Part Fifty-Seven

I don’t know how long I sat on the ground with Sierra’s body clasped against mine, willing her to live, trying to warm up her ice cold skin. Kane had left at one point and when he returned it was with Jett following him.

“Griffin,” he whispered.

I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t even breathe properly. My head snapped up as Jett’s hands touched her and I wanted to rip his arms off for daring to come close to her. His hand landed on my shoulder instead but I couldn’t focus on his voice.

“Shit Griff,” he said and I looked up as I saw tears in his eyes.

“She’s gone,” I whispered.

“I know Griff, I’m sorry brother, I’m so sorry,” he said.

“Just leave me alone,” I said and lowered my head to hers again.

“Griff you need to come home, bring her home so we can lay her to rest properly,” he said. He reached out for her again and I pulled her back against me.

“Don’t touch her,” I said and he stood up and took a step backwards with his hands in the air.

I stood up with his help and kept her close to me as I followed Jett through the trees with Kane trailing behind me. I walked slowly, every step feeling like it should be my last. I couldn’t let go of her even as the clowder stood in the clearing and lowered their heads.

They were mourning her loss with me but I didn’t want them too. I didn’t want to share her, I wanted this pain for myself. I knew my life had now changed so irrevocably that I would never be the same again. I could never be the same again.

My knees buckled just as I reached the porch and Jett was there to steady my arms as Sierra slid out of them. I grabbed onto her tightly again and he looked me in the eye. I nodded and he took her from me slowly.

“Go do what you need to do Griffin, I’ve got her,” he said.

Jett turned a corner, heading for the infirmary and I took the stairs slowly, one at a time and walked into my bedroom. I walked into our dressing room and I picked up her shirt that still lay on the floor and sniffed it.

Her scent filled me and I closed my eyes as it settled over me, calming me somewhat. I folded her shirt and put it on top of my clothes, to let her scent mix with mine. I stood in the shower and I cried again as the cold seeped out of my bones.

“Griffin?” Connor said from the other side of the shower door.

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ve been in there for almost an hour,” he said and I switched the water off.

“I can’t do this now Connor,” I said and took the towel he held out to me.

“You don’t have to do anything now other than to get into bed and rest,” he said looking concerned.

“I can’t leave her all alone,” I said to him.

“Jett’s with her, you can rest for a bit,” he said.

I felt numb and empty as I pulled sweatpants on and stood looking at the bed. The bed I had shared with her, held her in my arms, laughed and joked with her, made plans with her. Somehow I couldn’t get myself to climb into that bed.

“There are other rooms,” he said softly.

“Yeah,” I said as I grabbed her shirt and walked to the Alpha room.

It felt surreal walking in there. Finley’s books lined the shelves of the book case in the corner, her perfume still stood on the dressing table, her robe slung over the wingback chair. Damon hadn’t touched her things, he had kept everything the same way for eight years.

I laid down on their bed and looked at the ceiling as I draped Sierra’s shirt over my chest. I felt the movement when Kane got on the bed much later. I struggled to sleep as Kane moved closer to me and put his head down on my stomach, breathing in her scent.

“I’m sorry Kane,” I said.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen,” he said and then he coiled his tail over my legs.

I closed my eyes then and I slept. Connor and Jett left me to sleep for hours until the reality of the nightmare I was having forced me awake. Sierra’s body in my arms, Sierra’s blue lips, her cold skin pressed against mine, that was all I could see.

Jett sat in the wingback chair when my eyes opened and he stood up and poured me a cup of coffee when I sat upright. I took it from him and looked at it as if it might provide me with some answers. I knew it couldn’t but I needed something.

“You left her,” I said after a few minutes of silence.

“She’s being prepared,” he said.

They were washing her body, preparing her for her funeral ceremony, dressing her and Jett had left to not see her naked. I should thank him for that but I couldn’t. I could scarcely breathe and if it wasn’t something that happened automatically I knew I would be unable to do so.

“I don’t know how to do this,” I said to him.

“Fuck I know Griff,” he said.

“My whole family’s dead now,” I said as I stood up.

“I’m your family too,” he said as he grabbed me into a hug.

“Thank you Jett,” I said and pulled away from him.

“I’ll always be here for you, no matter what you need,” he said.

“I just need to be alone right now,” I said to him.

“I’ve asked the warriors to dig a grave next to your mother,” he said as he opened the door.

“Yes, she should be with them now,” I said.

I walked over to Finley’s dressing table and sat down on the chair and looked into the mirror. Her bracelet was on the table and I picked up her bottle of perfume. I closed my eyes and I could still picture her here, laughing, living.

