Chapter 470 Chapter 470
The stuffed tiger that Aspyn had given him sat on the little table looking at the bed. She swallowed the lump in her throat and whispered, “Aspyn would be so disappointed in her gift not doing its job.”
Noah’s arm around her relaxed and he rolled his head to look at it. “Pretty big job for a small piece of stuffing.” His voice cracked as he spoke. He wasn’t nearly as settled as she had thought.
Emersyn grinned, “we could look for a six-foot one.”
Noah turned his head in her lap and looked up at her, “I don’t think the guys would ever let me live that down.” His face reflected that his thoughts weren’t as light as his words, but she understood that the little things you did to lie to others to cover up the truth were okay.
He closed his eyes and blew out a deep breath, “did I wake anyone else?”
She licked her lips and decided small lies worked for other reasons too. “Cooper. I was in the kitchen.”
His eyes popped open and just like that his torment was brushed aside, “Is everything all right? Are you okay?” He shifted and lifted his head away from her to prop himself up on his elbow.
She wanted to hug his head and tell him not to, but she just let her hand fall to her lap instead, “I needed a snack.”
“Did you go for a run and not eat after?” The concern on his face almost made her cry again.
She shook her head, “no. Burned a lot of energy working on the house I guess.” She wanted to squirm as he studied her face, it felt like he was looking inside her and seeing all the ugliness that she hid in the dark corners inside her.
When his gaze shifted, he looked at how he was still curled around her and how close they were. She watched the emotions change on his face and then felt the way his body stiffened, but he didn’t move away from her. Eyes with the nightmares in them cleared from his vision as he looked back to hers. “I’ll be okay now.” His voice didn’t shake as it had.
She wiped the wet from her cheek and gave him a quick look. Just like that he’d stuffed the horror back into the box and the man that didn’t think he deserved to show vulnerability was back. “Well, I’m not so don’t move.” She said in a gruff voice.
His surprise was quickly masked with concern as he huffed out a breath and fell back onto the bed. “I shouldn’t stay here,” he flicked his gaze to the ceiling, “every damn time you look at me, I drag it all back for you.” He moved his head slowly from side to side.
Emersyn sat straighter and looked down at him. The urge to smack him startled her and made her pause to see if it was her feeling or her animal’s opinion. She was even more shocked to find it was her own. “That’s ridiculous.” She said it louder than she had intended. “You think with you out of sight it’s going to magically be all better?” She glared at him and then placed her hand in the center of his chest as if she needed to hold him down so he would have to hear what she had to say. “It’s always there.” Her voice cracked. “Always, Noah, whether I see you or not.” Her eyes filled with angry tears which annoyed her more that she couldn’t say her piece without it affecting her. She swatted at her eye to stop them. He was looking up at her now, pain evident on his face. Pain for her, not himself. “You have no idea how much better you make it,” she snorted softly, “if it can even be better.”
He shifted but didn’t try to displace her hand from his chest. Concern creased his brow; confusion clouded his eyes. “How could I possibly make it better.”
“You just do—and you don’t even see it.” She was annoyed that the words in her mind weren’t coming out as she thought them. “You’re so strong, yet I know deep inside you doubt everything about yourself, about others,” she shook her head and then took a quick breath, “I look at you and I see an incredibly strong man that keeps going despite weaknesses or his own fears.” She swatted at her cheek with a shaking hand, “And—and you’re so stupid sometimes I just want to smack you.” More tears fell, from frustration with herself for being unable to explain it to him with any sort of clarity.
He shifted on the bed and then reached to tenderly brush the tears from her face. His eyes were bleeding with compassion and concern.
“And I’m ridiculous.” She whispered, “I come in here to comfort you and end up blubbering like a baby instead.”
He didn’t smile or even acknowledge that she’d spoken. Raising up, he placed a quaking hand gently against the side of her face. His hand was so large she realized that it reached so his fingers thread through her hair to hold her head too. She held her breath as he leaned closer and then placed a feather-light kiss over her eye before shifting to do the same to the other one.
When she opened her eyes, he was watching her, with such a tender look on his face, and she wanted to cry again. Had anyone ever looked at her with that look before?
