189
Juliette
I'm unable to think coherently after the words Gérard uttered a few seconds ago.
My heart is racing uncontrollably as I search his face desperately for a hint of a joke that might tell me this isn't real. But that doesn't happen. He remains serious and expectant, waiting for a response.
I'm speechless and paralyzed. I'm trying to process his request over and over again. I never thought he would ask me this again, much less in this moment.
I'm afraid because the last time he proposed, it didn't take long for everything to fall apart and I realized it had been more about my desire to get married than his own.
I didn't want him to propose just to fulfill my wishes.
"You're playing with me, aren't you?" I managed to say at last.
"I wouldn't joke about something you've wanted for so long," he replies with the same seriousness.
But contrary to what one might think his response would evoke in me, the truth is that it disappoints me to hear it.
"Are you asking me to marry you just because you think it's what I want?" I question, stepping away from him to compose myself.
"Juliette…"
"No."
"What?" he says incredulously, looking at me with confusion.
"Just what you heard."
"What does that 'no' mean?"
"I won't marry you," I tell him.
He's proposing only because he believes it's what I want, not because he genuinely wants to marry me. He's being compelled to do it.
"Why?" he exclaims. "It's what you've always wanted, or am I wrong?"
"Yes, it's what I've wanted, but what about you?" I say, standing up and staring at him intensely.
As I suspected, he falls into a very loud silence for me. I knew it.
I prepare to leave the room after that, but Gérard holds onto my arm before I can take a step. Then he places me between his legs, and due to our positioning, I notice his gaze falling on my abdomen.
This action makes me uncomfortable, reminding me of what we lost. Perhaps that's why he doesn't want to commit to me, maybe that's why he's hesitant to tell me what he truly feels.
"Love, why are you crying?" I hear him ask, and that's when I realize the tears streaming down my cheeks.
It's inevitable. I can't think of our baby that wasn't born without a lump forming in my throat and tears welling up in my eyes.
"I was thinking about our baby that didn't make it and… that maybe that's why you don't want to marry me," I say, making an extraordinary effort not to break down.
My gaze is downcast, so I can't see his expression as I tell him what had been weighing on me.
"Juliette, don't say that," he denies, sounding quite upset. "I know I wasn't completely convinced the first time, but that changed, babe, and it has nothing to do with our child."
"Our... child?" I say in a hushed voice, looking into his eyes again.
"He'll always be in our hearts, Julie," he caresses my cheek gently. "Don't dwell on that, I'm sorry it seemed like I was only proposing because you wanted it."
"What are you saying?" I mutter with a faint glimmer of hope.
"I want to marry you, Juliette," he insists, making me look at him. His eyes are filled with intense brightness. "You're my woman, my life and my love forever. Let's put that on paper too then."
I throw myself at him eagerly, and my tears flow without restraint as Gérard holds me in his lap, holding me tightly, enveloping me in the purest, warmest, and most sincere embrace we've ever shared.
I can't stop crying, overwhelmed by all the emotions flooding me. It's so much pent-up pain that's finally being released.
Finally, I'm able to let out everything I feel, and the best part of all this is that I finally feel like I have my support by my side.
He's Gérard, the man who simply listens and lets me vent. With his embrace, he makes me feel protected, realizing that I truly have him here, not just physically, but beyond that. With our hearts and souls connected, soothing each other's pain.
"Love, look at me," I hear him ask in a fragile voice, as if he too finds it difficult to get the words out.
Hesitating, I dare to lift my gaze, connecting it with his, and in that moment, I notice a single tear rolling down his magnificent eyes.
"Forgive me," I whisper.
"Juliette, no. You don't have to apologize for anything, it wasn't your fault."
"If I hadn't gone that day..."
"You didn't know, and you have to stop torturing yourself over something you can't change," he murmurs, caressing my cheek.
Upon hearing that, I bury my head in his neck again, feeling his hands soothingly stroke my back.
"I'm the one who should be apologizing to you," I hear him say. "Forgive me for being a jerk to you so many times, for hurting you and putting you through everything I put you through. For not valuing the incredible woman I had back then, for leaving you alone when you needed me the most. I used to know I wasn't the man you deserved, and I clung to that to keep screwing things up over and over. But I swear to you, love, I swear on the most important things I have in life, which are you and our daughter, that I'll do everything to become the man you deserve. I won't promise to be perfect because I'm someone full of flaws, but I won't make excuses anymore. If I make a mistake, I'll correct it and I'll never leave you, sweetheart."
"Gérard..."
"Marry me, Juliette," he asks with teary eyes. "Let me make things right and give you the future you deserve."
Literally, I cry like a baby after everything he just said.
It's a mixture of everything, remembering the magnitude of things we've experienced from the beginning of the chaos we've been, the fights, the hurtful words, the broken hearts... absolutely everything.