We would do the ceremony today and by sunset I would lower her into the ground next to my mother. I hoped that she would forgive me because I knew that I would never forgive myself for losing her. I stood up suddenly and threw Finley’s perfume bottle against the wall, watching it shatter.

I sank down to my knees again as all the emotions took over and I beat my fists down on the floor as my body heaved through the sobs. I didn’t even care that the clowder could feel my pain and anguish, I felt theirs too and it was too much.

Jett came back to get me, telling me that it was time to go downstairs. The clowder had gathered in the clearing and Sierra’s body was ready. I didn’t know how I was going to get through it and seeing Tanith outside in the hallway hurt.

I watched as four Enforcers carried her coffin outside and I followed behind them with Kane next to me. The sky was a mixture of orange and purple and we walked to the clearing where they put the coffin down on the stone outcrop.

“Clowder members, warriors, Enforcers,” I began to say as my voice cracked and I had to swallow the emotion back.

“Tonight we say farewell to the Lady of this clowder, Sierra Peyton, taken from us too quickly. She was too young to die. Believe me when I say that this will always be the biggest regret of my life. I love you Sierra, I’ll never stop loving you and I’ll miss you every day,” I said.

I stood to the side as the clowder members took turns to pay their last respects, placing flowers on her body and a few of them said a few words to her. Once they were done, I gave Jett some privacy as he spoke to her and laughed softly a few times before starting to cry again.

“Watch over him Tanith,” I said as we both watched her.

“I’ll watch him while he watches you,” she said and gave me a hug.

Connor stood on Jett’s other side with his hand on his shoulder before pulling him into a hug. I could feel Jett’s remorse, he felt guilty too for not stopping her, not watching her more closely, for not forcing me into consciousness sooner.

I knew he was hurt, I was hurting so much that I couldn’t even express it. Kane shared those feelings with me and I shared his, it was an intense mix of guilt and anger. Jett wiped his eyes as he joined us and gently took Tanith’s hand in his and nodded at me.

I walked over to the coffin and kissed her on the forehead and then on her lips as my tears dripped onto her face. I wiped my tears away and closed the coffin for the last time. I stepped away as four warriors picked the coffin up and followed me.

They put the coffin on the ropes and Jett, Connor and Tanith stopped at the edge of the grave. I stood next to them and silently dismissed them. Kane sat on his haunches and my hand went to his head as I tried to comfort him.

“You don’t have to stay, I need to do this alone,” I said.

“Just know that we’re here,” Jett said as he squeezed my shoulder again.

I waited until I could no longer hear their footsteps or their heart beats and turned back to the grave as I pressed the button and watched Sierra’s final descent. I sat down on the ground with Kane right next to me as I looked down into the ground.

“I’m so sorry Sierra. I failed you more than once. I wish I could change the past, I’d go back and love you from the first moment I set eyes on you. I’d keep you close and never let you go. I need you to know that I love you, more than I love myself,” I said.

“Dad, I avenged your murder. I got them all,” I said and laughed drily.

“I hurt them for hurting you, for hurting us, I wish you would’ve talked to me. I had a plan Dad, I had a solid plan. I miss you so much. I need you, I’ve always needed you. I’m so sorry I stayed away for so long, I wasted so much time with you,” I said to Damon.

“Mom, it’s been a long time but I hope you’ll forgive me for all my wrongdoings. I messed it all up, please take Sierra’s hand and keep her with you. Wrap her in your warmth and love, help her forgive me. I wish you were here, I wish for so many things,” I said to Finley.

This was my family, my mother, my father and Sierra, my life. They were all dead, and I had a hand in each of their deaths. I wished I could change it, I wished I could take their places, I’d give anything to have them back. Knowing I’d join them in a few moments gave me the strength I needed to kill myself.

“We shouldn’t be here anymore,” Kane said as he lifted his head from my leg.

“I know,” I said as I stood up and started filling Sierra’s grave. I had already arranged her headstone and I knew that Jett would take care of it once it was finished.

“Griffin,” Claudette said and I turned quickly. I hadn’t felt her appear and she stood a few feet away from me.

“Don’t,” she said and I lowered my head.

“There’s nothing else left for me, I don’t want to live anymore,” I said to her wondering how she knew what I was planning to do.

“I can’t let you do it, I’m sorry Griffin,” she said as she placed her hands on either side of my head. A blinding pain enveloped me and I felt a strange pull, like I was falling through something as a bright light engulfed me and my eyes closed.