CHAPTER 30

Days come and days go by. Nana seldom questions about Michaela’s whereabouts. From what Nate has told her, Michaela has gone home after a long while.

Nate stands in front of the mirror, shaving. While Cassy lies on his bed.

“You need to go back Jon. You have a business to look after.”

“Why does it bother you so much, if I want to stay?”

“You will make yourself sick. You do nothing but spend the day by yourself, sulking in this freaking trailer. This will only make you miss her more.” She says.

“I don’t miss her, for god’s sake.”

“Oh! Really. Than why do you have Andrew spying on her.”

“Shut it Case.”

“What? You thought I could not hear you talking in the stable? Evening after evening? Blabbering something about her? “

“He is not spying on her.”

“Yes. He is.”

“He isn’t Cassy .”

“Don’t you freaking lie to me.”

“Andrew is not spying on Michaela.” Nate roars “He is trying to locate her. That is what he is doing. “ he thrashes the razor into the mirror.

“He is what?” Cassy stares at him in disbelief.

He stares right back.

“He is trying to locate her Case. She is nowhere. He tried reaching out to Edgar but even he does not know where she is. It’s like she has disappeared. I just cannot find her.”

“You shouldn’t have let her go in the first place.”

“ Sure. So according to you I should have sit down with my mother’s lover, and chatted with him over coffee. Great idea Case. And I don’t give that much of a damn about her. I just want the baby. I want the full fucking custody of my baby. I will not let him suffer at the hands of a spineless man and his incompetent daughter.”

“That’s a very rude thing to say Jon. “

“ Couldn’t care less.”

“Yeah right. You don’t care, is it? It’s just for the baby, you’re telling me.”

“Yes it is.”

“ Her belly would be swollen by now. I’m sure. “

Nate stares at his reflection in the mirror. Remembering the way he use to move his hand over her tummy, bite it softly, sometimes even slept on it as if her belly was his pillow.

He misses her.

“She was a kid herself Jon. You need to remind yourself that. None of what happened was her fault.”

But Nate is adamant to his son by himself and nothing and noone but him.

Even though his heart aches at the thought of her, even though he knows in his heart that she is the kindest of all, even though everytime that he wakes up in midnight, his hand searches her. But Nate won’t stoop low for the sake of it.

The company suffers due to Nate's indifference. Something Nate didn't care about. For boreal ye can think about is his child who is rendered fatherless due to Edgar Rosewood.

As months pass Andrew is able to greet Michaela clicked at grass spots where she has been known to have visited regularly by Andrew’s subordinates.

The first time Nate receives one, the tears flow unknowingly. The hurt is real, he realizes. The ache to have to see his wife through lenses. She wore a dusty pink dress underneath a yellow cardigan. Her hair was up in a bun. And in one of her hands was a cup of cold coffee.

Although he wanted to go to get right away, he knew it would scare her and even in donated be inappropriate. Therefore, he waited for Andrew to find out where she lived. It proved to be a rather difficult. It was obvious she was under protection. But if it wasn’t Edgar, then who could the person possibly be.

“I think that man is lying. He did it once, he can do it again.”

“He isn’t lying Case. She wasn’t there in that house, or anywhere that he knew of. He looked sick with worry.”

“But he wasn’t crying or going bonkers. A man who is willing to do anything, go to any length for his daughter. What makes you think he would he so okay without knowing his daughter’s whereabouts? “

Nate squeezed his eyes shut. Even the moon that glowed like a halo over the quiet sea was detestable to him.

“You're right. He is not losing his mind because even though he does not know where she is, he knows she's safe.”

“How?”

“That boy.”

“Which boy?”

Nate scoffs in sarcasm. Clearly, insulted by whatever it was that was coming to his mind.

“Which boy Jon?”

“Connor.”

Nate is quick to deviate the information towards Andrew.

“Find her.” He says.

“I will boss.”

Finding Michaela, after the new set of information was a child’s play for Andrew. By the time Andrew gets to click her, she is in her third trimester.

She is laughing, her cheeks are red and in her right hand she hold the hand of Connor.

It makes Nate’s blood boil. He was the one who let her go. He knows. But his heart refuses to accept the needing that they got. They deserved better.

He waits for the opportunity, or rather for his heart to settle.

It takes times. But once he manages to freeze his heart once again, he makes his way to her. It’s luxurious, not surprisingly. He gets cold feet as he knocks on the door. No one responds. He knocks gain. Did they know he was coming? Do they know, right now that it’s me outside the door? Or maybe they don’t. He knocks again.

What’s taking so much time? Are they busy? Busy doing what?

The thoughts tramping in his head worsens and the knocking gets aggressive. Nothing.

‘I'll break the fucking door.’ He thinks to himself.

“Nate?” Michaela’s voice comes like a whiff of fresh wind.

He turns around to look at her.

Tummy swollen, full faced, cheeks blushing like a baby’s. She stands with, what looks like, a small envelope in her hand.

“Michaela...”

She runs to him.

“ I missed you.”

She sniffles in his chest. Nate holds her like a bear, careful not to squeeze her too hard.

She welcomes him in the penthouse.

“ Where’s your friend?”

“He doesn’t live here. He owns this place but it’s far from where he works. So I took advantage of the opportunity.”

She smiles.

He wants to kiss her.

No.

He needs to focus.

This is not good.

“I’m just here for the baby.”

Her smile fades, until it feels as if it wasn’t even there.

“Oh!” she exclaims.

“What about the baby?” she asks.

“I want half custody.”

She scoffs.

He wants the custody.

He wants to hold her.

Love her.

No.

He wants custody.

She disappears into the kitchen and comes back with a bundle of papers.

“I’ve already documented it. I’ll sign whenever you want. If you want to add or revise anything, you can tell me. “

He takes the papers.

