I'm Sorry

I wake up face down on the floor in a heap, arm draped awkwardly over my head and limbs splayed out on the hardwood, disorientated, choking on my own blood, and gagging on bile. Gathering my wits and trying to get my bearings, I struggle to move, dazed for a moment and then I remember where I am, and what he's doing to me. Like a rush of water flowing back to a dry riverbed when the damn is breached.

That surge of furious self-preservation, instant awareness as the room comes back at me and I jump up, heart tearing through my chest with elevated thuds, claws appearing, mind a burning mess of mad. Ready to take him on in a battle to the death and fueled by something inside of me that I never knew I possessed.

I feel like my hatred could melt steel, with the heat radiating from my fiery depths and I spin hysterically, ready to demolish my attacker. Body mid turn in furious speed when I realize he is on the other side of the room from me and looking at me like I have two heads. A good twelve feet away at the least and crouching down, panting heavily, as though he too is recovering.

"Noah, Noah. Lorey, calm down, I didn't do anything. Stop and breathe. Take a moment before you start again!” He jumps to his feet, hyper aware of my sudden rise. His palms up, facing me, flat out and he is completely naked, as am I, which only pushes me to heights of venomous hatred.

Claws fully extend as do my teeth and my body shudders as it begins to transform around me, ready to fight him and maim him until this pain inside of my heart starts to ebb. I'm crushed inside, as though my soul is ripped to shreds and hanging around my organs like unwanted trash on the wind. I've never felt this much aggression or blood lust, and I have him fully in my sights. My body tingling all over even though I have no memory of what he has put me through, but enough to know what he intended.

“What did you do to me? Why would you do that to me?” I scream at him, my voice pitched in raw, raspy, hysteria, but he raises his hands higher and pleads with me mentally. His eyes softening, with no attempt to turn, as he watches me at a distance.

Please stop and listen. Let me explain. I haven't, and wouldn't, do that to you. He coaxes gently.

You raped me! I mentally scream back at him, not seeing anything around me anymore, just the pulsing beat of the vein in his throat as I hone in and know where I'll be aiming with my take down bite, I don't care if it ends us both. I'll kill him for defiling me, destroying my trust in him, ravaging my heart and soul this way.

He shakes his head, looking completely devastated and disheveled. Radiating so many emotions my way but I battle them back, like bouncing tennis balls off a glass wall.

NO, I did not! I never intended to either. Lorey, please, sit… I'll stay here, you stay there, and just let me talk. I need you to calm down and listen. Think. Remember.

I'm breathing so heavily my chest is heaving and I can't calm down. Especially not when he's telling me to. He has no right; he can't be serious with this shit after what he just did. He broke the trust, he broke us, he ruined the bond, and nothing will fix that.

My body is on fire, my blood like molten lava in my veins and I can already tell I've turned enough to heal the marks he made on my body because there is no pain and only dried blood. In fact, my complete lack of injury or any sort of niggling physical hurt, tell me I already turned, but I don't know how if I was unconscious, or if that's even possible if you're not lucid. I shake it away and glare hatefully, focusing all my rage on his face.

I hate him so much I can almost taste it. I'll never let him touch me again or come near me. I'll rip his throat out if he tries. He's disgusting and vile to me now and not who I thought he was. An abuser, unworthy as a leader; not worthy as a mate, as an alpha, and not as a misanthrope.

"What did you do? Stop lying" It's a hiss through a sob, a heartbreaking wail of betrayal, a howl from my wounded wolf and I'm completely desolate. I don't believe him; about what he says he didn't do because I don't know. I blacked out while he was on top of me, doing things…. he had no intention of stopping. He said it… He commanded me. He tried to immobilize me so he could finish the deed.

“I had to make you snap. I told you it's what I intended. And you did. It worked……You're amazing…… your gift, baby, it's fucking perfect." There's a moment of joy followed by a frown as he realizes I am not sharing in his celebrations or relaxing from my stance. Instead I Blanche at him in stupefied silence. My brain having a moment and I literally think he might be some kind of sociopath, in denial about what he just did to me…or tried to…or… I don't even know anymore.

