Chapter 4- LIVING WITH A BEAUTIFUL MONSTER 3

Cameron is indeed a disgrace to fatherhood because he's never been a father to me. He never touched me or play with me. I see how other kids' parents call them 'sweetie' 'darling' and hug them tight or kiss their forehead and cheek. And the kids will blush and sit on their thighs.

I wish for something like that every day, even now that I'm grown. Cameron didn't like me, and even though I acted like I didn't care, I was hurt. I didn't know exactly why he loathed me. Maybe he hated females generally, especially females who were not useful for sex.

But on more than two occasions, he has made a comment about my body, and I knew instantly he didn't hate me because I was a girl, he hated me because I was fat.

I am chubby. I have been chubby since birth, and not only that, I looked way more mature than my age. I also sweated a lot because of my weight, and I had hair all over my body. The hair on my head was thick, black and shiny and very long. I had hair on my legs, hands, and almost everywhere. Mom said that was how she looked at my age. She said it is the genes that make me grow fast. I agree with her but I also believe it is the stuffs I ate--we had too many fast foods and milkshakes because Mom was mostly always sick and rarely made breakfast. It's either she was too tired or woke up late or a little under the weather or most often, sore from all the beatings. It must have been one of the things Cameron fought with her over, but it wasn't her fault.

She was a healthy woman before he married her. It was his beatings that made her sick, coupled with the many household jobs she did in the house. She always wasn't able to de-stress because she was always anxious and scared whenever he was around. Mom did the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, the gardening and every other thing.

I helped in cleaning the bathrooms. What more could a seven year old do?

Mom's job at the fashion designer store took twelve hours of her time everyday. Cameron never assisted her with any work. I think husbands should assist their wives so that they'll not wear out of too much stress. The house chores are meant for everyone living under the roof.

Cameron has on three or more occasions called me 'little witch' because my eyes did not produce tears. Whenever he talked to mom, during bedtime, he goes like "Have you tucked your little witch to bed so she doesn't disturb our love game tonight?" And mom would go like, "Oh Cameron, don't call the poor girl that. She's your daughter, remember?" And he'll be like, "Whatever"

I know because after mom tucks me to bed and joins Cameron in the other room, I silently crawl out of bed and go stand by their door and eavesdrop. I did it innocently. And I made sure I heard the lock from inside before I felt at home by their door. I hated the sound of the lock. It signified violence to me and I knew mom was scared of this man. Why she didn't escape from him is what I did not understand.

Maybe she didn't want to be a single parent. Maybe she was worried for me. Maybe she was only being selfless. She must have been doing it all for me. But the violent love-making every night, did she endure that for me as well? The "keep your eyes on the wall" and "I gotta tie you up first" and then her screams that echoed in the night because he didn't treat her with mercy, even on their matrimonial bed. Did she endure all that for me too?

Cameron never hurt me physically. It wasn't kindness on his part; it was neglect. He was overlooking me. We had no physical contact. My mom didn't like this, so she would make me hold his laundry that had been done by her and then ask me to go 'give daddy'. It sounded strange in my ears but I always did it because my mom wanted it.

I'd go to his room and hand over the clothes to him, neatly ironed and arranged, and he'd take them from me without batting an eyelid. The longest word he said was "Okay thanks". It sounded so formal and rude, but I kept doing it, to make mom happy.

Mom hoped it'd make him talk to me, like a father to his first daughter but he never changed. The best he did was when on his birthday, he shared food for everybody and even served me mine by himself and helped me to a glass of Ribena.

Had to accept the fact that he'll never love me but I didn't want him to hurt mom-she was all I had. She had many bruises and cuts on her body but they were at coverable areas of her body or people outside would have suspected the truth. Whenever she was less dressed inside the house, I touched her bruises and asked her if it hurt, with tears in my eyes

"No it's healed, my daughter" she would say with a smile and then rub my head.

"Mom, can't you run away? You're suffering so much" I would tell her for the umpteenth time

"No my daughter, why would you say that? We have all we need for a lifetime here" she would say, hiding from the truth

"You know what I'm talking about mom. He does not love you" I would say blatantly. I always remember mom's surprised expression whenever I uttered these words. She was surprised because I was only seven, and she didn't want me to feel the way she felt, I guess that was why she tried to hide it, every time.

"Maybe love doesn't exist anywhere." She would say and smile , and I would feel like slapping her hard in the face and scream, "you're a dummy mom!!" But I didn't want to hurt her further.

"Love exists. My Sunday school teacher says God is love, and you told me there's a God in heaven watching over us, so love exists"

My mom would give me that surprised look again.

"Let's run away, mom. Is it the money holding you down?" I would ask innocently. "I'll work and give you money. I can't do much because I'm only seven but I promise, I'll not let us starve" then, mom would go all emotional and start to cry. And we'd rock each other in silence.

Sometimes the conversation would take a different mode, I would go over to mom all of a sudden when she was alone and ask, "Why does he beat you?"

And she'd shrug and say, "Misunderstandings happen between couples, and they settle it after. You don't have to worry your little mind about us"

"But it's not fair for him to beat you, it makes you bleed and cry. Why should he do it then when you're his wife?" I would innocently ask

"Cameron doesn't know how to love, I guess. And he has anger issues. Don't worry okay?" She would reply and in my mind, I'd be like "yeah. First one is right. Second shows you're a dummy mom" but I dare not say it out. No one should have as much anger that'll make them cause two miscarriages and frequent visits to the hospital. No one should raise his hand to beat anyone violently. Violence is not a thing I'd love to live with in future, like mom is.