she said as soon as I sat down on the chair. “You should learn how to present yourself like a young lady.”
She started removing my hair tie and softly brushed my hair with her silver hairbrush. It was so satisfying and comforting, I am using all my strength to fight the urge to fall asleep.
“But mom, I like my hair that way.” I whined.
“Pumpkin, remember, when you’re wearing a dress, your hair should always be pretty.” she said while fixing my long brown hair in a waterfall braid with streaks of small hairs falling on the sides of my face.
As I stare at myself in the mirror, I look like one of those fairies in children’s books.
“Why, mom?”
“In this world, people will treat you nicely if you look presentable and beautiful.” she answered in a sad voice.
“That’s terrible, mom, everyone should be treated equally whether they’re presentable or not.”
“You’re right, Lilian.” she said kissing the top of my head.
“And besides, it’s Christmas! It’s a special occasion!” mom said, trying to lighten up the atmosphere.
“Yeah, it really is.” I said in a trance-like manner as I gaze at the beautiful version of me through the mirror.
When we heard the front door open and Dad exchanging greetings and laughter to our relatives, my mom and I rushed downstairs. On the way down, we bumped into Kyle who was wearing a green sweater. He stopped to look at me from head to toe.
“You look like a girl.” he teasingly said.
“I am a girl!” I protested as he offered me his arm. I took it and we walked down the stairs together to greet our cousins, aunts and uncles.
After receiving tons of kisses from our aunts and a good hard pat on our heads from our uncles, we finally found time to catch up with our cousins.
We waited by the fire for the clock to strike 12 as people went in and out of our kitchen to get food and beverages.
Our house was filled with laughter and people exchanging stories about the recent events in their lives. As I take a big gulp from my hot chocolate, I look around the room and carved in my memory this very moment.
Christmas will only be Christmas when I am home with my family.
“Cali!” Clark called out, pulling me back to reality.
“Y-Yes?”
“What do you think of lasagna?” Clark asked as the kitchen staff all looked at me waiting for my response.
“That sounds good.” I said forcing a smile.
How the hell am I going to enjoy this Christmas without my family? Christmas means nothing to me now. And that will never change.