Chapter 142 Chapter 142

Chapter 142 Chapter 142
Because the truth was: Ravi could never be good enough, not for someone like Denis.
“Ravi,” the blonde sounded pained. It made Ravi want to scream. “Please. Just be happy. Move on. Play rugby.”
He said nothing, too busy bleeding out on the ground as he listened to Denis one last time. He tried to memorise the voice, the slight drawl, the smooth tenor. The blonde’s breaths were even, if not shaking slightly on the exhale. Ravi had just thought he would have more time. 
He wished he’d gone with the blonde to the helicopter to say bye the last time he’d seen him. They’d been so close, their hearts beating in rhythm. If he’d gone with him, he would have picked the blonde up, sweeping him off his feet as he’d hugged him close. Breathing in the scent of vanilla and crisp air. 
Maybe he could have kissed him? Right there on the helicopter platform. Could have put his hands in his hair and ruffled the blonde strands. Caught his silver gaze and smiled at him without holding back. Denis would have smiled right back, a brilliant beam that showed off his even teeth and made his eyes crinkle. With a raised eyebrow, the blonde would have said something like: “Why are you smiling like that?”
Ravi would have simply kissed him, hard and proper. Would have held him close as he enjoyed the last moment of unfiltered happiness he would ever experience. 
“You,” he would have said. “You make me smile like this.”
The picture was so vivid he could almost sense the way Denis felt beneath his hands, the way his plump lips cushioned Ravi’s.
Now, the rugby lad laid in the grass, listening to Denis breathe on the phone. His flesh had peeled from his bones, his ribcage had ripped open, and his heart had irrevocably been torn to shreds. He loved him. He just loved Denis so much.
“I want you to be happy too.” Ravi was not doing a good job of hiding the way he was moments away from shattering. But he tried to be brave. He wanted Denis to have good things, even if those things did not include Ravi. “You’re brilliant. So brilliant.”
They were silent. The soft sounds from the party leaked into the air as Ravi kept breathing against his palm, the condensation clinging to his skin, the inside of his hand damp. There was a lump lodged in his throat, just waiting to be let out. But he refused – not yet .
Someone called Denis’s name, or rather, someone called Mr Arnold . Denis answered, something about being ready in a minute. Ravi blinked rapidly, tears pouring anew from his eyes. The night was finally cast in shadows.
“Bye Ravi.” 
He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to let go. Gods, this was happening too fast-
“Bye Denis,” he choked out the words.
Denis hung up.
Ravi inhaled as he let the phone drop from his hand, falling into the grass. 
He filled his lungs to the brim, his chest burning as he held the air for a beat. Then, the first sob broke through his defences, the lump escaping his throat, sticking behind his teeth like glue. He crossed his arms over his face, lips resting in the V of his arm. He screamed, the sound caught in the soft cotton of his sweater. 
It didn’t seem like enough. And so he screamed, again.

It was late when Ravi returned to the party. His head was pounding and his voice was hoarse, but he did not care. People stepped out of his way when he walked into the Badger dorm. He glanced at the students staring at him with wide eyes, ignoring them as he set his sights on the common room. 
More students had arrived at the party, transforming the open space to a hodgepodge of moving bodies. The confines of the room overflowing. Music blasted through the speakers and students hollered over the beat of the heavy base. Ravi walked towards the kitchen in sure strides, making his way through the crowd with square shoulders, bumping into bodies hard if they didn’t move in time. Some students turned, their indignant “Hey” dying on their lips as they laid eyes on him. They’d then scramble to get out of his way, gaze subverted. That suited Ravi fine.
He made it to the kitchen, the wide counter filled to the brim with bottles in a rainbow of colours. Without hesitation, he reached forward to grab a beer, popping the cap using his thumb. No need for an opener. The taste of fizzy bitterness was awful. He hated it, but, at the same time, he craved it. He downed the first bottle quickly, inhaling the liquid with a speed that bordered on desperate. It was obvious he was not drinking to have a good time – he was drinking to get wasted. 
There was a pocket of space around him, students staying out of his way as he twisted off the cork of an absolute vodka, throwing back a mouthful of the burning drink. He felt how it went down his throat, leaving numbness in its way. He allowed the empty container to fall onto the table, already reaching for the next one.
He was on his good way to getting properly smashed. Breathing was easier, his mind dulling as the sound of the music warped in a funny sort of way. People were still keeping far away as Ravi slowed his drinking, sipping on an Imperial Stout. He grabbed the counter, his balance off.
“Mate.” A familiar face appeared beside him – freckled nose, red hair, Sebastian. 
Ravi didn’t answer, but he blinked a couple of times, cursing himself for not wearing glasses. His lenses were itchy and dry.
“Mate, what is going on?” Sebastian was talking to him with a smile stretched across his face. But the smile was odd. It didn’t reach his eyes. Not that Ravi cared, he cared little about anything at the moment.
“Drinking.” His voice was hoarse, like he’d been chain smoking for the last five years. Maybe he should try that? Nicotine seemed like a good drug to get hooked on tonight.
Sebastian's smile turned strained as he threw an arm over Ravi’s shoulders, talking to him with a careful voice. The tall rugby lad didn’t particularly care for the redhead’s soft words. He wasn’t fucking fragile.