HE

HE
 He  kicked his head backwards in a laugh that was neither cruel or condescending, he was amused, and I didn’t really see what was funny about this situation, swallowing the ball of anger that had lodged itself inside of my throat. Blinking, I decide to humor him, I steeple my fingers in front of me, I turn away from him, his previous statement jumping around inside my head.
 You will never see her again.
It could mean a whole lot of different things, but I needed to know what he meant when he said it.
 “I don’t have time for your games Richard, tell me what you mean. You stopped sending clues, that is unlike you, give us the next clue if you won’t be telling us anything.”
 He smiled broadly, for a second I forget what he said about not being brothers last night, shaking the thoughts away, I focus on him presently.
 “I am the clue! How didn’t you get that?”
I stare at him, his words from last night, his actions over the years, and I see it now, he was angry, all of the things he had done was a cry for help that I ignored, that I thought were wicked antics, his father’s genes, all the while he needed someone to pull him out the way I had pulled myself out.
 “And how am I supposed to use that clue?”
He sighed and sunk into his seat,
 “Why did you lie to her? She told you how much she hated lies, if you love her so much as you have said, why did you do the one thing she despises?”
My eyes fall in front of me, the guilt racking up my entire system, my head spinning with thoughts.
 “I was foolish... I wanted to win against father so much that I ruined the one thing that mattered the most to me, and it was only after she walked out, that I realized, I didn’t need father’s approval for anything he was after all a bad example of an adult.” 
We let out identical dry laughs, and for a second, we were transported to the past, where our only problems was keeping it low enough to not wake him.
 “Well, I didn’t need to hear that sappy story. You wanted to know that she is safe, and she is safe. Unfortunately, she said it herself that she wouldn’t be coming back, her parents betrayed her once, she survived but barely, you betraying her again was the final straw.”
 My eyes bulge,
“What do you mean final straw?”
He shrugs, “How about you find out for yourself?”
I swallow and look down at my hands, they had formed angry fists, I was angry at myself, I had done that to her. Things she shared with me about her life after her parents left, the dreary days and thoughts... she didn’t... she wouldn’t...
 “Do you know where she is?” 
“I might.” he shrugs again,
I exhale hard through my nostrils, my eyes finding the ceiling, I needed a reminder to keep my anger in check.
 “Richard...” I warn.
He raise both hands, palms facing up, 
“I just need you to answer my question for me.”
“What is it?”
He pauses, his tongue darting out to wet his lips,  he blinks several times, his eyes unable to focus, this was a look I had never seen on Richard ever. I realize he was being nervous, he was being cautious, and even if I was impatient, I still myself so I wasn’t tapping my feet.
 “Did you ever... have you ever.. loved me?”
The question throws me off balance, I wasn’t prepared for it at all, and when my eyes land on Joanne and Clay for help, they avoid my eyes and murmur excuses as they file out of the kitchen. Cowards.
 Clearing my throat nosily, my hands immediately go to the back of my head, when we were little, it was easier to discuss feelings, I would ruffle his hair and say love you little brother but now, now when so much time had passed, so many things had happened.
 “You were always a lovable kid... especially when you had peanut butter smeared all over your cheeks.” I chuckle slightly at the memory.
“Baby Richard was adorable, teenage Richard was a pain in the ass, adult Richard even worse.” He says this dismissively.
“Exactly, and every step of the way I loved you, even when you tried to kill me, you will always be my little brother.”
 He let out a chuckle that was painful to hear and sad to watch, he was trying and failing to hide his disappointment.
 “I told you I didn’t want to be your brother.” he says this without conviction.
“There are some things you may not be able to choose, one of them is family, I was lucky enough to be chosen as your brother, and I won’t be taking it for granted.”
 He swallows,
“You make it so difficult to hate you.”
“I heard that’s how family works, think we can pass for a real family anytime soon?”
He cracked a small smile,
 “Depends, if I decide to leave father, would you help?”
I smile, relief ballooning my lungs, I never knew how much I wished for him to leave there until now.
 “Of course, you can even stay here as long as you like.”
He gives me a crooked smirk, 
“Don’t get tired of me.”
“I would never.”
Something passes in his eyes, and then he catches himself before shaking his head,
“Don’t say things like that to anybody. I sent her a text earlier, so this should be her exact location.” he says handing me his phone.
 My heart ached at the mention of her, and he didn’t even say her name. I knew I loved her from the very beginning, she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen, with the purest and the most beautiful soul I had ever seen. There was no grand, eye opener for me, I loved her the moment I laid my eyes on her, and when she said she loved me, I was touching the sky.
 Pushing the accelerator as far as it would go, my eyes land on the sunflowers I had picked, I personally made a bouquet out of them, it sat on the seat she used to sit on, if I concentrated hard enough, I felt like I would hear her laugh.
 The cafe was not packed, it was easy to spot her, she was sitting opposite a man I didn’t recognize, he was taking photos of her, I watch them for a while, my heart thumping in my chest.
 When she leaves, I hang back, following behind her, I watch a girl catch up to her, another person I didn’t recognize, but from what they were saying, she went on a date, and he was her brother. I swallow, I didn’t have any right to be jealous, I knew that, but it doesn’t stop me.
 I go ahead of her, a small kid running along the road catches my eyes,
“Hey little guy...”
He stared at me through his lashes, curious and suspicious,
 “Can do me a favor? Give this to the beautiful lady over and there and here, buy ice cream with that.” I give him the bouquet, and a twenty dollar bill.
 His eyes widen as he runs over to her, she was alone, and when he gives her the flowers, her eyes light up, searching for me, I duck, disappearing from her sight, she was after all, going on a second date with the paparazzi.
 I may have lost her for good.