Chapter 48

I walked around for what must have been hours with no idea where I was headed. I simply walked, my thoughts occupying me. I wasn’t mad at Xander but I wasn’t happy with him either.

I knew my father wasn’t the best parent, not even close but he was the only parent I had. There were times when I’d tried to be mad at him or hate him but I couldn’t find it in me to and instead, I tried to understand him even though it made no sense. Maybe it was because of my fear of abandonment after my mother left without me, maybe it was an overly sense of appreciation for the parent who didn’t leave me.

All my life it felt like I had to overcompensate for my mother’s absence. I convinced myself that this man who treated me this way was human before he was my father and this was how he knew how to deal with his emotions. I was young and it was the only way I knew how to make sense of anything that happened.

My life with my father and Miranda hadn’t been rosy but they’d sheltered me and kept me in for as long as they could; my mother had left me.

So as much as I wanted to hate them, hate my father, I couldn’t find the resentment in my heart and it made me feel weak and pathetic because I should hate them but instead all I felt was an overwhelming sense of pity for both my father and myself.

Xander didn’t know all of these, including rationalizing it to myself so I couldn’t rationalize it to him either. I didn’t blame him for calling me a coward because I knew that was what I was but it didn’t mean hearing it come from him didn’t sting. It stung so much because I didn’t want him to look at me with the same ugly eyes I’d looked at myself with for so long.

I settled down at the park bench and watched the people who went about their lives without a care in the world. The skies began to darken as the sun fell and the park’s population began to slowly change into twos, couples strolling with their dogs, couples laughing and talking, couples setting blankets and cuddling.

I let out a sigh and covered my face with my palm just as my phone vibrated and I ignored it when Xander’s name flashed on the screen. He’d been calling for the past few minutes but I didn't want to talk to him, I wasn't ready to.

I called Harper and told her everything that had happened. She didn't know the true depth of my relationship with my family and I wasn't ready to go in-depth so I gave her the basics she knew and could understand and I told her about Xander and Donovan.

“That's horrible, Kathleen. I had no idea about this Donovan man. How could your family do that?”

I smiled sadly. “I'm over it, Harper. I've had the last months to accept that it happened, I truly do not expect much anymore.”

“So why are you angry at Xander?” she asked.

“I'm not,” I said quietly.

“Yet you are outside because you do not want to be in the same space as him?”

I hated when Harper read through me, she was always right

“I just need space from him,” I said, “I need to sort out this because my head is a mess right now.”

“I understand but I need you to know that it's okay that you don’t feel animosity toward your father. It doesn't make you weak or stupid, Kathleen. You are not stupid, you've just always had a soft heart that envelopes everyone wholly and that's what makes you Kathleen. Don't hate that part of you, Don’t hate any part of yourself, okay? Because I love you, every single bit of you.”

As she spoke, tears ran down my face and Harper stayed with me on the phone as I cried, saying nothing until finally, my tears subsided.

“I'm here for you,” She reaffirmed. We finally ended the talk and I got up and headed out to get a cab.

I sent a quick text to Xander and I took a cab to the hotel, stopping by a store to get pajamas set for the night. I got into the hotel, paid for the room, and went upstairs where I went straight to the shower.

***

He’d ruined everything. Xander stood by the door, his hard eyes glued to his phone screen, reading the displayed words over and over again:

“I'll stay in a hotel tonight. I just need to be alone right now. Please, understand it has nothing to do with you.”

But of course, it did. It was his fault for talking to her like that. He shouldn't have allowed his rage at her father to consume him so much and he should've handled his emotions better. Now he'd only served to further distance herself from him because, like the bastard he was, he didn't know when to shut the fuck up.

He exhaled and went back to the living room, discarding his car key. He'd been on his way out to search for her when her text came in and even now, knowing she was fine, his heart was unsettled. What if Donovan, as an act of vengeance one last time, went after her? What if she fell sick in the middle of the night and he wasn't there? How would he know where to find her if she didn't reach out to him tomorrow? This was all his fault and he had never felt so disgusted with himself like he did now.

It shouldn't matter to him how she handled her father. That was her choice and if she chose to forgive him for how he'd mistreated her, his role was to stand by her and make sure John Miller knew never to lay a finger on her ever again. He was supposed to allow her to make whatever decisions she wanted to and he would simply stand by her and protect her from any harm.

Her father was still the worst asshole to have ever walked but he was her father regardless and Xander had an inkling, the reason Kathleen was so attached to him and forgiving despite his cruel treatment had something to do with the glaring absence of her mother.

If he'd realized that sooner, he would have kept his rage to himself instead of lashing out at her and forcing her to go away from him. She didn't even go to any of her friends from the art studio, she’d found a hotel to stay in.

He thought of calling Lucas and seeing if he could track her card activity to see where she was staying but he shook his head. She wanted space and rightly so, he would give her that even though it felt like he was losing his mind.

Olivia’s call came through and Xander saw it was a few minutes before 8. He let out a frustrated breath and picked up the call.

“Hello, Olivia,” he said, his voice raspy with strain.

“Good day, Mr. Blackwood. I'm calling to confirm if we should still go on as planned. I haven't received any further instructions from you, I'm currently at the gallery making last-minute inspections.”

He ran his hand through his hair. “Just cancel it, Olivia. She's not coming. Shut the place and go home.”

“What?” her voice was filled with shock.

“Goodnight, Olivia,” he said and hung up.

So much for the surprise proposal he had planned. Xander let out a bitter laugh —he deserved the failure and disappointment, he deserved even worse.