Chapter 415 Chapter 415
Noah turned up the volume and stood there for a moment. He didn’t know the band or any of the words, but the hard beat vibrated through him and helped him feel like he could breathe. Turning around, he tapped the wrench against his leg as he walked. It was a menial task he’d been given, but it was something to do. Anything was better than putting that look on Emersyn’s face repeatedly. The fear and timid expression on her face when she looked at him felt like knives being jabbed into his chest. It was his fault, he knew that. Seeing him brought it all back to her. He should have gone for a run here, had intended to, then the next thing he knew he was pulling to at Blair’s.
He rubbed his hand over his chest, feeling the familiar ridges of the scars under his shirt. He could still hear her screaming the day they brought her to the house. She wasn’t screaming for her own welfare though, it was for him, to let him go, stop hitting him. He could never understand why she did that. It would have made things worse for herself fighting against them. He dropped his head down almost to his chest and closed his eyes, he knew all about that, what fighting back brought.
Opening his eyes, he zeroed in on the job he was supposed to be doing. Removing panels, taking out dents, and prepping the equipment for painting. It wasn’t exactly a hard task, but he was used to it. He got most of the jobs in the shop that didn’t involve engines or moving parts. He rolled his head from side to side and tried to alleviate some of the tight knots so movement would be less painful. He didn’t mind the jobs they gave him; he had no desire to understand the complex workings of engine parts. He’d learned to work a few of the rigs, and he did that well, so that got him out of the shop from time to time where he could go to sites and feel like he was doing something.
Putting the wrench on the nut, he gave a test tug on it to see if it had melded, as Jake called it, to the bolt. That seemed to be common with the dust, grime, and heat the equipment was exposed to three seasons out of the year. He had to yank on it three times to get it to loosen. Noah glared at the next one, he had enough frustration inside him that he could do this for a day before burning off only a quarter of it. The next two were easy, the third one wouldn’t budge. Snarling at it, he gripped the wrench tighter and put all his anger into it. It gave way and his hand went into the panel. Looking down he saw he’d broken the bolt clean off instead of undoing it. One more thing he screwed up. With a growl, he slammed his hand into the panel.
The music stopped suddenly.
“Aren’t we supposed to be taking the dings out of it, not adding more?”
Noah looked over his shoulder to see Cooper standing there. He was up on his feet now, a cast and crutch to make sure he behaved for a few more weeks. If it had been him, he wouldn’t have lasted a week, never mind the entire time Shaelan tacked on ‘just to be sure.”
“Thought maybe there was a rock concert going on in here. One with loud, angry music.” He started across the floor toward him.
“I busted the bolt.” Noah looked back at it.
“Isn’t the first, won’t be the last.” Cooper stopped beside him and looked from the bolt to him, “figured you’d be over at Blair’s now that your girl’s there.”
Noah snorted, “I’m gone so much now, I want to help here when I’m around.”
Cooper nodded his head slowly, a sober expression on his face. “What’s eating at you?”
Noah shook his head and held up the wrench. “Nothing, I…”
“Don’t lie to me, kid, my leg is damaged, not my senses.” He inhaled, “I could smell the fury coming off you as soon as I stepped in the door.”
Noah exhaled, slumping his shoulders. “Emersyn saw me without my shirt this morning and it brought back memories she should never have to think about again.”
“For you or her? You can’t control what a person thinks.” He tilted his head, “unless you have some mind power hoodoo none of us know about.” He smirked, “do you?”
Noah looked down at him, not even sure if he was being serious. “No.”
Cooper smirked, “didn’t think so.” he moved closer and examined the bolt he’d snapped off, “easy fix once the panel is completely off.”
Noah bobbed his head like he agreed but found he didn’t care much about it.
“I was going over later to meet your girl. Calum told Gage she’s got a strong spirit and is holding it together well considering...”
“She’s not my girl.”
Leaning on the panel Noah was trying to work on, Cooper took off his hat and rubbed his almost bald head, “she’s your mate, then she’s your girl.”
Noah shook his head, “I’m going to find her daughter, help her get back to her family,” he paused, not even sure if she’d want to go back. He hadn’t even spoken to his parents yet. “If she wants...”
Cooper put his hat back on, “so you’re going to walk away from her and her little one?” He frowned for a second, “is it because the child isn’t yours?”
