Chapter Four— New Ways to Fall Apart

The weekend passed uneventfully. Mona texted me a picture of a swan that she saw when she got dragged out to a zoo on Saturday, and that was pretty much the only exciting part of the whole day. She said it chased her. That was an even better picture.

I checked with Candy and she said that I was safe to wear my uniform today. She felt bad for Friday but I told her that everything went fine. She couldn’t even tell I was lying.

I loosened up my uniform since that’s what everyone else was doing. I wore the tie low and the shirt untucked. My scuffed up Chucks had floppy laces, and I was in purple and white stockings. I looked as normal as I could.

When I got to the bike rack, it was only a few seconds before I heard loud music from a car I knew belonged to Nickolas. I didn’t know how I knew, but it set my teeth on edge.

The music cut out while I was still working on the stupid lock. I really needed one that wasn’t being eaten away by rust, but being an orphan didn’t pay very well. I in the middle of a string of curse words, something poked my shoulder. A fingernail, I decided. “Such a filthy mouth.”

I stood up, glaring. “Does it bother you? Because the solution is fucking off.”

Nickolas smiled and pulled his sleeves up, revealing his tattoo, and muscles that I tried not to notice. And I don’t even like tattoos. They’re stupid. Not hot. Not hot on him. He’s a jerk, therefore, not hot.

“Well, I could. But then I couldn’t annoy you.”

“Why do you need to annoy me? Can’t you just walk past me like everyone else?”

“When you get annoyed, your nose.” He touched the tip of it and I almost murdered him. “Gets all scrunched up. I like seeing it.”

I slapped his hand away. “Don’t you dare touch me again.”

His eyebrow went up. Then I felt his hands on my hips. My eyes widened when he yanked me forward. Nickolas gripped my side, and his other hand drifted up to my face. Leaning down and putting his lips at my ear, he said, “Or what?”

I smiled to myself, just before I kneed him between the legs. He crumpled in a second and then he wasn’t touching me anymore. He was doubled over in front of me.

I tilted his chin up and caught the agony in his eye, as well as hate. I whispered in his ear, “Or that.” I patted his back and went on my merry way.

I was ready for gym before Nickolas recovered and wandered in. We were doing stations, and I sat on the bleachers, retying my shoes. The seat next to me shifted and I didn’t need to look up to see who it was.

“You will pay dearly for that,” Nickolas stated matter-of-factly.

I smiled at him. “I warned you. I can’t be blamed for what I do. Maybe don’t provoke strangers.”

He put his hands on his knees. “I was only trying to say hi.”

I scoffed. “You—like everyone but Mona—was just screwing with me. I get that it’s fun to try and rile up the new kid, but I’d appreciate it if you forgot I existed. I’m here for five minutes and the wolves descend.”

The crooked smile on his face was small, but his eyes were full of almost pure entertainment. “Do wolves scare you, Posey?”

“No,” I said flatly. “I have important things to be scared of. More than wolves and spoiled rich boys.”

I got up and went to a station. It was free throws but a couple girls were getting away with just dribbling the ball. I could do that for a little while. I didn’t pay attention to where Nickolas stalked off to. Hell, with any luck.

I managed to make it a whole ten steps before the warning sound of a dribble entered my ears. Too bad I didn’t pay attention to that warning when a ball came flying, hit the wall, and then almost smacked into my face.

“Sorry.” Nickolas sauntered up, letting go of the ball I was almost sure he threw at me.

“Sure you are.”

“Now, why do I get the feeling that you don’t believe me?” The constant look of an inflated ego and arrogance was starting to make me want to be violent.

“Could have something to do with the fact that the very few interactions I’ve had with you resulted in an impressive amount of asshole ry on your part.”

He nodded. “I could see why that might blur your vision.”

My eyebrows went up. “You admit it?”

“I never denied it. I know who I am. And I know who you are.”

Oh, this should be fun. I held the ball at my side and gave him my full attention. I gestured out. “Enlighten me.”

