Chapter 93 93
Xavier's pov
There's an emptiness inside of me. An emptiness that can’t be filled, sustained, or eliminated.
It’s like a hole of nothingness, stretching wider and deeper every single day. All because the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with was taken from me.
I loved her. I craved her. I needed her. The thought that I might one day never get to look at her ever again was my worst nightmare. Now, it was my reality.
Before I'd lost everything, I was content. I was happy. It was enough. Until Jason's assassin pulled that trigger and all my joy crashed and burned.
The walls are Chloe's favourite colours painted peach and orange, now reminding me of her bloodied white dress. The one I can never clean up.
It’s been 37 days since I lost her and it felt like I lost a part of herself. Like when she died, a part of me died too.
Kylie’s been crying and fawning over me nonstop since I got here, and it’s making my head throb. Her overwhelming emotions did nothing to placate my sorrows. Instead it felt like nails on a chalkboard, worsening the pounding in my skull that hasn’t stopped since Chloe left.
She’d make my favorite dishes for lunch and dedicated her life to me so I shouldn’t be an ungrateful little cretin.
But with my mood swings, I needed her gone. The last thing I want is to yell at her.
I spent most of my days in my bedroom. The bank had come to take the company and every single thing I own except the Pack House and a few cars.
I should work to get it all back. I tried to work. I really did, but I couldn’t focus. During every call, I heard Chlie’s voice. During every meeting, I saw her face.
At this point, I was a liability to the company, so I instructed Gamma Rayes to cancel most of the meetings for the week and took the time to get my head straight.
That meant cracking open a bottle of whiskey every night, retreating to the living room, and ignoring his questions until he stormed off in a flurry of curses.
Tonight was no exception.
I tipped my head and bottle back.
The liquor burned down my throat and filled my stomach, but the aching emptiness remained.
I was simply unused to Chloe’s absence after living with her for so long. Rayes had told me it would pass, as would my emotional attachment to her. I highly doubt it. Chloe occupied a piece of my soul when she was alive. She took it with her when she died.
I tossed back another swig. The fireplace was unlit for spring, but a hazy memory of its flames and the way their light danced across Chloe’s features filled my mind and made pain lashed at my chest, leaving in its wake a stinging burn.
“Maybe you can talk some sense into him.” Raye’s grumble drifted into the room from the hall. “He’s been sitting and drinking these past few days like a mad man.”
“I’ll try.” Kylie’s voice gave me pause before I shrugged it off and lifted the bottle to my lips again.
I didn’t look at her when she entered and took the seat across from me. She watched me for a moment before speaking.
“What the hell is happening to you?”
“Nothing.” My head swam, and I blinked away the fuzziness before correcting myself. “I'm sick inside.”
The words tasted bitter. Perhaps I should switch from whiskey to something sweeter, like rum.
“What?” Kylie’s pale face came into my line of vision when I finally turned. The small movement required as much effort as swimming through molasses.
Dear Goddess, has my head always been this heavy?
My eyes dropped to the framed picture of Chloe in my hand. It was 4 nights before our wedding. She was wearing my t-shirt and wooly stockings. Her head was on my lap and my hand in her hair. ‘Stop staring at me.’ I remember when she smiled at me when I took that picture. A vise clamped around my heart at the memory. It was bad enough her every word and smile were burned into my memory. Now I was hearing things she said.
“Why?” Kylie demanded. “Why do you feel this sad for your second chance mate? You didn't feel this terrible when Maisie left!”
Right. Maisie.
The right is I cared for Maisie but not enough to love her. Loving her felt like a duty but with Chloe… love felt like breathing air. She pulled things in me I didn't realize existed and took them with her when she died. I missed her. God, I fucking miss her.
“Chloe was different.” I said curtly. “And now, she's gone. You didn't like her, did you? You and Howard should be happy she's no more with us.”
“Dear Goddess, Xavier, I might've hated Chloe but not enough to wish her dead! And why’d I have to get a call from Rayes fretting about you drinking yourself to death?!”
“I don’t know, Kylie. Maybe because I want to join Chloe on the other side,” I bit out.
She stared at me for a second before slumping in her chair. “Shit.”
I took another long sip before replying. “Yep.”
