Chapter Fourteen

As I stripped off my work clothes, the smell of strawberries lingered in the air. I groaned and shoved my outfit deep into my laundry basket. Maybe when I settled into being RD, I’d start dating again. Clearly, I was just lonely and needed to spend some quality naked time with another human.

My promotion would mean less travel, fewer times I’d have to disappear for days or weeks at a time. While this case was practically next door, it was rare I got to sleep in my own bed this much during a mission. Also, I wouldn’t have to lie as much, which was exhausting. I had signed my real name on an email today, but thankfully caught it before I hit send.

I rolled my shoulder to loosen it, catching a glimpse of the scars in my closet mirror. I trailed my fingers down the puckered marks, the skin numb. When I was lying in the carcass of my car, with Jake next to me, holding his sweatshirt against my body to try to stop the blood flow, the only thing I was worried about was who was going to clean out my apartment if I didn’t make it.

What if it happened today? I would think of strawberries.

I scoffed out loud at myself. I sounded ridiculous, even in my own head. Did I want to have someone in my business all the time? I mean, Sebastian was already, but I never had to check his calendar to see if he had plans. I never needed to tell him when I was going away for the weekend or if I got held up at the office, although I usually did. He worried.

I’d never handled the feeling of being tracked very well. My time was my own. Ha! Your time hasn’t been your own since you were fifteen.

I frowned at my own inner voice. “Melodramatic much?” I mumbled.

I glanced to the other side of my queen bed, where the duvet cover and pillows were still perfectly smooth from when I had changed the sheets over the weekend. What would it be like to look over and see someone curled up on that side? What if they smiled at me when I walked in the room? Would I like it if they pulled me into their arms after a long day?

This was a ridiculous train of thought. Maybe I was still suffering effects from my head injury. I opened the note app on my phone and put a reminder down to call my doctor if it happened again.

A memory of my mom doing dishes after dinner popped unbidden into my brain. Dad had snuck up behind her and she startled, dropping the pan into the sudsy sink. In retaliation, she scooped up some soap and put it on top of his head. I had run out into the backyard when they started kissing, because seeing your parents kiss was gross. They had been so happy then. Now, Mom was happy again.

Was I happy?

That was a stupid question. Of course I was happy. I shook my head to clear it.

There was no room for attachments in agent life. As much as I loved Jake and his family, he was risking everything by staying so close to them. If something happened to him on a mission, his family would be broken. Worse, if someone wanted to retaliate, they’d have half a dozen options to choose from. It had happened to the previous Territory Director, who had retired after his wife and son were kidnapped.

I wouldn’t let that happen to anyone I loved. It was too much responsibility for me to carry. I had enough pressure just trying to be a good agent, one my father could brag to the other directors about. I didn’t need more entanglements that would get in the way of my laser focus.

My phone chimed.

Carma: Thank you for today.

Carma: I really like not eating food with you.

A mixture of excitement and dread filled my stomach. My thumb hovered over the delete button. I needed to walk away. Not respond. Old Mina would throw out some vague reply and ask her leading questions about the investigation.

That was the problem. Old Mina had bailed sometime between trying to crack my skull open on the asphalt and walking through Thinner’s front door. It might have been while Jake told me terrible jokes to keep me conscious until the medics arrived. Or maybe it was during the months of physical therapy when I went for days without talking to a living person who wasn’t a medical professional.

Almost dying changes people. Sebastian was right.

Because Old Mina wouldn’t have ever typed, I like not eating food with you, too. And she definitely wouldn’t have hit send. My entire body clenched.

What was I doing? I’m just texting, I told myself. It was only a conversation. She wasn’t going to jump out and kiss me. I was allowed to have friends.

A text message bubble appeared to let me know she was typing something. Then, unexpectedly, she was calling. It had been so long since someone who wasn’t Jake called me, I nearly dropped the phone in confusion.

“H-hello?”

“Tell me everything about yourself,” Carma said.

I laughed, startled, then sat down on my bed. “Uh, like what?”

“What do you love? Hate? Pineapple on pizza? Catcher in the Rye?”

I blinked, trying to remember what I actually liked. “Um… I love hummus? Prefer Toni Morrison to Salinger. I almost exclusively watch serial killer documentaries and CSI, but I’ll watch Golden Girls over either every time. You?”

Carma laughed. “We settled in Michigan because my mom’s parents lived here, but we hadn’t been back to visit since I was a teen. Root beer from A&W in a chilled mug was my absolute favorite treat as a kid. I love period dramas and all musicals. Tell me more.”

I lay back on my bed, pondering how to respond. “I broke my arm when I was fourteen trying to ride my bike down cement stairs, but I told my dad my school’s bully pushed me out of the tree and he got sent to boarding school. I regret nothing. My favorite band is Sorry Charlie. I love to be in control, but you wouldn’t know it by the state of my kitchen.”

“Good to know. Tell me more.”

I smirked. “Nope, your turn.”

She sighed, pretending to be put out. “I still sleep with a teddy bear. I hate Bruce Springsteen. I once kissed a frog to see if it would turn into a princess. When I told my mom I was a lesbian, she took us to get rainbow manicures. I don’t believe you let dirty dishes boss you around.”

I shrugged, as if she could see me. “We’ve all got to relinquish control sometimes. I’m fine with the dishes winning.”

She laughed loudly once. “You’re a damn liar. You’re in complete control at all times.”

I gasped. “You’re practically a Disney princess. I didn’t know you could swear.”

This time, her laugh was soft and breathy, and it did something weird to my chest. “That’s how you know it was serious. My mom bred a lot of the expletives out of me—a proper lady never swears or some patriarchal bullshit—but sometimes they slip in.”

