HE

HE
 All I see is red, even he is surprised when my fist rams into his face, over and over again, I can hear myself screaming, but I can’t tell what the words are, my fist returns to his face just as his eyes shut. I feel someone pull me off of him, I try to shrug them off, but they hold on to me tight.
 “Abed! Stop!” Clay screams, his voice managing to pierce through the fog around my head, my body goes slack and I collapse against the trimmed lawn, my head bowed as I look at my hands in front of me, they trembled slightly. This was the first time in years I lost control like this, this part of me that I hated, the part of me that I desperately tried to shut away. My father was right, I was like him.
 “He said I would never see her again, what does that mean Clay? Did he kill her?” I ask without looking up, I could feel pity and disappointment rolled in one just pouring out of him.
Clay sighed, 
“We could have found out before you... before he became unconscious.”
He was badly hurt? I hurt him that bad? I could hear my father’s taunting laugh in the back of my head, he was right, I would hurt everyone I ever loved, just like he did.
 Clay pulls me up, 
“Whoa, whoa, man... what’s going on?” I ask when I don’t try to pull my weight, we almost fall on top of each other.
“He never tried to hit me back.” I say, my eyes finally going towards where he was supposed to be, the space was empty.
“We took him inside, it is getting cold, we should go inside as well.” he explained, heaving me up one more time.
“We have to find Rachel though.”
“We will, tomorrow, when he wakes up, he is the only person who knows where she is.”
Accepting this explanation, I follow him inside, a faint metallic smell hits me, Richard’s blood, swallowing, i force myself to move forward, making a promise to myself that the second I find her and she was okay, I would leave, I was a danger to everyone if I continue too stay here, I would not be like him, turning out to intentionally hurt others was the one part of him I would not take, so the best thing for everyone was for me to leave.
 As we entered the living room, Joanne takes a tiny step backwards, I don’t think she knows she did it, but it solidified my plans, my time with them was limited, I knew that, it doesn’t make it hurt less though.
 “I will sleep here tonight.” I say stopping at Rachel’s room.
“Are you sure?”
I swallow thickly, and push myself off him, offering what I hope was a calm smile,
 “Positive.”
He looks like he wants to say something more, but he swallows it and just nods, bids me good night before shuffling towards Joanne, I hear them whispering but I don’t make out the words. I know they would have kept Richard where they could keep an eye on him, and that was fine with me.
 Her scent hits me when I enter the room, memories of her was etched into every inch of the room, choking me, I stay pressed against the door as the memories of her first night here plays in my head.
 She had passed out not long after signing the contract, I had touched her skin for the first time that night, when I carried her bridal style out of the bar, I felt at peace, complete, and at the same time at the top of the world, I felt like I could accomplish everything, and then I went and messed it up.
 Sinking into the floor, I didn’t want to ruin signs that she was here, she was real and she happened, I didn’t imagine any part of it. Laying on the floor, I prayed to whoever was listening that she was safe, like she would have been if she hadn’t met the disaster that was me.
 Someone was knocking on the door, the sound grating on my nerves, the knock had turned frantic, as they tried the door handle, my mistake was not locking the door, they pushed the door open, a tiny creak that their gasp comes through, the door was open as wide as it would go with my body blocking it.
 “Clay! Come quick! He is on the floor!” Joanne says panicking,
Clay descends on the door right as I was saying I was fine, they had to shut the door before all of her scent dissipated out of the room.
  “Shit. Ab?”
“I didn’t die overnight.”
He groans and Joanne let out a shaky breath, 
“Why are you on the floor then?”
Knowing them, they won’t leave, so I get up instead, it was already morning, and I can’t remember falling asleep, only tossing and turning as memories of her in this very room flooded my memories.
 “I made pancakes, it won’t taste the same as yours, but you would have to eat. And yes, I used your kitchen, if you want to have enough strength to fight me about it, you have to eat the pancakes.”
 I offer a tiny smile at her in appreciation, but I wasn’t hungry and I had no appetite, I wasn’t going to tell her no, she looked like she was trying to be friendly again, I wasn’t going to mess up her efforts.
 The pancakes could have tasted like shit or the best thing I ever tasted and I would not have known, I shoveled the whole thing down, not pausing to taste it, food was going to be bland if I was not eating it besides Rachel.
 “Wow, I should open a breakfast place if I am that good.” Joanne says in amazement, her eyes on my empty plate.
Clay meets my eyes and I see amusement in them, he had finally gotten some sleep, thank the lord.
 “You guys, where is mine? I am hungry.” Richard’s whiny voice reaches us.
Like the bad omen his father is, the atmosphere darkens with his presence, Clay pushed his plate away, Joanne has a scowl on her face, but her eyes dart worriedly between us brothers, but I wasn’t going to hit ever again. Or anyone for that matter.
 “You are awake.”
“You sound relieved.” He says, pulling out a chair at the breakfast nook, he was clean, but his clothes were dirty, his face a color palette. I swallow down the guilt. His left eye was swollen shut.
 “I would. Can you tell me where she is?”
He inhales through his nose and exhales heavily through his mouth,
“Do you love her?”
The question wasn’t new to me, Clay had asked numerous times, and each time I dodged it, this time though, this time was different, the answer would lead me to finding her.
 “I have always loved her, from the first day I saw her, to this very day, she was the first person I ever loved, and would be the only person to make me feel the way she does, since I fall in love with her every second of my life.”