“You have to stop this. Everyone's looking up to you.” She said, “We'd already lost everything. The least you should do is to fight, not cower in here.”
Anger snapped free of its leash. “Fight? Fight with what, Kylie? Money? Fame? Influence? Guess what, I lost all of them! For fuck’s sake, I just lost my mate. The least you could do is pretend you're sad and let me mourn!”
Kylie didn’t flinch. “You’re my mate too,” he said calmly. “Your happiness is important to me.”
Just like that, my anger fizzled as quickly as it came. “If that were true, you wouldn’t have gotten us into the bankruptcy mess in the first place. Maybe if that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have met Chloe and if I hadn't met Chloe, I wouldn't fall in love with her and lose her.”
She grimaced. “Yes, well, I’ve done my fair share of…questionable things, as you might know.”
I snorted in agreement.
“But you were right to push me away. I was being a brat.” A smile flitted over her mouth. “I admit, I was resentful as hell when you first brought it up. I hated how you punished me like I was your child instead of your mate. I was…selfish.”
I lowered my bottle and narrowed my eyes. “I’m not the one whose body was taken over by aliens. Who are you, and what the hell have you done to Kylie?”
Kylie laughed. “Like I said, I've changed and so should you. Jason is still out there and it's up to you to her justice for Chloe. Do you think Jason is hurt the same way you are right now? He's the one who killed Chloe! Avenge her!”
“I don't have the resources for that.” I hissed.
She shook her head. “That’s where you're wrong, Xavier. Your men are loyal, Xavier. Have you talked to any of them recently? They are willing to stay with you, money or not. They need their leader back.”
“You don’t fucking say.”
“You should be thinking about getting rid of Jason ,” he said, ignoring me. “But you’re here drinking alone like a mad man. Putting aside all the bullshit with mourning, did you really love Chloe?”
That question made me snap. “Of course, I did! I still do! Fuck!”
I tugged at my tie, only to realize I wasn’t wearing one. Then why the hell did my throat feel so tight? “I love her.”
“Then why the hell aren't you avenging her? Why aren't you looking for her killer?”
“Because it’s not that simple,” I snapped. “Jadon is gone like the wind.”
“You aren't looking hard enough.” She admitted.
I was seconds away from giving into mine and strangling her with my bare hands. If it weren’t for her, Chloe wouldn't have walked into my life and took it with her. If I hadn’t gotten engaged to Chloe, I wouldn’t have fallen—
Pain punched me in the chest, so hard and sudden I swore I heard a crack.
Bruised heart, fractured ribs, stolen breath, all in the space of a minute. It was like my body was punishing me for not recognizing the truth earlier when it’d been so damn obvious.
The way I’d stayed in bed longer every morning just to catch her first smile of the day.
The way our takeout lunch dates became my favorite part of the work week.
The way I’d opened up to her about my family, my life, myself…
And the way watching her take her last breath had cost me an irretrievable piece of my soul.
The breath left my lungs.
My feelings for Chloe and his feelings for me weren't like or lust. It was love, in all its terrifying, unpredictable, unwanted glory and yet here I was, sulking like a child when I should get her justice.
Kylie watched me process the realization, her expression equal parts amused and concerned. “Are you ready to give us our Alpha back?”
I rubbed a hand over my face, determined. Yes.”
“Then welcome back, Alpha Xavier.” she gave me a lopsided grin.
I let out a scoff, but her words replayed on a loop in my head. “Stop that. It's cringe.”
“Really?” She laughed.
“Yeah.” I scrubbed my face again, trying to make sense of this rollercoaster of a day.
Kylie’s grin disappeared and she nodded at the half-empty bottle still loosely clasped in my hand. “Don’t let your pain stop from what you should truly see, Xavier. So get up your ass and fucking fight.”
I stared at her for a moment wondering where all this newfound change had come from and shook my head.
Kylie snapped her fingers and the doors parted for every soldier within my ranks. My eyes widened in shock. They never left?
They all couldn't fit into the room but I knew it was all of them. All including Rayes.
He bowed his head and so did the rest. Then in a loud voice, he called out. “What are your orders, Alpha?”
I looked down at the bottle before I passed it to Kylie.
Then I cleared my throat and spoke in my true Alpha voice. “Find Jason and bring me his head.”