I Want You to Be Safe

Julian

I hate how upset Mila is because of me. I can’t seem to say the right thing without sounding like an asshole, and then I let my temper take over and say stupid shit.

“Julian what now?” She asks again. “What do you want from me? You don’t want to sleep with me, so what do you want?”

Is that what she really thinks?

“Fuck.” I push my hair back from my face and try to put a cap on all the raging emotions going through me. “You think I don’t want to fuck you? It almost drove me crazy earlier when I stopped what we had started!”

“Why? You didn’t seem to mind, and then suddenly you stopped and acted like you couldn’t even touch me.”

“I can’t touch you! All I want to do is feel you, but I don’t want to push you! You were kidnapped and drugged a few hours ago. I didn’t want you doing something that you would regret!” I suck in a deep breath and curse at myself for letting my anger bleed through.

I’m not angry at her, but the look on her face says she’s scared. I keep forgetting the life she lived before I was part of it. She was abused for many years, which means I have to be careful not to let my temper get away from me around her. That will not be easy since I use that anger to fuel myself when facing difficult assignments.

So I take a breath and move before she can object. I quickly kick my shoes off over the side of the bed and sit on the bed next to her. She settles back as well and focuses her attention on the wall across from us. I give her a second before I reach over and pull her onto my lap so that she’s straddling me. I’m surprised when she doesn’t pull away and instead rests her hands on my shoulder and sighs. She won’t meet my eyes, so I tip her head up so that I can see her beautiful eyes.

“Maybe I haven’t been clear, Mila. You are everything to me now. I knew it the first moment I saw you and after our night together, there was no question. I was an asshole about it and let you go off with Roman, thinking it was better for you to stay away from me, but it killed me seeing you guys together. I followed you or had my men follow you when you were together to make sure he didn’t touch you.” I can feel my anger growing again, so I close my eyes and suck in a quick breath. “You are my mate and that means you’re my everything.”

She looks at me for a long moment and I wonder if maybe she’ll tell me to shove all my explanations up my ass, but she sighs.

“Okay.” Is all she says, and she moves as if she’s going to climb off of me.

I grab her hips and keep her firmly on my lap. That alone has me growing hard and I hate I could ruin this moment of sincerity because I haven’t gotten laid in weeks. I don’t want her to think that’s all I want from her.

“Okay? What does that mean?” I ask her.

She shakes her head and finally looks at me. “I don’t know. Isabella and Steven have already bonded. I saw the mark on her neck and they just met- “

“Steven isn’t subtle about shit and sometimes he runs head first into things. He doesn’t have to worry about ramifications from bonding. I’m the Alpha’s son, which means you, as my mate, will have a target on your back.”

“I don’t understand.” She says with a shake of her head.

If I want to make this work and be better than my father, I need to be open with everything, even the stuff I don’t want to share. She needs to know what being my mate will mean. The good, bad, and the ugly darkness.

“How much do you know about my family?” I ask her.

She shrugs. “Just that your father is a pretty successful businessman.”

Not much then.

“That’s true, and the main part of our family that he likes to show the public. He wants our family to look as clean as possible so that he can take advantage of politics. That isn’t how it always was, though. Our family was one of the few families in this city still around from the old days, when the underground had their hands in a lot of unsavory dealings. Things like weapons, gambling, murder for hire, and worse. My family dealt in…murder for hire and weapon sales. My father had connections all over the world that he would both sell and buy from.”

I pause and try to gauge her reaction so far, but she doesn’t seem shocked or disgusted yet, so I go on.

“When my grandfather died, my dad took over and joined forces with the Russians when the Italian families tried to expand their territory to the docks. They handle the import of…people. Our hands are not clean by any means, but us and the Russians didn’t like the way the Italians were trafficking people. So we turned down any offer they made until they were done asking. They attacked someone of our boats and killed a dozen of our men. We told them to back down, but they kept pushing. In short, they started a war. It was a stupid move because us plus the Russians meant they were outnumbered and they were too prideful to ask for help to go up against us, so as soon as we claimed justice, not many were left.”

“How come I never heard about this before?” She asks.

“It’s easy to hide things if you have the right resources. No one in our neighborhoods call the police when a war is going on. This all took place when I was still a baby, so you wouldn’t know anything because you were too young to know.” I explain.

“Oh. So, who won the war?” She asks.

“We did, but not without a lot of casualties on our side. A lot of our territory was destroyed as well, which meant we would be out of business for a while. We went back to our murder-for-hire work to compensate, and that’s what I was trained to do when I came of age.” I wait for that to sink in for her.

She raises her brows in surprise. “You…kill people for money?”

I nod slowly. “I was trained from early on that my role in the family would be to exact judgment and for money.”

“Oh.” She shifts on my lap and for a second I think she’s trying to move away from me, so I release her.

This might be hard for her to hear, so I don’t blame her if she needs space to process. Only she doesn’t go far. In fact, she shifts herself slightly so that she’s more comfortable.

“How many people have you killed?” She asks.

I’m shocked she wants to know. Most people don’t want to know those kinds of numbers.

“Twenty-seven, starting when I was fifteen.” I say honestly.

She sucks in a quick breath, and I see her eyes widen, and I wait.

“Who were they? Did they deserve to die?” She asks me.

She wants to find a reason for me to be blameless for the lives I’ve taken.

“Some of them had done terrible things, and it was my job to punish them, but others…I wasn’t told what they did to be targeted for death. I followed orders. Only recently did I look further into the targets I’m set after. My father has plans in motion for our family, and hasn’t told me everything. He’s up to something big and I don’t trust him. I’m making moves to overthrow him and take over as Alpha. It’s why I’m worried for you. I am making enemies and there will be even more shit happening when I make my final move to take over. It’s why I’m not in a hurry to finish the mate bond. Other wolves will be able to tell you are mated by the mark and your scent. It could be dangerous.” I explain.

“Wow. That’s a lot to take in.” She says, but she doesn’t run or shy away from me.

Knowing I killed so many people hasn’t made her run away yet, but a number is not the same as seeing the results of what I’ve done. I hope she will never see that side of the shit I am asked to do.

“So you don’t want to complete the bond because you don’t want anyone to know what I am to you. Right?”

“Yes.” I say simply because it really is that simple.

Her safety means everything to me.