Thoughts
POV: Elena
"I can't," I say aloud to Luca, who's sitting at the foot of my bed with a tray of food.
"Sorella, you can't go without food," he insists, and just looking at the food makes my stomach churn.
The joy I felt when I went to the mall with my family is gone; the thoughts and memories of everything that happened in the last few days have arrived and taken all my energy.
I turn my back to my brother and pull my knees to my chest as if that will ease the pain I'm feeling.
I hear Luca sigh behind me, and then his footsteps leaving the room.
The anguish I'm feeling prevents me from leaving the room, makes me wake up screaming when I dream of Gael's hands on me.
The doubts in my mind about Silas haven't helped either.
Has he lost his memory? Or does he want to distance himself from me?
But who would want to be around someone so useless?
"Elena?" Nonna's voice is calm.
"Go away, you don't have to see me like this," I say softly, my voice hoarse.
I want to cry, I want to burst into tears and hope the pain goes away with them, but it feels like even that has been taken from me.
"We're your little family," Grandma replies, sitting down in front of me.
"Why?" I ask, and she frowns. "Why accept someone like me? Why didn't they throw me out on the street or send me away?"
The words start quietly and quickly gain intensity.
"I'm not fit for this family, I'm not strong like you," this is one of the many thoughts that have crossed my mind.
"None of us are made of iron," Grandma says somberly. "I understand what you're going through, every thought and feeling about yourself."
I look at her doubtfully, and then I understand. Her eyes convey the pain of an old memory.
"And how did you heal? How did the pain and nightmares stop?" I ask, my voice breaking.
Nonna takes my hand and caresses it tenderly.
"Your grandmother helped me; her support and presence made it easier to deal with," she admits with a sparkle in her eyes.
"And who helps me? Who will want to get close to someone like me?" I say, incapable of having any good thoughts about myself.
"You have all of us, Elena, you have your family," she says, but that doesn't comfort me, and she notices.
"Piccola, in the world we live in, nothing is safe. Every breath we take is a gift compared to our family's status," Nonna says angrily.
"Then why don't you stop?" I ask, confused. "How many of us need to get hurt? Is the mafia worth that?"
Grandma looks at me and smiles sadly.
"There's no way out of this life, once you're in, you never leave again." The sadness in her tone marks the sentence for all of us.
"So what's left for us to do is accept it? If someone dies, do we just bottle up our feelings and move on?" Anger now dominates my tone.
"That's why we have family, the code works because we support each other and protect our own," she says, but I shake my head in denial.
"And who protected you? Who protected me?" I finally manage to cry.
These words break the barrier that was holding back my pain.
"I'm so sorry," Nonna says, hugging me.
I sob loudly, pain burning in my chest and anguish squeezing my heart.
"We failed you for years and we will never forgive ourselves for it," she says, wiping away my tears.
"It hurts so much, it hurts so much I can't breathe," I say, clutching my chest.
I don't know how long I stay crying in her arms, but I know she dries all my tears, that she repeats words of strength and affection every minute.
I end up falling asleep in his arms and for the first time in a long time I feel safe.
"You can't escape, you know we're the only family that will accept you," Henk's voice reaches me, and I shrink back into the closet where I'm hiding.
I hear glass shattering in the distance, and his foot crushing the shards as he moves.
"Get out of here and I promise I won't be harsh with you." His lie makes me shiver.
"Come on, Elena, I know you'll enjoy having fun with me," Gael's voice startles me. "You enjoyed it last time."
Tears stream from my eyes and I start to hyperventilate.
The closet door slams open and I see Henk's evil grin.
"You should have taken me up on my offer," he says before grabbing my hair and pulling me away.
"Stop, stop, stop," I plead between screams and tears. "You're hurting me."
The basement is freezing, but what catches my attention is Silas's fallen body, covered in a pool of blood.
"Silas," I call, forgetting my own desperation.
Henk lets go of me and I rush to help my friend, but his body is cold and stiff.
"You can't even save the ones who care about you," Henk mocks me.
"Well, I guess I can take care of her from now on," Gael says, joining us in the basement.
"Have fun," Henk says, and leaves, leaving me alone with the monster.
"You don't have to do this," I say, pushing myself away from Silas's body.
"Oh, I do." Gael corners me against the wall, and I stop breathing. "Beg me to stop, Elena, and maybe I'll give in."
Tears stream from my eyes, and I do exactly as he asks.
"Gael, please, please, don't do this," the words hurt to come out of my mouth.
I feel humiliated, even more so when he starts touching me.
"Please," tears fall from my eyes.
"ELENA," I hear the loud voice call, but I close my eyes when Gael starts forcing me.
"ELENA," Lorenzo's voice wakes me.
His hands shake my shoulders, and I sense his concern as soon as I open my eyes.
I realize my cheek is still wet and I'm shaking.
"Sorella, it was just a dream," Lorenzo says in a controlled tone.
They're getting used to waking me up in the middle of nightmares, but tonight was the worst.
"Sorella," I say, wiping away my tears.
"Leave us alone," he orders without looking away from me.
My brothers, who are in the room, come out, all in their pajamas, because it's the middle of the night.
"Elena, we need to figure this out," he says wearily.
"I'll be fine," the lie comes out, and I'm not even ashamed that he sees it.
"You're not going, and I'm not willing to watch this," he says, holding my trembling hands.
"I'm scared, Fretello," I say, feeling exposed.
"I'm here, Sorellina. We're all here for you, and I promise we'll be a shield between you and the world until you can get back on your feet." Lorenzo's words calm my heart.
"Can you sleep with me?" I ask before I lose my nerve. "I don't want to be alone."
Lorenzo gets up from the bed, and I feel like an idiot for a moment. I think he's going to leave, but he simply turns off the light, leaving only the lamp on.
I let him lie down beside me and immediately rest my head on his shoulder.
"I'll always be here to protect you. Just forgive me for taking so long." His voice is quiet, but I hear it clearly.
"I never blamed you for this. I was angry, but I never blamed you, and I never will," I say sleepily. "Thank you for being my family."
I fell asleep soon after, with Lorenzo's hand on my head and his heart guiding the way to my dreams.