72. Therapy

72. Therapy
Raelyn’s pov

“So, it’s been a while now that we’ve been meeting. Have you kept a journal like I asked you to?” My therapist, Anvi, asked.

“Yes,” I nodded, grabbing it from my bag.

“You’re looking a lot better, but how do you feel?”

I sighed and thought about my words. “I’m not sure. I feel free because I’m able to use my arms and legs again, and I’m not so dependent on others.”

“But?”

“But now that my body is healed, I feel this pressure.”

She nodded and wrote some things down. I hate it when she writes things down. “Pressure from yourself or from others?”

I shrugged, “both, I guess? Torin is trying to protect me from it all, but I know a bit about what’s going on.”

“Can you elaborate?”

I wanted to, but the only therapist I felt comfortable with was a human therapist, and I couldn’t tell her everything. I thought it wouldn’t matter, because we were working on my trauma with Dylan, not any werewolf stuff. But it had become increasingly difficult to discuss certain things.

I didn’t want to go to a new therapist, but maybe I should. It had only been a few weeks of therapy anyway.

“I feel like his town doesn’t want me because I’m an outsider. And they were patient while I was healing, but now that I’m better, they expect a lot of me. And some of these things I will never be capable of doing.”

She wrote some more down, “maybe it would be a good idea to talk to your partner about these issues so you get a clear picture of what is actually expected of you. This sounds like a lot of conjecture.”

Yeah, that would be nice, but well… I’m scared Torin is going to freak out if he hears people badmouthing me. He’s already fought with one of the council members. And he banished another person when she tried to throw something at me.

People are upset, and it’s not great for my mental health, so Torin is doing everything he can to keep it away from me. But it’s impossible.

“Talk to me, Raelyn. You look really upset. "You know that everything you say will remain confidential," Anvi said while looking at me with kind eyes.

“You and I have been working so hard,” I tried to explain. “We’re working on repairing all the damage Dylan did. Working on my self-esteem. And I guess somewhere along the line I set this goal for myself. No, not for myself. For everyone else. I think that I had this idea in my head that if I learned to be confident and to be better, then I would be good enough for Torin and this town.”

“And you don’t think that’s possible?”

I sighed, “I am not worried about Torin. Torin and I are doing really well. I hardly have nightmares. My anxiety around Torin touching me has almost disappeared. I feel like our relationship is moving forward like any normal relationship would. But we’re not a normal couple. There is so much more to us, and I keep coming back to “it’s too much.”

“Is it too much for you to handle?” Anvi asked.

I raised my hands up and shook my head, “I honestly don’t know. I feel like me coming here has only made things harder for Torin.”

“You mentioned something about trying to find out more about your birth parents a week ago.”

“Yes, and you told me to wait to find them, because I already had so much on my plate.”

She smiled at me, “I advised. I don’t tell. You are in charge of what you do or don’t do.”

I looked up at the ceiling, feeling so defeated. “I learned a lot of new things about my grandma. Or my adopted grandma, whatever. She was so cool. She traveled the world. She helped people. She did so much.”

“And you feel like you haven’t done enough?”

I scoffed, “It’s not that I haven’t done enough; it’s that I don’t think I’m capable of doing anything like she has done. I’m pretty sure I’m meant to be some housewife, not a leader or anything exciting. I’m twenty, and I have no real job experience and only a high school diploma.”

“Did you tell Torin about your birthday?”

My birthday was three days ago. I didn’t want a party or anything. Birthdays were always hard. Grandma made them special, but after she died nobody really cared. And when I met Dylan, he always made sure I made a big deal out of his birthday, but somehow, whenever it was my turn, we’d get into a fight the day before or the day of, and he’d disappear. And I would be left alone.

Anvi had explained that it wasn’t an accident; each birthday was ruined by Dylan. He did it on purpose. Another way to keep me down and make me feel small.

“No.” I replied. Anvi looked disappointed. Great, now I’m disappointing my therapist too.

Anvi put her notepad down, “why do you feel the need to be like your grandmother? Who is placing all this pressure on you to be something great?”

“Everyone.”

She tilted her head and waited for me to think about my answer some more. I hate it when she does this. Just stare at me until I say a different answer. “I am.”

She nodded, “what would be good enough? At what point would you feel like you have succeeded?”

When the whole pack loves me? When I… I tried to think of something, but I couldn’t come up with anything that would turn me into a success.

Maybe because the one thing I needed to be accepted, I could never be. I couldn’t just turn into a werewolf. I couldn’t stop being human.

Or maybe I could. Depending on what that spell was suppressing.

But even then… I’d still be me.

She was still looking at me, and I began to fidget, “I don’t know.”

“Do you need outside validation to feel like you’ve succeeded?”

“Doesn’t everyone?” I sneered. “I mean, so what if I like myself, if other people still hate me?”

“Do you like yourself?” Anvi asked.

“NO!” I shouted. “I hate myself! Isn't it obvious by now?”

She took a deep breath, “I think you and Torin should take a break. Get away from all those people you feel don’t like you or don’t consider you good enough. Because right now, those voices are way too strong. I need you to only focus on the voices that are positive and say good things about you.”

I laughed darkly, “okay. So just hide?”

“It’s not hiding. You're giving yourself a break. You're protecting your peace and that is okay.”