"What are you talking about? I blacked out! How would I fucking do anything except lay there and succumb?” another sobbing wail, and Contraltos face completely drops, obvious regret written all over him and the overpowering sense of pain waving my way. I can feel him trying to tell me this isn't how it seems, by using his emotion instead of words. I'm weakening as adrenalin wains, but I won't relent, and try hard to brick up my wall once more, to keep him out.

“The human in you zoned out, not the wolf. You lost control, and you turned, you disabled me completely. You threw me across the room with a strength I couldn't match. You came at me… I swear, you had me running around this room just to stop you tearing me from limb to limb. Complete direct focus and not taking out the house in aftermath, so you're learning to focus it... Lorey, you had me, and I honestly don't think I'd still be here if your energy levels hadn't gone down before I did." Again, with that hint of pride and joy, but my death glare and crouch to pounce mode has him hurrying the words out, realizing he isn't calming me one ounce and I'm ready for a battle, or a second one. I can smell a hint of slight fear coming my way and it only fuels my desire to make him pay. "You pushed all of your rage on my body, and if I wasn't half turned and healing fast, you would have killed me. Do you understand? … Blind sighted, and feral, you would have ended us both…. easily. You got in my head in ways I don't think any wolf has ever been capable and you commanded me to stay down and stop. I couldn't move. You alpha toned me. You took my strength, my command and you turned it and made it a weapon. Baby, don't you see… you've barely grazed the surface of what you can do, and yet you have so much power and potential already. There's a sea of something inside of you, and your eyes, we still need to figure out why they're red. You're not a reject, you're not even a regular pack wolf, you're special, and now we know for sure we can harness it, nurture it, bring it out, so you can control it and show all of them who you really are…… there's a Luna inside of you, and the fates, they gave you to me for that reason. My father can't deny you if he can see this kind of power in you." Colton moves slightly forward, breathless with talking fast, still wary, his hands still up, his eyes locked on mine, but the trust is wounded and I back away. Snarling at him, baring my teeth as I flicker from human to wolf again slowly, panting with shallow breaths as my heart pounds faster and rage and fear claws me apart.

I'm afraid and I don't believe anything he's saying to me even if a logical pull is tugging from the recess of my mind. He stops, looks utterly hopeless and drops his eyes to the floor.

"I know how it looks. I had to make you fight back, and I knew that was a surefire way. I had to see. This changes things Lorey, can't you understand? Our packs are verging on a war where more than ever my mate has to be capable of standing by my side and fighting worse than us. You can absorb my gifts, which means you can absorb any that you come up against, turn them into something more powerful and use them with control. You were right when you said I made a choice and I did... but this is how we change it. My father has to see that you're not a black mark on our people if the fates gave you a gift like this. There's hope that I can have them accept you into the pack and lay claim to what the fates ordained. You as my mate… as we always should have been..." The muscle twinge in his jaw, the flicker of his eyes on mine as he begs me to believe, has me spiraling.

I shake my head at him, so consumed with mistrust, my mind a flurry of conflicting emotions, backing into a corner until I hit the edge of the bed. It startled me and I seem to snap out of my intense focus on him and look around for the first time, really seeing the room.

It's complete devastation; something worse than the carnage at the orphanage and I gasp as my eyes follow the gouges and claw marks running not just across floor, and walls, but ceilings too. There has been an epic battle in this room.

Furniture splayed or tipped over, trashed, or just balancing precariously. The pictures on the wall either smashed to the floor or hanging lopsided, some clawed through where they hang. Everything is destroyed around us. All the bed sheets are strewn across the floor, most ripped and gashed, feathers floating in the air from cushions that no longer exist, and I crouch quickly to grab the nearest sheet to wrap it around myself. Concealing my body fast.

"There's one problem with that little 'hope’… I don't want you to ever touch me again." I snarl out, penetrating him with my glare, a second wave of anger even though I'm beginning to see that maybe partially, he isn't lying to me. He still made me believe he would, he scared me, I can't be sure he would have stopped, and for that few seconds of panic before I blacked out, I was utterly afraid of him. You never do that to your bond.