“Oh really? When else do you swear?” I teased. “I saw you slam your elbow into the door yesterday and you didn’t make a sound.”

“Usually when I come.”

I choked on air and dropped the phone. Holy shit, had she just said what I think she said? Scrambling, I picked it back up and held it to my ear. “Carma…” I breathed. I didn’t know what else to say. My head was a swirl of imagined images of her screaming out profanity as my hands moved over her.

“Hey, my mom is calling,” she sighed. “I’ve got to take it, or she’ll just keep calling. Text me later?”

I managed a goodbye before the call ended. I sucked in a deep breath to calm my racing heart. Usually when I come. It was like she struck a match and lit a powder keg inside of me.

Sebastian knocked on my door. “Should I be concerned? You arrived home, didn’t acknowledge me, and have not quit your room in three quarters of an hour.”

Damn house ghost. “Just tired!” And incredibly turned on. “I’ll be out later.”

“But today is true crime evening. Are you indisposed?”

With a growl, I pushed off the bed and grabbed a long T-shirt and shorts from my drawer, pulling them on. “I’m fine.” When I opened the door, Sebastian hovered in the hall, arms crossed.

He gave me a once-over. “You’re not fine.”

I rolled my eyes, trying to appear like my entire body didn’t feel like it was on fire. “Just had a long day. How about a Jane Austen movie instead of true crime?”

“I think we should make sure you aren’t feverish. Should I ring for a physician?”

I scooted past him, opening the food delivery app on my phone and placing my standard Monday night order. “No biggie if you don’t want to watch.” I plopped down in the armchair and Sebastian took his place on the couch.

“It’s not that I am uninterested. It’s that something seems…off.”

Ghosts were so dramatic. “I’ve been off for months.”

He laughed, even though it wasn’t funny. “I have been dead for over a hundred and fifty years, Mina. I know more than you think. What happened at work today?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m just…tired.”

He studied me, likely correctly guessing it wasn’t just a lack of sleep. “You weren’t ready to return?”

I picked at the armrest. “Physically, I’m fine. Just sore.”

“Not what I was inquiring about.”

“I gave up nearly everything to get here. I’m so close.”

He nodded in acknowledgement. “You are.”

“I want it.”

He nodded again.

“But I’m so tired,” I whispered. Of the lies. Of constantly looking over my shoulder. Of always being on alert.

“Of being alone?”

“I’m not alone. Not really.”

He gave me a sad smile. “Mina, I adore you. But you have the emotional availability of wallpaper and that comes with consequences.”

“Less baggage.”

“Less of a life. You have plenty of time to be a ghost when you die. Don’t waste the years that matter.”

“Getting attached will get me killed. Or worse, them.”

He crossed his arms as my phone vibrated with Carma’s text tone. “But aren’t you already attached?”

I didn’t respond. Just stared at the back of my phone, refusing to pick it up and read the text. “No. I can’t be.”

“You shouldn’t be, but that doesn’t mean you’re not.” He ran a hand through his hair, one of his living gestures he still used when he was frustrated. “I would give every moment of my afterlife to go back and do it right. Find someone I loved and just exist with them for a little while.”

“Reggie would be devastated.”

“Reggie would say the same thing.” My phone buzzed again. Sebastian sighed. “You’re going to watch Austen, aren’t you?”

I didn’t respond. I didn’t need to.

“Well. As much as I love calling out historical inaccuracies, I think I’m going to let you enjoy this on your own. Reggie and I will go haunt the cemetery or something.” He put his top hat on his head. “Be careful, love. Roses may be beautiful, but they still have thorns.”

As soon as he disappeared, I grabbed my phone and read the texts.

Carma: I’m sorry.

Carma: So, what are you up to tonight?

I flipped on my streaming station. Might as well rent 'Emma.' Period pieces weren’t really my thing, but I knew it would make Carma smile.

Me: watching the new Emma.

Me: I already hate her.

Carma: yes!!! And you’re supposed to. That’s the beauty of Emma.

Carma: this movie is exactly my aesthetic.

Me: Well, maybe if you added some headings or skulls.

Carma: True.

Me: well was not expecting to see Mr. Knightley’s ass.

Carma: figured I’d surprise you.

Me: thanks.

Me: Emma’s side butt! This movie is exactly why I’m bi.

I held my breath. I don’t know why that felt like coming out all over again. When I came out to my dad at sixteen, he just nodded and then handed me half his newspaper, like he had done every day. My mom had smiled and told me about dental dams.

I still remembered a guy who sat next to me in a bar a decade ago, who had bought me a drink, only to lecture me that bi people didn’t really exist. Also couldn’t forget how the men I worked with joked about ménages in low tones during meetings, when I couldn’t break their femurs without getting caught. Thankfully, Jake usually took care of those situations by slashing tires. He really was the best friend.

Sucking in a breath and blowing it out, I started a new text. I was proud of who I was, but it was still nerve wracking to show myself to someone new.

Me: Do you have a problem with me being bi?

I cringed as I hit send. That wasn’t exactly what I wanted to ask. Was it? Why would I care if one of my marks had a problem with my sexuality?

My heart raced as her text bubble appeared. Come on…come on…

Carma: Why would I have a problem with it?

Carma: You choose a person, not a side. Do you have a problem with me being a lesbian?

I smiled. Fair point.

Me: Nope. In fact, I’m glad you dig women.

Carma: Is that so?

Carma: Any particular reason?

Me: *shrugging emoji* Not really.

Me: Just thinking about you.

I set my phone down on the coffee table, turning my attention back to the movie. I couldn’t shake the feeling I was playing with fire, but it felt so good to be this close to the flame.