Chapter 461 Chapter 461
Gage looked at him for a moment, his expression was unclear, then he nodded his head slowly and Noah thought, finally, someone gets it. “Seems she may be the only one that understands what you’ve been through too.” Gage moved away from the wall and went over to the ladder and took the tray down and looked in it. “We’ve all tried to help you and we just don’t have the knowledge to do much.”
Noah frowned, “I don’t expect you to.”
“I know.” He pulled the stuck brush from the tray, “but we want to.” Setting the brush back in the tray, he held his look with steady patience. “Or is it you don’t want to be helped?” He set the tray on the floor and then picked up his cup, “are you afraid you might let some of it go, Noah? Afraid that you don’t know who you’ll be without carrying all of that with you.”
Noah scowled at him, “what do you mean?” He thought of his words again, and then his eyes widened, “you think I want to be this way?” Is that what he was saying? “You think I don’t want to feel normal? Not freak out all the time?” Noah shook his head, “I’d just like to experience a full night’s sleep, just once…”
“That’s not what I meant.” Gage rubbed his hand over his face, “I understand being afraid of things changing, Noah…”
“Changing? This would have to be a complete overhaul, Gage,” he tapped the side of his head, “it’s so fucked in here—” he blew out a breath and then shook his head, he couldn’t get worked up right now, he just couldn’t, Emersyn would be walking in the door at any second. “I don’t know.” He whispered, “I don’t know what I want right now.” He gave him a steady look, “I just know I need to go back out with the team and help.”
Gage looked at him for a long silent moment and then nodded his head, “I can’t disagree with that. Devin said without you they wouldn’t have found half the places.”
Noah shrugged it off and went over to the stack of paint cans and bent down to look at the color samples on the lids. They weren’t bad choices. “I just wished I could do more.” He glanced over at him, “there’s so many missing.” He stood up, not wanting to get into it right now. He was trying to keep his mood light, or as light, as it ever got, so he could show Emersyn how to tape off the windows and things and then go over and help Blair. “Listen,” he looked down at the cane then back to Gage, “when Blair and I are gone, could you…”
“You know we’ll help over here as much as we do Blair’s.”
Noah nodded, “I figured.” He wiped his hand over his damp forehead. “Thanks.”
The door opened and Emersyn stepped inside. She unzipped her jacket. “Sorry it took me so long,” she pulled it off, “Aspyn was determined she needed a real tiger until Kelsey told her how much they ate.” She grinned, “now she’s decided that’s gross and her stuffed one is fine.” She looked from one to the other and then took her jacket off.
Gage bent down and picked up the tray, “I’ll go clean this for you.”
She cringed when she looked at it, “Everett’s shift distracted me from cleaning up.”
He shrugged, “It’s fine.” With a smile, he took the tray and his coffee and went out the door.
She hugged her jacket to her and looked over at him, “I’m sorry if I interrupted…”
Noah shook his head, “we were just talking about him helping Cooper over here when Blair and I go back out.”
“Do you know when you are?” He watched her squeeze her eyes shut and then open them again quickly, “sorry.” She huffed out a breath like she was annoyed with herself. “How long are you usually gone?” She clutched the jacket to her like it was her lifeline.
“Two or three days,” he shrugged, “we get there, go in and then keep moving so they can’t track us or follow us.” He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth.
She stiffened, her eyes filling with fear, “they do that?”
He nodded, not quite sure how to back out of the hole he’d just dug.
“It makes sense now, what was said in the house about the gate.”
Noah went over to the counter and picked up the tape. “Cooper will get it fixed. You’ll be safe.” He was saying every curse word he knew inside his head. Turning around, he tried to look calmer than he felt, “No one knew where Lindon had the clan, so they’re all safe,” He moved closer, trying to sense the emotions that went with the thoughts flashing through her eyes. “No one followed us from that house, or the one we stopped at. Calum would have known. You’re safe—Aspyn is safe.”
She moved her head slightly and he thought maybe it was a nod. “I know. I just feel safer when you’re around,” she looked down at her hands gripping the jacket tightly, “and when you go with Blair and Calum—”
She sucked in a shaky breath that he felt it all the way to his guts. The fear was crippling when it played with your head, he knew that better than anyone. He put his hand over his stomach like it was his own pain. Cursing some more at himself, he went over to her. Noah wanted to make her feel at ease, even though he doubted that was ever something that could happen to her, or him. He wanted to gloss over it in Blair style but didn’t have the arsenal of words and soft tones the other man had. What he couldn’t do was lie to her and tell her everything was going to be fucking peachy fine, when he knew there was no way to guarantee that. So, he started with that and silently prayed the rest would just come outright. “I won’t lie to you, ever.” He stopped close enough that he could pick up her scent without having to inhale to do it, her scent was both his glory and his failures. “I don’t know how much I’ll be here.” When had it changed from, he was only here temporarily? He focused on her eyes, trying to keep from looking at her mouth and that lip she was murdered with her teeth. “I have to,” he gave his head a slight shake and then put his hand over his heart, “I need to help free others,” he leaned down so their faces were closer to the same height, so he could see she was understanding what he was saying. “I need to stop those people, Emersyn, do you understand?” His cat was moving around in him, restless, just at the mention of them. “I know I’m never going to find peace, but there’s a small part inside me that lives on the hope that if I stop them, if I end their torment of our kind, then someday, I might be able to breathe just a little easier.” His vision started to blur slightly, and he had to look away from her until he got it under control again.
“I understand, Noah, I do.”
When he looked back at her, she was nodding her head.
“I just can’t bear that you are putting all of this on yourself.” She sniffled like her emotions were riding her too, “you’re only one man and when they took you,” she tilted her head and gave him a soft look, “you were just a child.”
He clenched his jaw, so he wouldn’t blurt out his first thoughts on what she was saying. She deserved more than him going off on her. “I just,” he clamped his mouth shut and breathed out slowly through his nose. He didn’t know how to word this, “I have to keep moving.” He watched her hoping she got it because that was all he had. “When I stop, bad things happen.” Noah held his breath watching for a reaction, he couldn’t explain what things. There was no way he could ever put it into words. How did you describe to someone that your own mind worked against you often, that the rest of your body rebelled with it?
“I understand—some,” she said the words slowly while giving him a steady look, “just know that I think you’re a good man and nothing could ever change my mind on that.” She nodded her head and gave him a small stiff smile.
Noah wanted to reach out and touch her hair, brush it back from her cheeks so he could see all the freckles that decorated her skin. Gripping the tape roll tight in his hand, he jammed the other one in his pocket. She licked her lips, and his eyes were drawn to that. Even his cat was paying close attention to her scent now. He wanted to kiss her. Not an ‘it just happened’ kind of kiss like the last two times, but one that he was thinking about right now. He told his body to step back, but his feet weren’t moving.