“You're upset and angry with me. Baby, I would never do that, I swear on the bloodline of my pack. It was killing me to push you that far and I almost gave in because I couldn't stomach hurting you like that. I had to see, I had to force your hand, and now look at you…. standing there, poised for a second round like a seasoned warrior. You weren't that girl yesterday…. You're changing. Coming into your true form and adapting as you do." He looks almost proud and it tears through me, igniting the wrong bomb.

"Changing??? I'm FUCKING furious with you! I'm REACTING, because you're a sick twisted bastard who laid his god damn hands on me in the worst kind of way. I can't ever know for sure if you did stop. I only have your words! And nothing you say means shit to me now." I scream it at him, not caring if everyone in this house hears me blow a fuse and go nuclear. What he's done is forgivable. If we weren't so far at this side of the house, I'm sure a dozen Santos would have been in here already, to see what the chaos and noise from this obvious battle zone was all about.

"You can trust me; I would never do anything to hurt you that way." Colton goes for endearing and submissively calm. It's the wrong thing to say entirely, and I'm already volcanic. He just makes me erupt.

"TRUST? Like I trusted the Santos to take care of their own when our people didn't come home! Like I trusted you to stand for me and honor our bond when we were imprinted…. Like I trusted you to be alone with me in a fucking bedroom and not try to defile my fucking body! Trust, Colton? …. You've denied me, let me down more than once in our lifetime, you fall at every hurdle the second daddy says NO. Maybe Carmen has the right idea and you're not someone I should ever trust. Look at how you discard women and pick them up as you fancy. You're weak, you're no Alpha. Always in your father's shadow. You are the last wolf I would ever trust or choose to bond myself to. Not after this!” My words hit him hard and his face closes up, his muscles in his jaw tensing as his eyes dart to the floor, trying to conceal the wounds I just inflicted upon his heart, but I don't care.

He has never done anything to prove to me I can trust him and imprinting stupidly made me think I could. You don't insult a male's pride and ego, definitely not his strength. Especially not an Alpha, but Colton has not been a man for me, he's been a boy doing what he's told and denying what the fates asked of him.

"Carmen slept with someone else, one of my own brothers of Santo. She said it was in heartbreak and anger, to make me feel the pain I inflicted on her. So no, I didn't just discard her…. I had to swallow all of that and stick to my commitment. I made my choice, but she kept using us as a reason to punish me while conveniently forgetting her sins. Her jealousy and mistrust are her guilt. The imprinting didn't make me indifferent to her… she did. She wasn't fighting the bond or the lure of the fates as I was, she was trying to wound me and that Lorey, is something you never do to a mate. That's why I can't feel anything for her anymore. It's why we're not dating. After the forest, I found out, and since then I haven't been able to feel anything but disdain for her." His pained, low toned words silence me and my anger momentarily; not expecting that mouthful, or the knowledge a femmes would betray a mate with his own pack brother.

That's all kinds of messed up and I can't believe he is only telling me now. Even if his heart was no longer invested, an alphas pride and ego would have been crushed to have been played like that. His respect in the pack will be dented, especially if he never took out any act of revenge on his pack brother to balance the scales. By misanthrope law, he should have publicly shamed her, punished her and his pack brother. Instead he was still trying to fix everything.

With my rage fizzing out and my logical brain easing in to calm my impulse to wreak havoc on him, I slump down onto the floor, completely exhausted and pull my ripped sheets around me in a bid to self-console. My head a blur of what he just said, some weird sympathy for him even, if I should be sill hating his very bones.

“Show me… prove it… that you never…." I can't look at him, the storm has blown out of my sails and I'm tired, but he knows what I'm asking, and he cautiously walks to me. Slowly and surely, keeping his eyes on me as though he expects me to turn and go for him at any second. I can sense his apprehension and that gives me a hint that maybe some of what he said was truth. Something made him afraid, something happened between us and he is taut and ready to defend himself if needs be.