“You make me want to be a whole man inside.” He said it so softly that she wasn’t sure he’d spoken the words. “To be a normal man.” He added. She licked her lips, and his eyes followed the movement. “You deserve someone that will treat you like the treasure you are,” his look connected with hers again, “not someone like me that can’t go a single day without some sort of breakdown.”
She put her hand against the side of his face. “You understand me, Noah, there’s no one else on this earth that ever could.” She meant it. “That means more to me than anything else.” She knew there would never be a happily ever after for her. As long as he was present, she wouldn’t need to seek that unobtainable fantasy.
He took a ragged breath but didn’t release her. She wasn’t sure if she leaned toward him or he toward her, but somehow, they were now only a breath apart now. She could taste his fear and anticipation and knew that she was projecting the very same to him. She wanted to tell him it was okay, that it was going to work out, but she couldn’t find the words to say what they both knew was a lie. Life had done that to them, taken all illusions and shown them the dark truths and there was no going back from it.
His lips touched hers and were shaking from a nervous hesitation, or it was hers vibrating, she couldn’t be sure. No other part of their bodies touched now, just their lips and one hand on the others’ faces. She didn’t know how to kiss him the way she wished, how to express how just this slight thing felt like everything.
He tilted his head and brushed his lips over hers again and it robbed her of her breath. Her cat was close and content to just stay there and observe what this connection was doing to them.
Noah’s fingers tensed against the back of her head, but not to push her away, he tilted his own further and kissed her again, a little longer this time. Each time their lips broke away from the others, their breathing grew more erratic, it was terrifying, and she didn’t want it to stop. She gasped softly when his lips moved over to touch her mouth. She had never been touched before in a way that she welcomed, but his touch was like no other had been. There was caring, in his touch, there was love in it. He may not say it, but she felt it.
With each movement, he would pause and check for her reaction like he was waiting for her to pull away from him. She closed her eyes and moved her hand to gently hold the back of his head, silently asking him not to stop. His breath was hot against her jaw, and it only added to the effect his touch was having. She lifted her chin, encouraging him to continue.
She heard him take a deep breath and draw her scent into his body, it felt intimate and for the first time in her life, something made her feel sexy. She couldn’t prevent the shaky gasp when his mouth moved to her throat. The warmth of his lips on her skin sent shivers through her and something deep inside her she had never felt flamed to life. She had to force herself to remember to breathe and it came out in an uneven panting.
A low rumble came from Noah, and he shifted slightly closer, so his chest brushed up against hers. Emersyn clutched his head and he stopped moving. Her cat nudged her inside as if to say fix it. She couldn’t find the words to speak and was afraid to break the magic of this moment, so she turned her body to allow their chests to press up against each other.
Noah hissed out a breath like he’d just been burned but still didn’t move away from her. With a hesitant move, she reached to touch his back as his arm threaded under hers and tentatively rested against hers. At no point did he close his eyes, they watched her, caressed her even when his lips weren’t. He exhaled, with his mouth close to her neck again and she felt like his mouth was somehow draining the tension and fear from her muscles as she fell against his chest with more weight.
Her cat was acting like the proverbial one and rubbing against her insides as if she could feel him. Emersyn closed her eyes and felt her mouth move to smile as he continued to do magical things against her throat and shoulder.
When he released her head and pulled her into his body, she didn’t even panic. The contact felt natural and despite the hesitation from both after, they both relaxed into it. Noah made another low animalistic growl, and it sent shivers of heat and awareness through her. He lifted his head and held her look. For that moment all that could be heard was their own breathing. Her cat stilled inside her and she thought it was to allow her to feel this on her own.
Noah’s mouth closed over hers again and when she felt his tongue dip inside and touch her own, she moaned no louder than a whisper from the feeling it caused. He paused, seeing if that had been a sound of panic or not. When she moved to make their mouths touch again, he continued with more vigor than before. She was dizzy, her body hot and she would never forget this moment ever.
Feeling spurred on by his reactions, she moved to taste his mouth and stabbed her tongue off sharp teeth. Horrified, she jerked back and put her hand over her mouth.