"Your hair looks incredible, by the way," I said, trying to cheer Cearra up. I'd been meaning to tell her that all afternoon, but the principal's office didn't feel like the right time. Cearra sighed and stared down at her textbook. She'd been forced to give up her cell phone too. Her younger siblings blew past us like a hurricane, screaming that they were hungry. They got kicked out of the kitchen seconds later, after being told that collecting us from the principal's office was the reason why dinner was late. That made us very unpopular. "Hey!" Cearra yelled at her little brother after he threw a lego brick at her. A mini-Luke in the making. After the sibling storm passed, Cearra leaned over the table and peered into the kitchen to make sure her parents were busy cooking. Then she slid out of her chair and came over, "We need to talk, girl. I want to see you happy, and I am worried that you're about to make moves you'll regret." "What moves am I going to make?" I asked, peering up over my math worksheet. Cearra sighed and flicked her braids over her shoulder. She sat on my math worksheet. I tried to tug it out from under her. "Listen," she stopped my hand, "That's not important right now. You have the hottest boy in school waging war in your name and you want to break up with him for that?" I felt a chill run through me. "Why are you trying to change him?" she asked, "Luke Dawson has changed plenty enough for you already. From everything I heard, he used to be wild before you came along. You know that everyone's obsessed with him. Aren't you anymore?" "I am," I whispered, not sure how to open myself up like this. My emotions weren't as clearly defined as Cearra's. "He doesn't ask you to change," she added, "Sorry if I'm being blunt but I don't have much time. After you leave the house, I don't know when we'll talk again and my mom's taken my phone," she quickly explained before getting back to her point, "Luke adores you for you. Isn't it a bit toxic to guilt someone into changing for you?" That was blunt. "I love Luke for who he is," I replied, "But being violent is not part of a person's identity. We watched Luke strap a guy to a chair and beat him in public today. Kaden's younger, smaller and physically no match for Luke. That's not a fair fight. So you know what I think is toxic? Letting the person you love behave in a way you'd never allow anyone else to. That's enabling." I can't let love blind me. I can't let my desire to be loved by him change my morals. Bad boys make good tv. It's all about swooning for a hard guy with a soft heart, but that's twisted if it crosses the line. Luke is fair, kind and generous. I know he is. Today his anger and fear blinded him, and I can't encourage that. It doesn't mean I don't love him. It doesn't mean I'm turning my back on him. "When you say it like that..." Cearra scratched the cape of her neck, "But don't you have some sympathy for him though? He keeps trying to save you from everything that's been going on. Maybe if you don't overwhelm him with the problems, he won't feel like you're a victim who needs saving?" Her voice got high pitched towards the end as she tried to make her point gently. She didn't want to hurt my feelings, but I could already see her next point; that I've made everything about me and overdramatized everything going on in my life. "I'm the first person to admit I'm a bit of a drama queen," she offered, "Does a small part of you enjoy the attention? He gets a lot of attention so maybe that's your way of getting his?" Ok. She probably doesn't know what it feels like to be abandoned by parents. The raw emotion of my mom's departure was only a few weeks old and, during that time, it felt like my heart had been smashed to the ground and that my identity needed reconstruction. I felt meaningless when thinking how both my parents decided I wasn't worth sticking around for. Friends can come and go, but it's nothing like the pain of being purposely left behind by a parent. Not to mention, two. She probably also doesn't know what it feels like to wake up at night and find a stranger breaking in and entering your bedroom to hurt you. A home invasion is not a 'light' experience. I have not slept in days because every time I close my eyes, I see the intruder. It haunts me. If she leaned over and looked at the tabs open on my laptop, she'd find 15 pending job applications. I lost my part-time job, and I didn't have enough money for dinner last week. I brought alcohol to school today. I'm scared that I'm breaking down. Addiction runs in my family and I'm scared to be next. Have I said any of that Luke? Have I shared any of that with anyone? People think that you can put a lock on the front door and the nightmares go away. People don't know sh*t. Fortunate is going to school and knowing you have a home to come home to. Fortunate is knowing you can mess up and your parents will help get you out of that mess. It's easy for people to say 'toughen up' but isn't this tough enough? I got up today and I went to school. That's enough of a win for me right now. I haven't gone to Luke's house for dinner when I'm starving, and I haven't asked him to sleep with me when I'm terrified of being alone. I didn't tell him about my job when I first lost it. Because I didn't want to burden him with my problems. He's already burdened enough by the problems he knows. "Maybe I'm selfish," I replied. I do spend a lot of time thinking about myself. "But you know what I hate? These blanket statements like 'never change' and 'always stand by them no matter what'. We all need to change, and we don't need to stand by actions we don't believe in." I need to change too. I know I have issues I need to go through. But who doesn't? "You two should help each other, not bring each other down," Cearra said, "Why not focus on the positives?" "Because this isn't a positive situation," I replied. Why can't we talk about the negatives? Why do we think change is toxic when change can lead to self-improvement? If you can't rely on your closest relationships to help you go through that, how deep is that relationship in the first place? "You would be utterly insane to break up with him," Cearra said, hopping off the table and walking back to her seat, "If you let Luke go, he'll never come back." "That's probably true," I said sadly. I don't want to let him go, but I don't think it'll be my call. I had a feeling that, this time, it was Luke's decision to make. Like Cearra said, there's a lot of drama in my life. I wouldn't blame him if he chose to walk away. "It wouldn't be so bad," she shrugged, opening her laptop, "You'll see him again on TV when he's playing in the NBA." I hope I will - if that's what he wants. "Hey girls," Cearra's mom said, standing at the doorway of the kitchen, "I couldn't help but overhear part of your conversation." "Mom!" Cearra whined, "Not again! How long were you standing there for?! Why are you so nosy?!" "Because I'm your mother," she answered both questions, "And I have some good wisdom in me. As much as you think I'm outdated, I used to hit the dating scene and I've been married for over a decade, so I have a little thing called perspective." "About my relationship?" I asked, halfway between shocked, embarrassed and curious.