He reaches out when he gets close enough and touches his fingers to my temple, so gently it's barely a graze of a touch as he slides down to his knees, bringing his mind to mine and projects the memory I am missing. I close my eyes and let it flood my mind.

It's as he says. After I blacked out there was a moment of pause, where he stopped, pulled my face to him from the cushions and looked over me, aware I was no longer responding. His voice laced in concern, asking if I was okay and trying to rouse me. Genuinely afraid he hurt me or pushed me too far and that maybe he had stopped me from being able to get air. He turned me over carefully, checked my breathing, leaned in, and tried to stroke my face to wake me, saying my name softly.

It's like I stopped and became vacant and there were long seconds of nothing from me. He released his hold on me, panic rising inside of him, afraid he had done something to me, checked my pulse, stroked my face again and tried to shake me, whispering my name softly. He didn't do anything more to hurt me, just bring me round. When it looked like he started moving to pull me up to sit, so drenched in his concern, I completely exploded, transforming in a blink, like he woke the dormant beast.

My wolf form seemed to combust from thin air, my eyes snapped open, burning red with the rage of Lucifer and then all hell broke loose. Just like he said it did. I was in it for his blood. Relentless, and I don't recognize myself in the memory.

I cringe as the pictures and images show me wounding him in ways an average wolf would never have healed from. I was on him, after him, rolling around as he tried to battle me off, without actually trying to hurt me. Bit him, clawed him, savagely ripped at him, over, and over. I wouldn't relent, and he was right. His power was no match for mine. He had to heal as fast as I inflicted savagery, just to stay breathing and I was a tornado of hatred who was not willing to stop. Delivering a thundering blow, eliciting a yelp from him, so high pitched it hurts even in memory, my ears wincing at the sound.

My claws bedding in his chest, an inch from his heart, which I guess is where I was aiming before my wolf gave up. Unable to stay in form when it's still so new for me and takes so much stamina, I slumped onto the floor, all ability zapped out as I transformed back to girl, passing out in a careless huddle.

Colton crawled from under me, sliding his torn body, yanking my talons from his chest, bleeding out and groaning as he struggled to the wall to turn and save himself. Where I awoke to find him, back as a man, recovering. That's where my memory rejoins what I woke up to.

I have no words, and when he lets me go and sits back on his haunches, I can feel the relief swarming my way that he knows I can't deny what I saw. We can't twist the memories or alter them; he didn't lie to me at all. I saw for myself that what he said was true, I can't deny it in any way. I sit in stunned silence and let it sink in, so hyper aware of his presence, sensitive, but emotionally all over the place and unsure how to feel.

"Imagine what you could do when you harness it and are trained to fight." His words are hushed, his hand coming up to touch my cheek gently and I flinch away from him. Still on high alert, and wary, but also submerged in shame at what I saw myself do. I didn't recognize that wolf as any connection to me. She was feral and relentless, and insanely wild. This is why they never allow us to turn if we can't control ourselves.

"I could have killed you. I tried to kill you." It's uttered in broken shame, my voice shaking and raspy as it all filters through. Steeped in feelings of severe guilt. I can't look at him, but he leans in, sliding his hand under my face softly, tilts my chin up and meets my eyes with his, a smile on that handsome face that shows no anger at what I did.

"The fates wouldn't give me a mate I can't handle. Besides, if I died, you would have too, and we could have been together in the afterlife to carry on without all this drama." That cheeky smirk hits his face, mixed with relief that I'm finally calming down, and a little too cocky that he's winning me over. I can't help the tiny ghost of a smile that twinges on my own lips, a little annoyed that he always seems to be able to draw me out like this. I have no words, and I as go to say something more, his face falls and that serious tone kicks in, cutting into our conversation hastily.

“All wolves have been called to the great hall, immediately" He drops his hand from my jaw and jumps to his feet, all naked glory of him and I avert my eyes, suddenly aware of this fact and instantly shy. He has your typical alpha package going on and it's not exactly easy not to look at. Generally, the males have something to be proud of and Colton is no exception. My face reddens, heat rising up my cheeks, and I huddle myself up, still recovering from this hailstorm we just put ourselves through and now blushing to my core because I ogled him completely naked and realized he's well endowed.

