Chapter 121

Daniel's expression hardened, and Matt had to suppress a sigh. Same age, they were not, but it had probably sounded ridiculous to see someone with a youthful face talk like an old man. It was getting harder and harder lately to conceal his true age instead of the other way around -- it should be getting easier to slip seamlessly into this repeat life, not more difficult.

And now he had to face off with Daniel Heether of all people.

"There's a difference in our age but more in our experience," Matt said crisply, weaving together an excuse for what he had said before but also in an effort to make the younger man realize what he was dealing with. "You're strong in a fight, and you were raised in a family of warriors. But this won't be won with violence. There's more under the surface than you can attack with fang and claw, and that's where I come in. I can get Beth out of there."

"And I'm telling you again we're practically the same age. If it's experience in politics you're claiming, you no longer have a monopoly on that. I've been dealing with Gold Nation and Andrew Troy for long months."

"Dealing with him successfully or--"

"As for Beth, what's between us doesn't concern you. But just to clear the air, Beth is and will be the only love of my life until the day I breathe my last. I care about her. I love her. She's mine, just like I'm hers. So you don't need to worry about her, since she's safe with me. And happy."

Matt had no retort to swallow when Daniel turned and left without so much as a goodbye. Safe? No. Beth was in danger this very second. But happy...

He clenched his teeth, biting back the bitterness that came over him at the idea of Beth being happy with another man. Or was it bitterness, really? It hurt, and yet it felt almost like relief. Relief at the idea that she might really have found something to bring her joy after she had suffered so much.

Beth had gone through trials no one should ever face in her first life, and Matt had caused so many of them. That she tolerated him at all was a miracle, even though he tried hard not to think that way because he simply couldn't endure it. Was there any redemption for him? Was there a second chance for him if he tried hard enough?

Or was it too late, and he was grabbing at something he would never deserve again...?

This life was supposed to have been his way back to Beth. Matt had died with so many blistering regrets and the Moon Goddess had let him start over. So why were they not together yet? Why was she with Daniel Heether of all people?

Maybe Matt was being punished. Maybe this wasn't his second chance after all, but his personal hell -- having to watch Beth be with someone else.

He retreated to his room, head whirling, and he stood in the dark with his back to the door. The odd thump here and there sounded from the adjacent rooms, but they failed to pull him from his thoughts.

Beth. It was all about Beth. When Matt had opened his eyes and learned he had somehow gotten a second lease on life, had somehow been transported to the past more than three decades, he hadn't known whether to be thankful or terrified. Through his own fault, he had reduced the last years of his life into a hell of his mistakes, losing his pack, losing his family, losing all power and riches and influence.

But all of that had paled in comparison to losing Beth. He had carried the burden of her death for thirty years on his shoulders, wondering how he could have been so blind all that time. He no longer even had their daughter to cling to, his beloved Caroline whom he had ended up neglecting until she died when she was only a child because he had been so criminally stupid.

And then he had realized that Beth was alive. He could do it all over again, but right this time. He would never let her go, and he would love her as much as she had loved him. He would do everything and anything for her, cling to her instead of push her away now that he realized how much she meant to him.

But things didn't turn out that way, did it?

She had gone and married Warren, became a widow. He had tried to intervene, knowing what would happen to the eldest Heether son, but she had been stubbornly insistent. Looking back, Matt should have realized then something was wrong. He should have known Beth too had the knowledge of the past life, the future world, that she too had been reborn.

But that would have changed nothing. Of course he never had a chance. She hated him for everything he had done, and rightly. She had been willing to marry a dead man just to stay away from him.

And still Matt hadn't given up. That was when he threw himself into protecting Beth, taking over the Catii pack early and collecting hard evidence of Andrew Troy's dealings with the rogues. It had been difficult even with his foreknowledge, but for Beth's sake, he had endured sleepless nights and endless risks to get what he needed. For as long as she insisted on remaining in Silver Nation, Matt had no choice but to protect the Heether pack, and her.

And after all of that, Matt had even traveled in secret to meet her at Tahoe Village. How had things devolved so badly when he had tried so hard to prevent this future? He had taken it upon himself as a personal failing and determined to risk body and soul for her sake.

He was no warrior, but he had showed up and been prepared to give his life to protect her again. The rogue attack would come, and he would be trapped in the village with everyone else, but he had accepted it. He had accepted it because a life without Beth, a life where she was dead, was no life at all.

He would know.

He would have given anything to have her back. He would give anything even now to have her look at him the way she once used to, eyes shining and full of love, full of joy. If he had to cut off his limbs, break his bones, starve until he was nothing but dust, he would do it.

But it was too late.

Back at Tahoe, when Beth had gone to Pandemonium City with Daniel to find the cure for his poisoning, Matt had finally understood: she would give her life for him. Not Matt, for Daniel. Because she cared for him, deeply. She cared for him so much she was willing to risk life and limb for him without a second thought.

Matt wanted that. He wanted that so badly. But she would never look at him that way again, would she?

That was why he had told her how to get into Pandemonium and who to search for, knowing as long as she attracted attention, his people stationed there would find her. Because even though he loved her, she loved someone else, and the only way to make her happy was to protect the one she cared about.

If it was for her sake, Matt could save even Daniel Heether's life. He could do anything at all.

He lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling with his chest thumping dully, painfully.

Beth.

Beth had found her new love in this life. She had found her second chance.

And that man was going to make her happy. Had already made her happy.

For her to keep smiling, Matt had to protect her new future no matter how much it hurt.

After all, he was the one had hurt her before. He was the one who had destroyed her, killed her, as if he had strangled her throat himself. Nothing he would ever do would make that right again.

But he would spend the rest of his life repenting for it if he had to. And if this was the closest thing to happiness with Beth he could ever hope for, that was what he would cling to.

She was in danger now. She was captive in Gold Nation's hands, taken by Andrew. Matt had no delusions about it. Even if he saved her now, she would never look at him the way she had before.

But that was okay, as long as she could still be happy, even with someone else. He would still save her. He would still make sure she was safe.

He owed her far more than that, but it was good place to start.

He rolled over and closed his eyes.