His eyes trailed my body slowly, twice, then they stayed on mine. “I was right before, you like attention. Maybe not like. Need. You want it. But when you get it, it unnerves you. You don’t know what to do with it. The first instinct you have is to attack. At least that way, when you lose the attention, you can pretend you didn’t want it in the first place. You assume everyone is a bastard, because they are. You lash out because you know you’ll get hurt either way. So why not bite first? You, Posey, are lonely and you let it start eating away at you. All that remains is bitterness and resentment of the world and the people in it who don’t want you.”

My eyes stung and all I could do was clench my fists to keep them from shaking. I wanted nothing more than to punch him right in the fucking face, and then run far from this school. I wanted to run somewhere dark, and quiet, and away from anything living.

I threw the ball at Nickolas, and started walking to the locker room as fast as I could. The tears held off on falling until the very second that he couldn’t see it.

“Posey!” he called out, but I didn’t look back. My foot hit the first step and I heard him right behind me. “Wait.”

I didn’t.

I stopped halfway to my locker, and Nickolas bumped into my back. I turned sharply at him. “This is the girls’ locker room, dumbass. Get out.”

His brow was furrowed. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

I rolled my eyes. “That means so very much to me.”

“Don’t be so sensitive.” His tone wasn’t cruel but I couldn’t have cared less.

“Can you just go please? I asked you to leave me alone. I want everyone to leave me alone.”

I turned and started walking again. The footsteps behind me didn’t make me turn again. I only stopped when I got to my locker, wanting to sit for a while. Alone. The only thing that stopped me, was the sweater that someone had left, draped over the bench.

I went to pick up the sweater, and it happened. My brain flipped like a switch as I got sucked out of the room.

“Gym is so stupid,” a girl says. I see her clearly, as I always see them. I see myself as I stand in the gym next to the bleachers. There are two girls whining about being here. They yawn and shuffle on their feet.

“We only have a few months, Sil,” the blonde girl says. “Then no more gym as long as we both shall live…”

I blinked and dropped the hoodie. My hands went to my face as I came back into the room. Dammit, I hate when that happens.

“…is going on?” Nickolas said. I only caught half his sentence.

“Nothing is going on,” I said in a strained voice. “Just leave.”

“No,” he said, stubbornly. “What just happened to you?”

I didn’t really have an answer. All I knew was that sometimes, very, very rarely, I saw things. I touched something, then I wasn’t in the room anymore. I saw other people, sometimes only one, and only for a few seconds. Chalk it up to an overactive imagination. I liked to pretend that when I touched something, I saw what the owner is doing.

It was how I lost my one of my first foster families, around the age of ten. I told them, and they’d said I was a liar. I didn’t know why. I was so little, and all I told them was that I’d seen something that I couldn’t even remember now. I thought I fell asleep. They told me I was trying to start trouble. It happened a few more times, and then I was off to another house.

“Tell me,” Nickolas said, like I should’ve known what just happened.

“Get out of here.”

His jaw clenched before he spoke. “Fine.” He stormed off and left me be. Finally.

I sat on the bench and pulled myself together. I was mortified that I let that bastard see me crying because of him, or crying at all. I hated crying. I cleaned my face and put my uniform back on, waiting out the bell. Once it went off I left like the room was on fire.

When I was in the hall, I saw that asshole again. He was… everywhere. He watched me, but he didn’t try and talk to me again. Good thing for him.

***

I got to science, and the door had a note saying class was outside in the football field. Yay. What was it with being out in the cold? Did these people just love it or something?

I found my way out to the crowd of students standing and I was almost knocked over when I heard Mona yelling, “THIS DOESN’T COUNT AS LATE!” She was running so fast, that she didn’t notice me at all. As I recovered, I wondered why she was there. I saw a pink note in her hand, and she waved it in front of the teacher. “They finally fixed my schedule.”

I caught up with her and waited for her to notice me, though I lost the patience quickly. I tapped on her shoulder. “Hello.”

“Oh, are you in this class?”

“I am. You?”

“Now. I had to get my schedule changed when I figured out I still needed this credit to graduate.”

Unlucky her. I got an extra elective since I was all caught up in math. I thanked god for that every day.

