Chapter 73 Jessica’s Heart
JESSICA
I sniffled, gripping the handle of my bag on my shoulder as I stared at my mom who was standing at the porch of her bakery which is a few steps away from where I am standing.
She is mopping the tiled stairs as always, dressed in her favorite jeans, pink blouse, and pink apron. She is focused but looks tired.
Perhaps unhappy.
More tears rolled down my face, my heart still weak and so is my spirit.
I don't know how or when everything fell into this.
I feel so broken.
So stupid.
I can't find the courage to walk up to her.
I can't find the courage to do anything.
I feel like the worst sinner on earth.
Like I might be in God's black book right now.
I slept with someone I call uncle.
My dad's best friend.
The worst part is that it is not what is bothering me right now or giving me this much pain.
It's.....
I let him take my innocence. It felt right. It felt so right at that moment.
But he ruined me the next morning.
God, I feel so stupid.
So dirty.
So stupid!
How could I have done that to myself?! What was I thinking?
I lowered my gaze as my heart tightened all over again. More tears filled my face.
I fought the urge to cry out.
I sniffled as I looked in my mom's direction.
She is standing still and wiping her forehead with her wrist.
I really need her now.
I need my best friend. Whether she is my mom or not, she is my best friend. She has always been.
I squeezed my bag hand, wiping my tears mildly and bracing myself before taking steps towards her.
I got closer but stood still.
She was about to continue cleaning.
"Mom," I almost cried.
She looked my way instantly.
My struggles with crying rose to their peak as her face twitched in the mixture of surprise and joy.
"Honey," she called, rushing towards me with open arms.
I couldn't control myself.
I let out a sob as she wrapped me in a hug.
I wrapped my hands around her, sobbing uncontrollably.
She caressed and kissed my hair as I cried.
"Oh, my baby. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus. My princess is back to me," she said, unwrapping me and cupping my tears-filled cheeks.
She furrowed her brows. "What's wrong, honey?"
I resumed the hug without answering her, wrapping my hands around her as the sobs dominated me again and my mind kept replaying flashbacks of the look in uncle's eyes while seated on that couch.
The look was awful.
He called it a mistake.
A reckless mistake.
He sent me away.
He didn't even want to go on the same plane with me.
He was so mean to me.
He is always mean to me.
What did I ever do to him?!
What?
I thought he had finally seen me differently. Like he has stopped seeing me as a kid.
But I was wrong.
I let my stupidity get the best of me.
"It's okay, sweetie," Mom cooed, caressing my hair. "Whatever it is, just know I will forever be here for you."
My heart bled uncontrollably.
I never thought my first time would cause this much pain.
I have sinned against God, my parents, and myself.
I have destroyed myself. My heart aches badly.
"Everything is going to be alright, sweetie. Trust me." Mom said, adding to my guilt as she caressed my hair.
I have no clue if I will ever recover from this.
I really have no clue.
I feel terrible.
AN HOUR LATER
INSIDE THE BAKERY
"Your dad and I were having issues conceiving." Mom went on. We are in the kitchen, seated on the wooden bench close to the wall.
"We found out your dad was the problem but it can be solved."
I stared at her, dry of tears and partly present but still with a weak heart.
"We tried a lot of IVFs and all but they all failed." She lowered her gaze momentarily and then looked at me.
"I suggested we focus on getting your dad treated first. During the treatment, you came along," she said, her lips forming a fulfilling smile.
I couldn't get myself to smile as well.
Her smile fell slowly.
"But um...." she paused, lowering her gaze again.
I stared at her.
She looked at me.
"Your dad couldn't believe he was responsible. He said his doctor told him he can't reproduce yet until he is done with his treatment." She reached for my hand and held it.
"But you were a miracle baby, sweetie. The doctors had their words but you know God has his. And you are his, sweetie," she said, cupping my left cheek.
I smiled slightly, lowering my gaze and looking at her. She is staring at me with that familiar loving look as she holds my hand again.
"So um...." I paused, lowering my gaze as my heart tightened again at what I was about to ask. I looked at her.
"Till today, dad still doesn't believe I am his?"
Her face twitched.
"You are his, sweetie. He is your father," she said in all seriousness and assurance.
"But he doesn't seem to believe that," I said, lowering my gaze.
"Well that's his problem," she said, making me look at her. She is looking away.
"I have been trying to convince him for years now but he has refused to believe it. I am tired and done," she said, letting out a sigh.
"Mom,"
She looked at me.
"Was there someone else?"
Her face twitched. "What?"
"It's okay. I will understand and accept my fate."
"No," she almost blurted. "There wasn't anyone else. Leonard Samuels is your one and only father. Don't ever think of that, okay?"
I nodded slightly.
"Look," she said, shifting closer to me and caressing my hair. "Let's get the DNA done. I want you to see that I am your real mother. Tell me what you need, sweetie?"
I smiled slightly.
"My hair can help, right?"
I nodded, smiling.
"Good. Let's get it done so you will see that there was no woman our lord found worthy of birthing a beautiful princess like you other than me," she said, winking.
I let out a tiny chuckle as she chuckled as well.
"Can we get Dad's hair too?" I asked.
Her smile fell.
"I want to be sure of that too."
She shrugged. "Well, yeah sure but he will have to consent to it right?"
I nodded.
"It's okay. You know what? Let's do mine first then I will talk to your dad later. How about that?"
"That will be great."
"Oh my little girl," she said, wrapping me in another warm hug. I closed my eyes, enjoying her warmth but Uncle Xavier sneaked into my thoughts.
The little break from pain ceased, forcing my heart to ache again.
"Alright," she spoke up, unwrapping me. "David has been asking about his big sister."
I smiled slightly.
"He has been worried sick. Let me pack up so we can go home," she said, standing up instantly and about to walk past.
I held her hand, stopping her.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked, taking her seat.
"Um....I can't go home."
Her face twitched. "Why?"
"I just can't for now."
Her shoulders fell.
"Perhaps after the test result comes out?"
She heaved a sigh, nodding afterwards.
"Okay. I understand," she said, lowering her gaze.
"Besides, I have a night shift tonight," I lied, hoping to ease her unhappiness.
She looked at me. "Of course, sweetie. You gotta work. My pretty, busy nurse." she said, caressing my hair.
I smiled slightly.
"But, I will package your favorite snacks and orange juice so you can enjoy your shift tonight with it," she said, getting on her feet and walking past me.
"Lydia," she called as she walked out of the kitchen.
My smile fell as my heart ached.
I rubbed my arms, recalling last night. It was supposed to be beautiful.
It was beautiful.
But he snapped me back to the cold reality that I had almost forgotten existed.
Tears begged to flow but I looked up, blinking my eyes rapidly but it was no use.
Tears flowed regardless.
I wiped them off.
I couldn't hold it down.
I covered my mouth, sobbing silently.
Oh God, will I ever recover from this?
NIGHT HOURS
AT WELLNESS OASIS HOSPITAL
Standing alone in the elevator, I stared at the door blankly as I went up.
My right hand holding my snack and juice in a brown paper bag, my left hand in my pocket, and my eyes dry of tears.
Heart still weak.
I guess it is going to remain that way forever.
Sighing, I sensed the elevator stopping but I hadn't reached my floor yet.
The door beeped and it opened, revealing Michael.
We locked eyes instantly.