Tears blink from the corners of her eyes.

He nods at her.

“I should get going.”

“ I’m going to marry. “

Nate pauses on his way to the door. Did he hear that correctly?

“What?”

“ I don’t want the same suffering for my kid, that I had to go through. I want her to have a complete family. I want her to have a mother and a father. I want her to have the love of both. Without having to choose. “

“I am her father. “

“Yes you are. But we can't be together right? You have made that pretty clear. And I don't want that void to fill in her life the way it did in mine. Having to deal with the shallowness of the relationship that exists between us.”

“ Oh! Please. Don’t make it sound like a humane thing to do, when in fact you have selfish reasons to execute it.”

“Wee, of course you’d think that. Out of the million times that I told you I love you, you’d obviously think that. And I don't want you to choose me anymore Nate. I get it. You think somehow I am to be condemned. And I shall accept it. But not for my child.”

They are approaching the forbidden truth, and can already feel it. The air is thicker, the words taste like acid for Michaela. But she won’t back off. She has decided that her child won’t suffer the same fate as her. And she will hold her ground.

“So what this is it? You had your fun with me. Now you are willing to replace me with that douche of a friend of yours. And you say it is for the sake of the child? My child? For him to call another man his father. A man who has nothing to do with him. “

“All I want for my child, is to have a man to guide, support and protect him. “

“I am that man.”

This makes Michaela scoff.

“You? You already gave up on him Nate. You didn’t even have the guts to fight for him.”

He gawks at her. Her insolence, her ambiguity, but more than that the callousness with which the words slaver from her mouth.

He rushes to her side and pulls her towards his body. His hands squeeze her arms.

“How dare you? After all that your father has done to me and my family, you still have the audacity to....”

She jolts his hands away.

“How do I have the audacity? I do because for once and for all it was my father who looked after her. Who loved her. Who wished nothing but the best for her. She was the one who left you. Not my father. Never. She was the one who gave up on you Nate. She was the one who chose him over you and even at the end she couldn’t keep up with her choices. Stop blaming my father for everything. All he ever did was love your mother. And he deserved to be loved back. But your mother couldn’t. Could she? I have nothing but pity for her. Because she was an absurd and a mad woman.”

Nate quivers with anger.

She pushes him far from her body, one hand constantly cradling her belly.

“And you know how I know that Nate? Because I was the victim of her hostility. You know what she did every time my father denied her hash? Every time he stopped her from going to you? Every time he strives to make reason with her? She hit me. She freaking use to hit me Nate. One time, when he denied her access to the card, she almost broke my nose.”

She sighs, it is agonizing for her to remember the incidents. The ones she never spoke about. The ones she feared to mention. Being dismissal of it. She didn’t know what she was doing, she would tell herself.

“I don’t believe you. “ his mind is at war with his heart.

Was she capable of it? Was she capable of making a child suffer? Who was she anyways? What does he know about her? Nothing. She is a stranger to him. How can he justify her actions? Especially the ones even he didn't approve of.

“She wasn’t herself Nate. She wasn’t. No one could have saved her from herself. You cannot go around blaming people for things they never intended to do. You cannot punish people for it. You cannot punish my child for it.”

His jaws clench. He does not approve of her choice of words.

“That child is mine as well Michaela. You cannot change that. No man can replace me.”

“I don’t want anyone to replace you Nate.”

“What about you? You think you can love him the way you love me?”

Michaela lowers his eyes.

“Maybe I don’t love you anymore Nate.”

She speaks quietly. Careful.

“At this point of my life, I want to love someone who is capable of loving me back. And even more to make that love known.”

The words prick his heart. He does not want to hear any of it.

“You don’t get to choose.”

“What if I do?”

“What if I love you?”

She laughs at him.

“You don’t have the guts. You never had. And you never will.”

She walks away from him. His presence is toxic. And she does not want the toxicity to get to her child.

But he follows.

“You think I’m....”

“The discussion is over Nate. I just wanted to inform you. That's it.”

“Inform me?”

She lies down in the bed stretching her legs.

“Yes. Informing you.”

“and you expect me to accept it?”

“Yes I do.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“And give away my wife and my baby to some other asshole? Can you even begin to understand what you asking of me? Every morning that I wake up, there is nothing that I want more than to have you in front of my eyes. To hold you into my arms. To watch you smiles in your sleep. You think I'll give that away? “

“Stop it Nate. “

“Stop what? You wanted me to have the guts to accept the truth. This is the truth Michaela. Right now standing in front of, I don't know if I love you. Heck, I don't even know what love is. But there is nothing that I miss more than your presence around me, your smell on my bed sheets, your energy entrapping me. There is none I've missed more in this life than I've missed you. But having said that there is nothing that scares me more than you. Your audacity, your guts, your stubbornness. I hate it Michaela. But you know what I hate more? Distance. Separation. I hate the way you can read through me like a child's book. But I hate this more Michaela. I hate that even after all that has happened I still look for your shoulder to lean on, for your arms to come and cry in, for your presence to be able to breathe more peacefully. “

Michaela is sitting up. Her palms held taut over her eyes. She whimpers.

“I hate what my life has become without you. And you want me to continue with it. I would rather be buried alive than having to hand you over to another man. Do you even know how many times, unknowingly have I imagined you. Pregnant with my baby. Mine and yours? “

She kneels down to look at her. His cheeks a are wet from the tears.

“ I'm sorry Mickey. But I can't give you what you want. I can't let you go. I beg you. To boot go. To boot leave me. To leave my life barren. I beg you to understand me. And if possible to give me a chance. To become a father. I deserve it. Please.”

He rests his head into her lap and cries. She rubs her hand through his hair.

“What if you can't love me?”

He keeps silent. He has no answering to it. What if?