I wait for him to leave, hoping to pull myself together with a little head space and try not to also check out his ass, but he pauses when he sees I make no effort to follow.

"That means you too…. my goal's to have you initiated into this pack, Lorey. No matter what it takes. My father can't keep denying us if you're accepted. We need to have a plan…. steps to being together. I don't want to keep going through the emptiness of the last weeks and denying this between us. What I said in the forest; I was wrong." He shrugs as if he's reciting some bland nothing of speeches and not literally altering everything I thought was happening in the last weeks of agonizing life.

My eyes dart to him, shocked, yet not. Deep down I guess I knew this was his motive and his feelings on where we should end up. I'm just not so sure anymore. The words I said in anger still ring true and my heart is telling me that a bond should be stronger than his father's command. Can't shift that disappointment in him, because I feel like he was too quick to give me up.

I'm a whirlwind of emotions and so much has happened in the last twelve hours that I need some time to let my brain catch up. I've been through trauma, changes, a whirlwind, and I need to process it all. I can't tell which way is up, and I'm no longer in control of a single tiny thing in my own life. Not even where I'll sleep tonight, let alone live tomorrow.

"Come. Please. You can't say here in this mess, and we need to get you some clothes." He stretches his hand to me extending his palm outwards and I brush it away.

“Why can't you let me leave to figure this out of my own. This is the last place on earth I want to be." Tears begin to fall as self-pity hits hard and I guess it's because I'm physically and mentally exhausted too. This is not how I thought my life would go and from the day I turned, it's been hell and heartache all rolled into one.

He exhales heavily, frustrated with me, and yanks me to my feet with a forceful lunge at my arms instead. Pulling me up despite my refusal. Taking charge and not in the mood for arguments.

"Listen to me. I need you to comply for a little while and we'll figure this out, together. I don't want you to go. When this settles I'll go to the orphanage and pack up all your stuff, and we can talk out where we go from there; but right now, I need you to come with me and do as I say." He has that edge to his voice I usually hear when he's leading his pack around. It's the don't argue with me, commanding tone, of Prince. Santo.

What else can I do. I'm technically a prisoner here, with nowhere else to go. I'm on my feet, with a persistent pain in my ass bossing me around, in a house full of people who hate me. I literally only have him on my side to depend on, and only because the fates forced it. I have nowhere else, and if I'm being honest with myself, everything is too messy, my gifts too new, and my mental state a little too on the fragile side to be thinking about going anywhere alone. So, I nod reluctantly.

"Come on then. Stay close to me." Colton turns and leads the way, sensing I don't want or need him touching me and I do as he says. Staying right behind him, clutching my covering and wait while he grabs one, wrapping it on like a toga, and heads towards the door. If Carmen saw us now, naked with ripped bed sheets to cover our modesty, she would only assume the worst and I can't imagine that going down well at all. Shuddering at the possibility she might see us.

Within seconds we're in the hall, moving along the wide passage in semi darkness, due to all the boarded-up windows and lack of lighting and he leads onwards, following some turns and a flight of stairs until we get to the floor below. I was put on the top floor in the far end of the house, away from everyone, and now we seem to be on the third floor, in a brighter corridor with doors all bearing names, and keypads on each.

Colton stops me with an arm, pushes me back around the corner we rounded and hushes me with a finger to my lips as two Santo pack members appear from a door opening, both walk out and head away from us, completely unaware of our presence. He makes us wait a second before leading the way again, halfway down the hall to the third door on the right and turns, using his hand on the pad, scanning his palm as it clicks open. His name's on the door, so I guess this is his room.

"Why are we hiding if you're taking me downstairs anyway?” I ask blatantly, composing myself since leaving that room and he slides an arm around me and shuffles me into the darkened space, pulling me in and closing the door behind us with a last outwards check of the hall. He walks off across the bedroom, towards a set of wooden doors in front of me, sliding them open to reveal wardrobes, and starts pulling out clothes in multiples of two. It's dull in here thanks to boarded windows but light is shining through the cracks brightly now, illuminating enough, telling me daylight has come.

