Family
I feel like I'm spinning in a spiral that's taking me deeper and deeper into the abyss.
Everything that's happened in the last few days has piled up in my mind, and I've collapsed. I never wished for death, nor did I have suicidal thoughts, but I think that's what my family must be thinking of me now.
Family. I never thought I'd say that word without feeling aversion.
Even with my eyes closed, I can hear some breathing in my room.
I imagine I must have worried everyone, and I don't know if I want to have to look at them again.
The shame of having been saved in that situation dominates my mind more than the anxiety of having to talk about an unavoidable subject.
I shift in bed trying to find a more comfortable position and groan in pain when I use my arms for support.
"Calm down, baby, take it easy," I hear Giorgio's soft voice right beside me.
I open my eyes with difficulty; I feel my body exhausted.
I see Giorgio sitting near the headboard of my bed and Matteo sitting at my feet. They are the only ones in the room.
"Are you okay?" Matteo asks, and I see that he looks exhausted.
I shake my head negatively and close my eyes again, letting the tiredness overwhelm me once more.
When I wake up, I feel a little better.
My arms ache a lot, but the extreme tiredness I felt has passed.
I sit up in bed with my eyes closed and stretch, still disoriented from sleep. I get up without caring if anyone is in the room and go to the bathroom.
I close the door and relieve myself, splash some water on my face to wake up, and then I remember everything that happened.
I see that the door to my bathroom has been fixed, but there is no longer a lock. My heart aches to realize that they probably think I tried to kill myself.
I leave the bathroom and find Lorenzo, Matteo, Dante, Giorgio, Nicco, and Vicente staring at me.
I pause for a second and consider the possibility of going back into the bathroom and never coming out again.
Matteo takes a step forward, and instinctively, I take a step back.
Giorgio notices my discomfort and shakes his head, indicating that it's better for Matteo to stay where he is.
“Elena, you're not in trouble,” says Vicente, and I look at him confused.
How can I not be in trouble? They found me almost dead in the bathroom.
“Don't fool me,” I say irritably.
“He's not, Sorella,” says Lorenzo with his usual coldness, and I trust him.
I look at them; they show no irritation or hurt in their eyes.
I sigh heavily and walk to my bed, snuggling under the covers.
“How are you feeling?” asks Matteo, approaching. "I'm feeling better, my body is tired, but nothing a good night's sleep won't fix," I reply frankly.
"Can you tell us what happened?" Giorgio asks calmly, sitting down in a chair opposite the bed.
I look at my arms and shudder, remembering that I almost died because I cut too deep. Next time, I'll make shallower cuts.
"I was trying to relieve my anxiety," I reply without looking at them.
I have to clench my hands into fists so they don't notice they're trembling.
"And do you do this often?" Matteo asks softly.
“No, I usually relax with a joint,” I say, looking at Vicente, who understands what I was doing the first day I arrived at this house.
“You smoke marijuana?” Dante asks, incredulous.
“I used to smoke to relax and draw to calm my mind, but now I can’t do either, and that’s all I have left,” I explain.
“And why didn’t you come talk to us?” Nicco asks, and I stare at him indignantly.
He realizes the absurdity of the question.
Because I don’t trust you enough for that, especially after trusting Silas and him betraying me.
“Because I’m angry with you, brother,” I say quietly, looking at my hands.
“Elena, we understand your side, but what you did today was idiotic and irresponsible,” Matteo says, and I swallow hard.
“I’m not suicidal,” I say, wanting to make that perfectly clear. “What happened today was a mistake that I will correct.”
I regret the words I chose as soon as they leave my mouth.
“Would you do it again?” Vicente asks, never letting anything go unnoticed.
My eyes fill with tears and I wipe them away before they fall.
I don't need to answer, because they already know the answer is yes, I would if necessary.
“Elena,” Lorenzo's tone breaks my heart.
He comes closer and takes my hands in his.
“You are the most precious person in our family. We know you're still angry with us, but know that seeing you suffer hurts us as much as it hurts you, sister,” Lorenzo says, and I can't hold back the tears.
“I… I don't want you to suffer,” I say through tears. “I'm just confused and scared.”
He gently wipes away my tears.
“We will always be here to take care of you,” Lorenzo says, looking me in the eyes. “You can deposit all your pain and fears in us, and we will protect and love you, no matter what happens.”
I nod, stifling a sob.
“But you need to promise us that you will never hurt yourself like this again, and that whenever this feeling arises, you will come to one of us immediately,” Matteo asks.
I wipe away my tears, trying to control my emotions.
“I promise,” I say softly, my voice choked with emotion.
Lorenzo hugs me when I can no longer hold back the tears, and I cry in his arms, releasing all the pain and events of the last few days.
A weight is lifted from my chest with each sob and tear.
When I finish crying, a headache begins, and my body goes limp on Lorenzo's.
“Elena,” Lorenzo calls me, noticing my limp body.
I feel him lay me down on the bed as if I were a rag doll.
“Bambina, are you alright?” Nico asks, but my mind is already elsewhere.
“What’s happening?” Nicco asks, worried.
“She’s just tired, her body is shutting down so it can rest,” Matteo explains calmly.
I close my eyes and fall asleep instantly, overcome by exhaustion and pain.