“Class,” the teacher addressed us. “Today we’re observing nature. AKA, giving me time to catch up on your projects that I’m still sorting through from last semester. So stay out of trouble for an hour.”

Mona took my hand and we went to sit in the grass. We had out heads on our backpacks and our ankles were crossed.

“You look a little down,” she pointed out. “Why’s that?”

I sighed and told her about what happened in gym with Nickolas. I left out my little zoning out thing, because she didn’t need to know how much of a space case I was.

Mona patted my hand. “Don’t feel bad. He normally does worse to people.”

I turned my head to her. “What the hell does that mean?”

“Well, he’s one for fights. Not girls of course. He mostly ignores girls. Except for when he doesn’t…” Her tone made the meaning clear. “Nick’s been suspended so many times that I’m surprised they let him come back.”

“Why does he get in fights?”

She shrugged. “It doesn’t take much to set him off. I won’t tell you the rumors about him, because they’re probably lies, but what I actually know is that he’s pretty messed up. So tread lightly.”

“So… kneeing him in the junk wouldn’t be a good idea?”

She sat up on her elbows. “Did you do that?”

“Yeah…”

Mona smiled and shook her head. “You are a brave one. I’ll miss you when you get yourself killed.” She lay back down and we turned the conversation to lighter things.

My eyes closed and I laced my fingers together, resting them on my stomach. The sun finally peeked out from behind the clouds, and it almost made me not freezing.

I heard a click and it made me open my eyes. Nickolas stood before us, aiming a camera at me.

I sat up. “Do you want me to kill you?”

He smiled and out of the corner of my eye I saw Mona sitting up too. “No, Cupcake. I was set off on an assignment for my photography class. I’m supposed to take pictures of things that look like one thing, but are something else entirely. And, though I don’t care if you forgive me, I need you to forgive me. So I’m not going to stop bothering you until you do.”

I rolled my eyes. “If you don’t care, then why do you need it?”

“Well.” He checked his camera. “I was thinking about it, and if my girl knew what I did, then I think she would be quite upset with me. I wouldn’t hear the end of it until I made it up to you. So as to avoid feeling guilty when I’m with her, I need you to accept my half apology.”

Yeah right. “She sounds demanding.”

He nodded. “Very. But she knows how to get what she wants. I only love her more for it.”

He didn’t seem the type to hold down a girlfriend, let alone love one. My eyes found his tattoo again, and I guessed that they were serious. I hadn’t seen him with anyone, or bringing her to school. If I cared more, I would have asked why.

“I do not accept your apology,” I decided. “And you better delete the picture you took of me.”

“Not a chance. Your cleavage looks amazing from here.” He cocked his head at me.

I blushed and looked down. A button that I didn’t undo, decided to open up, showing a pink bra that was doing the very best that the poor thing could to keep the girls at bay.

“Can you get me a copy of that picture?” Mona asked as she scratched her head, trying to be nonchalant.

“Mona,” I scolded as I fixed my shirt. “Don’t enable him.” Real classy of him to be checking me out when he’s got a girlfriend somewhere.

“If you flash me, I’ll let it go.” She smiled.

I pretended to undo another button and her jaw dropped. When I stopped, she frowned at me. She laid back on her backpack with a pouty lip.

I looked back to Nickolas. “You can go now.”

“I could…”

“You’re not wanted.”

“That makes two of us.”

There was a literal pain in my chest at that. I didn’t cry this time, because I didn’t have time before Mona attacked.

She got up on her feet and shoved him, ignoring her own knowledge of his violent streak. “What the fuck is your problem?!”

He towered over her, but she didn’t act like it. He looked down at her. “She’s my problem. That damn girl keeps finding ways to piss me off.”

“Wind pisses you off, Nick. No reason for you to be shitty to her. Say you're sorry or I swear to god I’ll make you regret it.” She stabbed at his chest with her fingernail.

“She never said sorry to me.”

“SHE DOESN’T NEED TO!” Mona shoved him again, and he almost stumbled as he went backward.

He looked at me from a fuming Mona. I didn’t believe he was sorry. At all. But still he said, “Sorry.”