I follow him, taking in the almost Scandinavian, Ikea style, and minimalism of his room. He likes space, and neatness, with very few items cluttering it up. Neutral tones, light woods, plants and lots of floor, and open calmness. It's clean and airy and almost obsessively organized.

"Carmen just needs to know I brought you in here and she'll go nuclear. It's best if I appear downstairs with you, where she's contained, because frankly, my ears, and my head, can't handle her gifts right now. She still thinks we have a future, and I need to talk to her about that." He carries on focusing on clothes, his tone level as though he hasn't just caused me pain with careless words.

It quietens me and that distant heartache and pang of jealousy finds its way back home to my stomach. In all this mess I was starting to wonder if our bond has been dented and if I was starting to feel differently about him. I guess I'm not that lucky, as my heart still seems very attached, despite everything. I'm mad at him, disappointed in him, but yet, I still yearn and love him. My soul still wants and needs him.

We dress quickly, although his clothes are baggy on me, and ill-fitting, but it's better than showing up in a rag and a smile. Following him close to his heel, leaving his room, we make our way down another two flights of sweeping staircase and two other levels before we end up back where I caused such a scene hours ago. That sweeping final stair to the main entrance which is now immaculately calm.

It's a lot cleaner and tidier now the debris is gone, and the front door closed, with the addition of several new heavy-duty locking mechanisms in place. The boarded glass panels are screwed on with braces over them for now, hinting that the threat of another attack is on Juan's mind.

Colton takes my hand in his unexpectedly, sliding strong fingers into mine and leads the way across the vast marble floor into a small corridor that runs away from the bathroom he put me in earlier. I don't reject his touch, needing it now I'm on a comedown of what happened upstairs. Once again vulnerable and out of my depth and clinging to him to take charge while in his domain. Drawing from his strength and ability to swagger through the worst kind of chaos.

We walk down the dark almost claustrophobic space, with voices, noises, lots of movement cascading our way, and follow two Santos we catch up with inside the most crowded room I've ever seen. It's hard to tell how big it would be empty, for its packed solid with adult Santo wolves, mostly male, from all over, even the ones who don't reside in the pack house. Easily over a hundred or so, and they're all squeezed in, fighting for breathing space as we join right at the back, unseen.

There are several elders and the Shaman, right down at the front, standing on a low podium facing back at us all. Men I have never seen before in my life, standing behind them, and I guess these are the older generation of retired elders, coming out in our time of need. Mostly men in here as is the way when dealing with important matters, or females who have no children and are better suited to battle, as all of those who are not are home minding their little ones. Juan Santo is right in the center and he seems to be waiting for everyone to quiet before he starts. The overwhelming seriousness of this cascades around the room, thickening the atmosphere with a heady tension.

Colton pulls me in front of him, placing me right at his chest so he's up against my back, lacing his fingers into both of my hands from behind as they hang by my sides in the darkest of our shadows. He rests his chin against the back of my head, bringing his body to fit snugly into mine, so we are completely joined without it being obvious to those around us. It looks like two people standing close due to the crushing lack of space as our hands are concealed in darkness. He's a good head taller than me, so it's a natural position, and I glance around to see if anyone is staring, but they're all too focused on their alpha king.

"Quiet now" A voice from the front rows hushes the uneasy mumbling and scraping in the room and everyone stops talking, the atmosphere somehow heavier with the forced hush. Juan steps forward, although I can barely see him over the people in front of me and have to stand on my tip toes to get a proper view between heads. There's a moment of pause as he looks around us all, his eyes catching his son across the crowds and I can't miss the fleeting surge of anger as he realizes I'm right in front of him.

I glance away, instantly scalded, landing back down on flat feet, wounded by the penetrating glare and scan the room instead to see if Carmen is anywhere close by. I can't see her thankfully, which means she probably can't see us, and try to sink down further to better conceal myself behind the Santo in front of me. Colton squeezes my hands and holds me closer, somehow letting me know that I should ignore it.

