Chapter 2

1st October 2015: 9:07 am.

I was holding this child’s hand, the child that wasn’t mine, and I was wandering through all the madness when I had lost Barbara. This little girl was wearing my daughter’s uniform.

There was something familiar about her, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. But I didn’t care, she wasn’t mine. My daughter was out there somewhere and I didn’t even know why she wasn’t with me, but I knew that I had to find her.

I raced down the stairs. I didn’t want any confusion this time; before I’d been using Barbara’s straw hat as a guide to reassure me that she was with me at all times. The station felt hotter than before, my heart was racing, I couldn’t see or even think straight as I thought about someone standing next to me earlier. Did they have a daughter with the same uniform? Through the crowd did we exchange children?

I shouted as I tried to catch my breath as soon as I got to the gates, the same one that I’d been through before.

“Did you see her?”

I saw the same blonde attendant who had let me in. Yet, this time she wasn’t smiling, but had a look of concern as she crossed her eyebrows, probably confused by my question. I had a feeling that if I looked into a mirror, the same look would be plastered on my face as I let go of the little girl’s hand. I no longer cared if she was lost or not, because she wasn’t mine. I’d held on to it, thinking that it was Barbara.

My daughter.

The one that I was supposed to take school.

“My daughter, Barbara. The one that I came through the gates with when you let us in. That’s it. It must have happened when you told us to go through the gates. I must have lost her then.”

She pointed to the girl that was next to me, the one that wasn’t mine, and said, “But she’s there.”

I shook my head. “You don’t understand, she’s not my daughter. She can’t be. My daughter’s blonde. Like you and I.” I nodded my head for her to realize that I was making sense, that I hadn’t suddenly lost my mind.

“But, she has blue eyes, that shine like the sky on a clear day…” she interrupted me as I was talking about Barbara. Thinking about her sweet innocence that could be lost if I didn’t find her soon. London was full of perverts and rapists. Oh God, please let me find my daughter now!

I didn’t care about school. They could send me a fine. I didn’t care.

I just wanted Barbara. As I started to panic, my words weren’t coherent. My mind was like a tidal wave and, for the first time in four years I craved heroin. Like a newborn baby craving their mother’s milk. That was the only thing that could get me through the deluge that was occurring in my head right now.

“Miss, you need calm down.”

No, she needed to fucking listen.

I placed my hands on her shoulders. She had to focus on me. No one else. Nothing fucking mattered, but what I had to say to her.

“My little girl’s missing!”

She shook her head. “You came through here, maybe five minutes ago. With your little girl.” She pointed to the brown-eyed girl that was sniffing beside me. I could hardly bear to look at her, every time I did, it was a reminder of the fact that Barbara wasn’t by my side.

The crowd was pushing, wanting her attention, but I wasn’t going to stop talking to her. I needed my daughter. Not this girl and I wanted her now.

“It doesn’t matter how long ago, it was,” I cried, holding on to her. “She’s not my daughter. My baby girl is out there. Listen. She has blonde hair, blue eyes. She’s about so tall...” I let go of her so that she could understand what I was saying. But both of us were distracted as the little girl was no longer sobbing, but becoming hysterical. “I want my mommy!”

The lady looked at me as if she’d seen a ghost as she gasped and started to shake her head. I could tell that she was starting to see things from my point of view. She lowered herself and asked the little girl, “Is this not your mommy?”

The girl hesitated for a while. She wiped her tears which were replaced instantly with new ones before she said the word, “No.”

I didn’t have time for all these dramatics. Barbara was out there, someone was calling my phone. I shouted out, “She’s been found!” Frantically, I went through her backpack and then my purse trying to find my phone.

If I had been paying more attention I would have heard the words that were coming out of the little girl’s mouth. I would have heard her tell the attendant that I took her. That she didn’t know where her mom was, but most of all I would have heard her name.

As I found my phone and picked it up, for the first time in forever, I didn’t want to hear the voice on the other end.

“You taken her to school yet?”

I dropped my phone at hearing Will’s words. Not only hadn’t I taken Barbara to school, but she was lost. Someone picked up my phone. It didn’t break or even shatter, it just made a sound so sharp that the little girl covered her ears. I wished it had crashed and Barbara would have run into my arms. I was starting to hallucinate, the same way that I did when I used to take drugs. I would pretend that something nice was happening, something I could deal with, and that meant my reality would become a thing of the past, because I couldn’t deal with anything that was happening to me at the time.

The problem was it had been four years since I took drugs.

I hadn’t hallucinated in a long time.

This was my reality and I couldn’t go back to the person I was back then: a woman who didn’t care about her life, let alone her only daughter.