Chapter Two

Kieran was eleven years old when he find himself attracted to boys. Noong una ay hindi niya naiintindihan ang sarili niya. Pakiramdam niya ay hindi siya normal at may mali sa kanya. Pero paglipas ng mga linggo at buwan ay unti-unti na niyang naiintindihan ang sarili niya.

Naging maingat siya dahil alam niyang hindi pabor sa kasarian niya ang kanyang ama. Being gay is forbidden to the family. Bata pa lamang si Kieran nang nagsimulang istrikto ang daddy niya sa kanila ni Arthit. Mahigpit na ipinagbabawal nito na huwag silang makipagkaibigan sa mga batang homosekswal. Hindi niya naiintindihan ang kanyang daddy and his rule governing sexuality.

His dad told them that homosexuals are plagues, morbid, and promote sin in society. Mr. Pornthip strictly checks the classmates of his sons if he suspected that there’s a student who is a faggot and if a teacher always talking about sexual orientation and preferences. Mr. Pornthip will immediately transfer his sons to another school. He hates people who embedded gayness into his sons’ young minds.

Wala pang homosekswal sa kasaysayan ng pamilyang Suttiprapha. Unfortunately, Kieran considered himself that he was the first gay in the family. Alam niya ang maaring penalty niya kung malalaman ‘yon ng pamilya niya lalo na ang kanyang daddy. 

He was supported by his dad. Lahat ng gusto niya ay ibinigay nito sa kanya. But Kieran was aware when his dad find out his secret, he will be hated and will be considered a disgrace in the family. Kieran lived in fear and misty doubt.

Kieran knew one can be born of being gay or bisexual, and later at the right age, they realize it, or even as early as seven years old, one can be satisfied and overwhelmed while others humiliate themselves. Kieran was very happy the day he finally understands and accepted himself kung ano man siya. He was feeling special. Alam niyang walang mali sa kasarian niya.

At a young age, he already knew what is intimate love, and the feeling when you’re in love. Lahat ng ‘yon ay kanyang natutunan hindi lang dahil sa mga boy’s love movie na lihim niyang pinanood kundi dahil na rin nahulog ang loob niya sa kaibigan niyang si Hardin.

Falling in love with his best friend wasn’t difficult. He loves everything about Hardin. The latter was unaware that it was him the one that Kieran wanted to spend his whole life with. But it seems impossible. Everyone knows that it’s completely wrong. For others, that is a kind of perversion act and recalcitrance. Pero kaya ba niyang tanggihan ang tinitibok ng puso niya, ang taong pilit isinigaw ng damdamin niya?

Hardin animates all his thoughts. Gabi-gabi si Hardin lamang ang tumatakbo sa kanyang isipan. Hindi niya maikaila ang sayang nararamdaman niya sa tuwing nakikita niya si Hardin, at sa tuwing niyaya siya nito sa kuwarto nito para doon sila maglaro.

“Pee?”

“Khrub?” Tumigil si Hardin sa ginagawa nitong pag-solve ng puzzle at tumingala para salubungin ang mga tingin ni Kieran. Kasalukuyan silang nasa loob ng silid ni Hardin.

“Have you ever fallen in love?” ayaw sana niyang itanong kay Hardin ang tanong na ‘yon dahil nahihiya siya pero paano naman niya malalaman kung na inlab na ba ito o hindi pa kung hindi naman siya magtatanong.

Hardin smirked. “Too young, Nong.”

Nagpakawala siya ng isang buntong hininga. “I’m just curious. What does it feel to have special someone?” what if Hardin tells him that he’s in love with someone else? will Kieran end up hurt? He sitting there keep looking at how Hardin’s lips moving, parted to say something.

“Tell me, Kieran. Are you in love?” tanong ni Hardin.

Kieran shook his head. Hindi niya kayang sabihin na in-love na siya sa kaibigan, at special ito sa kanya. Paano ba niya iyon sasabihin kung alam niyang para sa iba ay masama iyon. Kieran was scared with his thoughts, what if Hardin is one of those people who hate bisexual or gay, who hates two men in love?

“Love sometimes confuses you. Kaya nga tinatawag ang love as sweet poison. And if you’re in love and feel that the person you whom in love with doesn’t care, then stop. Hindi natin mapipilit ang isang bagay in the way we wanted it to happen.” Yumuko si Hardin at ipinagtuloy ang pag-solve ng puzzle.

Tumango lamang siya sa sinabi nito. Kung umamim siya sa oras na ‘yon, Hardin will beg him to stop. Isang rason kung bakit, ay dahil pareho silang lalaki. Kieran knew that Hardin is attracted to girls hindi sa isang tulad niya.

Lahat ng kanyang nararamdaman ay isinulat niya ‘yon sa kanyang munting diary. Maingat niyang itinago iyon kahit pa kay Arthit. Patay siya kapag makikita ng daddy niya ang kanyang diary. Tumayo siya. “Khun pen khon pi sèt sam ràp phom.” Nakaguhit ang isang matamis na ngiti sa kanyang mga labi

“Huh? What does it mean?” tanong nitong nalilito.