Mona rolled her eyes. “Not good enough, but I know that you can’t do better. So I’ll warn you to be kind from now on so that I don’t have to hurt you. Posey is a sweetie and doesn’t need you to be a jerk.”

He sighed. “You know what kind of a person I am, Mona.”

“I do. If you can’t say anything nice, and you won’t give me sexy pictures of Posey, then you need to leave her be. She’s mine.” Mona smiled and patted his shoulder.

Nickolas gave me one last look before walking away.

Mona joined me for the start of lunch but she was forced to leave for more mascot practice. I guessed it was more demanding of a job than I thought it was. She skipped away when she went.

Then I was forced to go to the class I had with Nickolas. At least, one of them. Not fair that I got two classes with Mona, and three with him. He was just sitting there, arms crossed, looking out the window as if he weren’t a soulless bastard. His body was relaxed but his foot tapped the floor. My eyes found his boots, ratty and worn. Loved I guess was the word. I was a little surprised the rich boy wouldn’t just get himself a shiny new pair.

I slid past him and into my seat without making contact. I kept my eyes forward and it was more than a little effort. The hate made me want to stare daggers at him.

He sighed. “Scale of one to ten, how pissed at me are you?”

I stayed looking forward. “Do you actually care?”

“I don’t know. We keep seeing each other, and I know your name. Unfortunately for the both of us, ever so slowly you are becoming an actual person to me. Thus, making me possibly care that I made you cry. Still on the fence.”

“Oh, thanks so much. I’m glad that you value my status as a human being.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he said without emotion. “All I meant was that it’s pleasantly easy to see people as cardboard. They’re all just in the background, not mattering at all and simple to not notice. When you talk to someone, learn a name, see them get emotional…” I saw that he was looking at me now and I ignored it. “It changes things. I can see you now, and I’m sorry I made you cry.”

I let myself look at him. He didn’t seem to be insincere but there wasn’t any way to tell. “I’m sorry I kneed you in the junk.”

Nickolas smirked. “I deserved that. Though I’d do it again if it meant I could grab your hips.” His eyes moved down. “Your mouth is a bit much but if you closed it once in a while, you might seem somewhat attractive.”

I didn’t let that upset me. “Well, even if you shut your mouth, you’d still look like a total douche.”

No reaction. “I’ve been told that I’m actually fairly good looking.”

“I’m sure your mommy thinks you’re tip-toppity, but I think you’re a waste of my time right now.”

His head dipped and he nodded. “Yeah, seems a lot of people agree with that.”

I didn’t take the bait, and I sat there until class started.

The bell rang, and the last of the students took their seats. The chatter ended when the teacher moved to the board to stick a piece of paper on it. “Okay.” He clapped once and turned. “Today’s the day. The one you’ve heard about. Finally, it’s your turn.”

A groan was earned that I didn’t understand.

“Oh, come on, fifty hours and you’re done. For those who don’t know.” He looked right to me. “It’s time for your senior volunteering project.”

Another groan.

Mr. Mars frowned. “Quit that. Now, you have until spring break to do your hours and you can sign up for one of these choices.” He pointed to the paper. “Better hurry, the good stuff goes fast.”

A few students got up and scribbled their names next to stuff. I didn’t care enough to do it, and I guessed Nickolas didn’t either. I had to find out what was on there and how I was going to get to the places I needed to go. I didn’t want to ask Patton or Candy for favors.

“Are you going up?” Nickolas asked.

“Nope.”

His eyebrow arched. “Any reason for that?”

“A few. You?”

“A few.”

I blinked. “Are you trying to make conversation and losing interest halfway through?”

He smiled. “It takes a lot to hold my attention, Cupcake.”

My eyes went to his tattoo. That girl could held his attention. I wondered what was so special about her that made this monster kind enough for a girl to love. Or, maybe she was crazy enough to love him the way he was.

“Something to say?” he asked, breaking through my train of thought.

“No,” I lied. “I have nothing to say to you.”

He looked at his own tattoo and back at me. He knew what I wanted to know, and he didn’t offer the information to me.

We didn’t exchange another word for the rest of the day.