Noah couldn’t mask the surprise. “No.” He shook his head, “I don’t care about that,” he sputtered, “well, I mean she’s related to Blair and despite what her father did,” he shrugged, “she’s a child, it’s not her fault.”
Cooper’s serious look lightened, “right, so it’s not that.”
Noah liked Cooper, and had since he first met him, but the man confused him often. Talking to him was like he was searching for a loose thread, and once he found he just kept tugging on it until things started to unravel. It was unnerving to be the recipient of one of Cooper’s talks. “Look, Coop,” he realized he’d never called him that before today, “I appreciate what you’re trying to do...”
“What am I trying to do?”
Noah waved the wrench beside his head, “get in my head and give me some kind of pep talk.”
Cooper raised one eyebrow, “Is that what I’m doing?”
He’s looking for that thread now, Noah thought and almost smiled, “you don’t want to be in this head, trust me, it’s not a good place...”
“Because you’ve endured hell?” The man showed no emotion as he looked him in the eye.
Noah opened his mouth to answer...
“And survived it.” Cooper waved his hand at him, “and are still surviving it.”
Noah braced his one hand against the panel and looked down at the floor. It was a trap, he knew it was, but couldn’t figure out exactly how it was. Shaking his head, he looked at him, thinking he had the answer to stop this right now, “it’s a mess, Coop, some things can’t be fixed.” Noah huffed out a breath, “what I went through,” he snorted, “what she went through...”
“So don’t fix it.”
Noah closed his mouth and looked at him, stunned that he’d said that. “Well—that’s what I’m saying it can’t be...”
“Sometimes when something is broken beyond repair, you have to give up trying to fix it and start thinking about the parts that aren’t and that can be helpful for other things.”
Noah sucked in a deep breath and looked at the other man. He made no sense. None that he could see.
“Neither of you is ever going to forget what you’ve been through, there’s no miracle pill out there that could ever do that, so you have to start working to figure out how to live despite it.”
The breath he’d taken came out all at once, leaving him speechless for a second. “You don’t get it, there is no despite it—we are a constant reminder to each other,” he set the wrench down before he tossed it, or beat the metal he was supposed to be fixing, “we’re just supposed to look at each other every day and feel it all over again?” Hands on his hips, he shook his head and then glared at him, “I can’t even close my eyes and sleep without going through it every single night...”
“You’re not saying anything I don’t know.” The older man’s expression changed to understanding, “I share that bunkhouse with you, I hear you tossing around at night. I know you bolt out of that bed like it’s on fire. You might think you’re suffering in silence when you pace around outside screaming at the stars inside your head, but I hear you.” He nodded, “We all hear you.”
Noah stepped back, a sweat breaking out on the back of his neck. Of course, he knew they’d all hear him with their exceptional hearing, but to admit it, that was different.
“You’re not in it alone anymore, kid, I’ve been waiting for you to see that, but your skull is pretty thick I guess.” Cooper inhaled slowly and then let it out, “we can’t take it away or change it, none of us will ever know what it’s like what you lived through, but we’re here and we’re waiting to help however we can.”
Noah felt like his throat was tightening, his emotions were reaching the point he wouldn’t be able to stop an outburst. He needed to get outside.
“That’s what family does, kid, we stick with you no matter what.” Cooper glanced at the broken bolt, “you think we keep you around because you’re a handy guy with a surplus of skills?” He smirked. “And we keep Jake for his chef skills too.”
Noah snorted; Jake couldn’t even make toast without charring it. “Fuck, Coop, it’s a mess. I’m a mess.” He felt his eyes water and didn’t care. “How did it come to all this?” He shook his head and fought the urge to just slide to the floor and sit there. “The Alliance, I know they’re good, I just—how did it end up harming so many...”
“Come on.” Cooper waved his hand to the back doors, “let’s go sit out back and watch Gary try to park the rigs brought back without crushing anything.”
Noah looked at the task he was supposed to be doing.
Cooper gave his head a shake, “we have all winter to make them all pretty again. Let’s go talk.”
Noah blew out a breath, feeling like he’d somehow failed, again. “I know I’m not good with engines and that, but I’m trying, Coop.”
“No one said you weren’t and really, we don’t care.” He motioned to the door again and then looked at him with that look, the one that said it wasn’t a request.
Sighing, Noah turned and headed to the door.
“I’m going to explain where all the shit went wrong, kid, so take notes and pass them on to anyone else that needs to hear it.”