Be still. You're safe with me. He comes through gently, caressing my mind with a tender tone and I exhale dejectedly.

For now, maybe. While they're all distracted with Vampire attacks and end of world foreboding, but my gut says it's temporary. I can feel the hatred lingering in the air from Juan's vicious frown and it unsettles me in every kind of way.

"You all know why we are here…” Juan begins and it's the final push needed to bring a total hush to the room as all completely still, not even the shuffle of moving bodies, and fall deathly silent. It tugs my attention back to him and I peek around the side of the male in front of me to catch sight of him again. "We were attacked by a long-forgotten enemy, and quite frankly, we didn't see it coming and were not prepared. Despite the rumbling of recent months, we didn't honestly expect them to rise and attack in this way and we failed our people. We lost fifty-three of our kind, on the dark side of the mountain, tonight. Forty-seven lost in the battle and six bonded who perished when their mates heart took its last beat."

My heart aches as he says it, visualizing so many of the faces I know went down in that attack. Unlike anyone else in this room, I'm probably the only one who not only knew their names, but what every single one of them looked like, who they were as people, and their ages not only when they died, but when they were first dumped in that hellhole without their loved ones. Memories with all of them, even if they were not close to me. To these wolves, they're just numbers to measure their failures against.

I close my eyes as the tears begin to fall silently down my cheeks, warm unwelcome rivulets of remembrance. The pain returning once more, and I can't stop myself. My heart filling up and straining to contain it as my mind is swamped with images I don't want to relive, and I shudder as I push them away, inhaling heavily as my shoulders start to tremble with the effort of not falling apart. The horrors of how I last saw them all, trying so hard to invade my brain and cut me down all over again.

I nestle back into Colton as his arm comes up around my body and across my neck as he cuddles me. His comfort, because he can feel my pain, my body trembling as I cry, squeezing my eyes shut to gain control. His touch is what I need more than anything and I stay here in the darkness of my own doing, listening and silently weeping while held tight in his comforting embrace.

"We think it was a test, for this device we found in the orphanage." Juan carries on and my eyes rip open at his words, shoving my despair aside as I squirm, wriggling out of Contraltos hug to see what everyone is craning necks to look at. Catching a gap as ones on front move sideways to look where I am.

He holds up a small perfectly square black box, an antenna sticking up at the top but a complete lack of buttons and dials of any sort, that looks harmless. Small and compact, no more than a tissue box in size, with another wire sticking out from the rear about a foot long and doesn't seem to attach to anything to power it. It doesn't look real, more like something a child could make with card and glue and some black paint and I blink at it, stupefied, glaring furiously, and hating that something so insignificant, destroyed my life.

“They chose our weakest and our most secluded and walked right in, depositing this in the center of the first-floor kitchen. We think they wanted to test its effectiveness and still have a fighting chance should it fail. It didn't…. we've only one survivor left from the home and only because of the fast actions of our pack. We managed to take down many of their kind, but a few escaped and will be reporting on their success for sure."

There's a murmur and uneasiness as people glance around at one another in scared question, and I catch the whisper of my name on the hushes wave of sound. The mix of both relief that my survival ensured their own Santo alpha, but also the bitter ones, calling me a reject and querying how I was the one who managed to live.

I catch the low, body vibrating, internal growl from Colton as his protective instinct kicks in at hearing my name and a couple of nearby Santos glance this way, eyes widening in surprise and they instantly stare down at their feet, turning meekly submissive in a flash. Faces darkening with fear and shame at being caught by him of all people. Realizing he's right here, among them, and not down there with his immediate family. I turn away to block them out and stare down at the front instead, mentally blanking them all, because this has always been my life and I'm not that bothered by their remarks.

I catch sight of his grandmother in the shadows when they settle down, a woman who barely shows face but is lingering nearby. Unsurprisingly, there's no sign of Luna Santo, Contraltos mother. She's been absent from view since the wars and rumor has it, she locks herself up in her room on the main floor upstairs and never leaves. No one has seen her in years, and if it weren't for Contraltos memories of her in my head, I wouldn't even remember what she looked like.