“You will understand soon.” Humakbang siya sa pinto. He turned to Hardin at nagpaalam. Umuuwi siyang nakayuko na parang talunan mula sa isang labanan. Pagdating niya sa kanilang bahay ay nakita niya ang kanyang daddy sa sala. Nakatingin ito sa kanya nang matalim. Hindi niya alam kung bakit.

“You are a disgrace to the family,” sambit ng daddy niya sa mataas na boses.

Tumigil si Kieran sa pag-akyat sana sa itaas sa kanyang kuwarto. Bumaling siya sa kanyang daddy. Kieran was shocked nang makitang hawak ng daddy niya ang kanyang diary. Paanong nasa kay daddy niya ‘yon?

“Kieran, come here,” pasigaw na utos nito.

He swallowed repeatedly. He was afraid. Nakayuko siyang dahan-dahang naglalakad sa kinauupuan ng kanyang daddy.

“Tell me about this thing, Kieran,” wika nito sa mataas na boses. Galit na galit. “Kung hindi ito ipinakita ni Nuea ay hindi ko malalaman ang sikreto mo, st*pid.”

“D-dad,” he said stuttering.

“You’re fag, Kieran? shameful, you don’t even deserve to bear my last name. You should understand your role as a son.” Mr. Pornthip clenched his teeth.

“I’m so sorry.” Kieran cried.

“How come my favorite son is disgusting fag? You fool yourself, Kieran. You’re loathsome. I hope you’re dying when you are in your Mae womb. Why don’t you just disappear? I raised you to become a man. Jerk.”

Humikbi siya habang pinunasan ang basang pisngi. He wished to vanish permanently.

“Son, you make me sick. I’m sick and sick of you. I didn’t raise you to become a fag.”

“It wasn’t my fault, Dad.”

“St*pid, not your fault? At sino pa ngayon ang may kasalanan? You blame me, and your Mae? We raised you well, Kieran.” Nagpakawala ng isang malalim na buntong hininga si Mr. Pornthip. “Are you crazy? isa kang kamalasan Kieran.”

Tumayo si Mr. Pornthip at mahigpit ang pagkahawak nito sa magkabilang balikat ni Kieran. “Stay away from Hardin or I’ll ask that kid personally to stay away from you. I will teach you a lesson. Don’t bring shame to the Suttiprapha family.”

Tumango lamang siya at ‘yon ang tugon niya sa sinabi ng daddy niya. Hindi niya inaasahan ang biglang pagsampal ng daddy niya sa kanya. Mainit at masakit ang nasampalang pisngi niya. Malakas siyang itinulak ng kanyang daddy dahilan para matumba siya sa sahig. Naiwan siyang nakahiga sa sahig at ang sakit-sakit ng kanyang nararamdam. Lahat ng salitang natanggap niya mula sa kanyang daddy ay tila alcohol sa preskong sugat niya sa dibdib. Pakiramdam niya ay may matalim na kutsilong humihiwa sa kanyang puso. The world has blown up to Kieran. He finds himself screaming and helpless.

ISANG linggo na ang nakalilipas wala na siyang komunikasyon kay Hardin. Hindi rin niya ito namukhaan ni minsan isang segundo sa isang linggong ‘yon. Paano kasi ay ikinulong siya ng kanyang daddy sa loob ng kanyang silid. Muli siyang nabuhayan ng loob nang sa wakas ay pinayagan na siyang lumabas ng kanyang silid. Ang unang naisip niya ay bisitahin si Hardin.

When he reached the gate of the house where Hardin and his Mom lived it was locked. Sinubukan niyang tumawag mula sa labas and an old woman meddled informing Kieran that Hardin and his mom were not in the house anymore. Uuwi na ba sa bansang Pilipinas sina Hardin? bakit hindi ito nagpaalam sa kanya? muli na namang naglandas ang mga butil ng kanyang mga luha. Pero dagli niyang pinunasan iyon nang may lumapit na mga batang lalaki sa kanya.

“Hey, join us playing basketball,” sambit ng isang batang lalaki.

“No, he can’t,” said the other one. “He’s a fag and he may flirt with us. He was sick, khun Mae told me to stay away from him.”

“He’s gay?” tanong ng unang bata kanina.

“Yes. Look, he’s sissy. He’s f*cking faggot.” Ibinato nito kay Kieran ang hawak nitong bola at tumama ‘yon sa dibdib ni Kieran.

“Hùp bpàak!” (Shut up) he said with a scowl.

Napailing na lumayo siya sa mga ito. Why is being bisexual or a gay curse? How could he deal with his homophobic dad, and being surrounded by hate and discrimination? Of course, when he understands himself he is ready for the challenge and pressure of society, but he has the right to live and not to discriminate against by every one.

Mabuti na lamang at kaya siyang intindihin ng kanyang mommy and his older brother, Arthit. Wala siyang ibang hihilingin kundi ang tanggapin siya ng kanyang daddy kung sino at ano man siya.  Pero sa tingin niya ay imposible ang hiling niya. He bite his lip in agony as he whispered Hardin’s name.

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Thanks for reading!