Chapter 18 HIDDEN FEARS PART 2
Saturday evening settled into Vivienne's apartment like a heavy yet warm blanket. Vivienne folded the last of Noah's t-shirts and put it on top of the neat stack on the coffee table.
She had spent the afternoon in a frenzy of housework, cleaning the bathroom tiles, organizing the kitchen cabinets, and folding the laundry. The mindless tasks should have kept her busy, but the meeting on Monday was on her mind, and she couldn't stop thinking about it.
It was too quiet in the apartment. No cartoon sounds, no footsteps, and no endless questions about dinosaurs, space, or how tall buildings stay up.
After lunch, Noah had gone into his room and hadn't come out since.
Vivienne looked at the clock and saw that it was 6:37 PM. The quiet from his room lasted too long.
This isn't like him.
She put down the laundry basket and stopped outside his door to listen.
Nothing.
Not even the sound of pages turning or pencils scratching. She placed her palm on the cool wood and gently pushed it open.
"Hey, Noah?"
He sat on his bed with his legs crossed and his sketchbook in front of him. Colored pencils were all over the place. He didn't look up when she came in.
"What are you working on?" Vivienne kept her voice soft as she got closer.
Noah's pencil was moving all over the page. Dark strokes spiraled. A small stick figure being crushed by heavy clouds.
The midnight blues, murky browns, and heavy blacks he picked didn't have any of the bright reds and yellows that were usually in his art.
She felt her stomach tighten as she sat next to him on the bed, which sank under her weight. The dark pictures were so unlike him, so different from his rockets and planets.
"Those are cool drawings," she tried again. The words didn't seem enough. "Can you tell me more about them?"
Noah shrugged, which made the storm clouds even darker. "Just stuff."
"What kind of stuff?"
"Thoughts in my head." His voice was small and flat.
Vivienne waited, giving him room to keep going if he wanted to. The quiet between them was like taffy, thin and stretchy. She saw him press down with the black pencil so hard that the tip broke. He just picked up another one.
"Mom?" Noah finally said something, but he still didn't look up. "Are you worried about your new job?"
She was surprised by how direct the question was. Kids notice these kinds of things a lot more than adults thought they did.
"Why would you ask that?"
Noah stopped drawing and finally turned to look at her. With an unsettling level of awareness, Alexander's dark eyes studied her face.
"You've been acting strange all week. When your phone rings, you jump. Looking at doors a lot. I heard you walking around last night. You didn't sleep."
She felt ashamed. She had worked so hard to keep her stress and fear from him. Now she knew that he had been taking it all in, and that he had probably turned her worries into these dark drawings.
Noah asked another question, and his voice cracked at the edges before she could think of an answer.
"Are you going to go?"
The words hit her in the chest. "What? Noah, no—"
"Is it because of the new job? Are you going to be too busy? Will someone else look after me?" He broke his pencil between his fingers. "Is everything going to be different?"
Vivienne pulled him close to her chest and felt his small body shake. She put her chin on top of his head and blinked hard to keep the tears from falling. She wouldn't cry. Not when he needed her to be strong.
"Listen to me." She raised his chin so he could look her in the eye. "I will never leave you. Not for any job, not for any reason. You are the most important person in my life. That will never change. Do you understand me?"
Noah nodded, but his face still showed doubt. "Why are you so scared all the time, then?"
Vivienne let out a slow breath. What could she say to him? How much truth could a nine-year-old hold?
"You're right," she said. "I'm a little scared about this new job. Adults have to do things that scare them sometimes too."
"Why would you want to do something that scares you?"
"Sometimes it's worth it to be scared to protect the people you love." She ran her fingers through his hair. "Do you know what bravery is, Noah?"
He thought for a while. "Not being afraid?"
"It's more than that. Not feeling fear doesn't mean you are brave. Bravery is being scared but still doing what you need to do." She held his hand tight. "That's what I'm trying to do right now."
Noah's face lit up a little. "So like superheroes? They get scared, but they still fight bad guys."
"That's exactly how it is." Vivienne smiled. "Being a mom means being a superhero even when you're scared inside."
Noah straightened up, and all of a sudden he felt full of energy. He jumped off the bed in one smooth motion, and his sketchbook fell to the floor.
"We need to practice!" His voice heightened with excitement. "I just made up a game. 'Practice Being Brave!' is the name of it."
"How do we play?" Seeing a flash of his usual self, relief flooded through her.