Some say she was scarred horribly by the battles, both mentally, and physically, and is too ashamed to come out and face her people. Meeting one of the few things in the world which can leave calculable damage on a wolf, and her mental state has crumbled with the trauma. Only I now know from being inside his head there's some truth to the stories, and there's only a vague blurry visual of Colton being told she's cared for, away from the mountain, because the war broke her.

Those around us turn silent as Juan breaks through the thick atmosphere once again, drawing me away from my train of thought and disrupting my searching of the past for answers to her lack of appearance.

"Testing weapons can only mean we're heading for a war with an enemy we thought we long ago vanquished. They're working on a strategy, and this is just the beginning. There have been stories, rumors, but nothing concrete for many months, although this is now our proof. Civilization as we know it is about to change drastically. We must protect the packs and join with those from other lands, prepare for what is coming. We must unite and finally be ruled by one leader, one voice, to work as one, under my guidance as alpha, if we are to survive a second war like the last."

I shiver as his words begin to hit home, my brain scrambling to fathom something as huge an undertaking as that. We're a dozen packs in one state, but worldwide there are thousands, hundreds of thousands, and most still do not live in peace with the others of their kind. Rivalries exist, and some are still at war with one another, even now with the history of the wars behind us. A common enemy may change that, but there's a lot to do before that can happen.

Packs are destined to want to rule over one another, fight for dominance, forge the hierarchy, and our mountain is not normal when it comes to living in close proximity. It was a necessity, as we recovered from the war of before, our people shattered by loss, so we were more pliable in accepting another pack as our leader. Most of our own alphas never came back to dispute the claim to rule us.

Santos idea, that he will become the only leader and unite us all seems ridiculous, given the vast amount of us in this world he will need to unite. I'm sure there are other pack leaders out there who believe themselves far superior to him. Other dominants with way more ability, and gifts, and it's not in an alphas nature to yield without a fight.

I shiver, my body trembling with all that is dawning on me, how terrifying our future now looks and Colton firms his hold on me, reassuring me as best he can. Trying to keep me calm and be that rock I never knew I needed before I found his touch. I exhale heavily, submerging myself in his body heat and try to bring myself peace.

“We need to put measures in place to protect our mountain from another attack; effective immediately. Allocations of groups, with leaders, will be assigned to those who haven't already had so. We are the reigning pack in Headstone, and they'll all be looking to us now, to lead, and protect them. Training will begin at first light for all old enough to fight, so all of you eat. Sleep. We've already sent small details to walk the perimeters and each of the villages has been ordered to do the same. We'll have guards outside at every hour, keeping watch, and we'll revise a system to improve on all of this, set up drills with how to react should an alarm be raised. This coming few weeks, we'll be moving all surrounding packs into the south side of the mountain, here among our people, for their own safety. We have much to do, there will be upheaval, and chaos, but we must keep our heads. This was a first offensive, and we do not know when they intend to return."

The silence becomes unbearable when his last words fall in the air around us, and the gravity of our situation sits heavy on us all. Some of these men and women are survivors from the first war against the vampires and already paid their dues, but most of us were just children, or young enough to stay behind. We lost so many, and although or numbers have recouped over the years, we're not living in readiness for a fight. We've had relative peace for years, and I have no idea how the hell we're going to get through this.

Bringing us all to one place to live in each other’s pockets, here in the Santo land is going to be madness. We're spread far around the skirts of the mountains and high in number. There are not enough homes to accommodate bringing us all together at this one shaded side, under their command and watchful eye. Not to mention the children, their schools, and their animals on the outer farms. This is insanity.

I feel sick to my stomach, knowing that everything I knew before, my idea of empty living, was in fact the best years of my sad existence. Now we're dawning on a new age, and I'm wishing with all my heart that I could back to being that unworthy reject, in a house full of unwanted, in the shadowy side of our peaceful mountain.

If I could back I would. I would never complain again, never crave a different life, because what we have coming, couldn't be any worse.